College football is officially back, as Week 0 kicks off Saturday with an absolutely delicious slate to sink our teeth into. If this video doesn’t make you want to run through a wall, you need psychiatric evaluation. We’re so back.
A man who posed as a 49ers player defrauded 25 women out of $1.3M after meeting them on dating apps in what may be the crime of the century (extremely convincing tape btw.) Kind of a brilliant idea to make your pledges do this fall. Add it to the list of funny hazing ideas (shoutout Fruit pledge.)
GTA 6 launches trailer and extended Netflix preview, despite over 27 minutes of game-play getting leaked over the past week. As always, we have to thank the Jiggle Physicist for his work here. This is why we play.
Little League World Series comes down to the wire, as Japan and Curacao battle for the international championship Saturday, while Hamilton, OH and Henderson, NV face off for the US title. The real winner is this kid. He gets it.
Six Flags Magic Mountain roller coaster in LA shuts down after riders experienced brain injuries, adding to list of hospitalizations and deaths from passengers over the years. I’m willing to design the replacement. I’ve put in my 10,000 hours on Roller Coaster Tycoon and am ready to start ASAP.
WHAT ELSE IS GOOD
Finally, education has caught up with modern times, as second-grade teacher makes headlines for designating a ‘gas station’ in her classroom, where children can go in the corner and rip life-altering ass without shame. Montessori would be proud.
We need this at our office, along with a ‘shit your pants corner’ and a ‘piss your pants corner’ and a ‘cum your pants corner.’ Just to cover all the bases
A 300 pound lioness and her cub are on the loose in Indiana and ‘no one really knows why.’ I could tell you why. Because Indiana fucking sucks and doesn’t have a single Margaritavilla restaurant. You’ll find them in Chicago in like 2 weeks time. Don’t fret.
Who wouldn’t want to escape their enclosure to go get a little slice of paradise like this?
What an absolute miscalculation by Brian Cashman for letting his assistant GM go on this season of Survivor as a contestant. I’m sure Yankees fans will be totally chill about that when they get swept in the Wild Card round by the Red Sox in like a month.
Give Probst a job in the front office. That might actually turn the tide
Absolutely love this move by a citizen who took this moment to moon the police during a police pursuit in the middle of the night. Just an incredible sense of the moment.
hell yeah
FRIDAY SMUT CORNER: shoutout to Demi Lovato’s big ol’ dumper (excellent tweet caption.) Sydney Sweeney just gets it. My computer must be broken because that’s been playing on loop for the past 24 hours. I can’t click off of it. America is healing.
This also counts as smut for Jets fans. Good lord garret. Super Bowl incoming
Who Are You Buying a Beer For?
DOC’S LOCKS
We made it. Week 0 of college football is officially here. Tap in here for a full breakdown.
UNC @ TCU…UNC +8.5: When everyone in the world zigs, we zag. This might be the greatest buy-low spot of all time. Let’s get the season started with a W in Dublin. Fully back on the Belichick and Jordon love train. Horndogs > Hornfrogs. Book it.
San Jose State @ USC…USC -39: Nothing quite like betting a 40 point spread just to get the feet wet. That’s what Week 0 is all about. Not only is USCand Jayden Maiava looking to prove something, but San Jose State legit stinks. This will get ugly fast.
NC State @ UVA…UVA -4: Virginia’s battling injuries but they’re bringing back the most starters in the country and have a sell-out crowd at home for the first time in 18 years. UVA might just be a football school. This is where they provei t. \
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Drinking in the Third Person
Gotta say, this was one of the most dumbest, most hare-brained content ideas I’ve ever seen. And that’s why it’s one of my favorite videos these two have posted. I was giggling the entire time from this sucker. PS - shoutout Rusty for an all-time Secretary of State reference. Just excellent stuff.
STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED
We brought back our ‘Explain This to Employed People’ segment to give you the full rundown on the Penn State fraternity cocaine trafficking story and some truly bonkers details. This is a Daily Friday story if I’ve ever seen one.
Playing 9 holes but drinking before every shot is a challenge. But we don’t back away from challenges here. High entertainment value on this one.
Coyote vs. Acme is finally in theaters after getting shelved for 3 years. Here’s a nice Oral History for how it got made from the Ringer. Such a sucker for these.
I don’t know how our good friend Who’s Next Show does it, but every single edit is the greatest video I’ve ever seen. I’m stamping this one a must-watch and I’ve never been so serious. M Night Shamalayan level twists and turns.
Please continue the quest for a hangover cure. It should be the top priority for every scientist on this planet. (Remove the paywall here.)
Tim Urban exclusively writes the best blog posts I’ve ever read. This one is a banger on this glorious Friday afternoon.
To Catch a Burner is an A+ from Joey Mulinaro.
I’m 76 and I’m horny as hell. Fuck yeah, man. Great read on Esquire.
It’s Friday. Fuck it. Dolly Parton covering Stairway to Heaven, with a side dish of Tim Curry as the Home Alone 2 concierge. To take us into the weekend.
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