College football Week 1 is off to a HOT start, as Rutgers pays $1.5M to get their dicks kicked in by U-Mass (this was a tough look) and Colorado wins on a blocked FG as time expires. This made me want to run through a wall. LFG.
Lindsay Clancy trial declared a mistrial by judge, as a final juror hold-out delays sentencing due to his ‘inability to understand reasonable doubt.’ Just a reminder that this is the level of competence most juries are working with.
Tesla unveils new CyberCab robotaxi in Austin, aims to compete with Waymo’s ever-growing fleet of single-minded organisms hell bent on human destruction. I thought this was a nice feature btw. Perfect for those times you stand up from your wheelchair, put it in the trunk & walk to the door.
PCA hits his 39th home run to continue his hot streak and take a commanding lead in the NL MVP race, as Shohei gets the injury bug and he officially becomes the king of Chicago. Get this man a Malort. He’s earned it.
Nvidia purchases Hugging Face for $12.9B, just weeks after the open-source AI platform was hacked by rogue Open AI agents. That’s a sentence that would explode a Pilgrim’s brain. This price point is cool…if you’re a goddam nerd! Suck it. You just got owned by a broke guy in his 30s who was a slightly above average HS QB 16 years ago (reply to this if you want to see my tape.)
BREAKING: In case you missed it, we are launching a new Netflix show for college football season, with the first episode dropping tonight. Make sure you TAP IN. Ily.
WHAT ELSE IS GOOD
This video of a quadruple nut meg is cool and all, but I’m now convinced we’re living in a simulation. Can whoever’s running it make some modifications to my player? You made me wayyyy too rich and hung with zero addiction issues and unhealed childhood emotional wounds. Life is too easy and it’s not even fun for me, man.
Good reminder to rewatch The Matrix this weekend. Sometimes I forget
RELATABLE: police gave a man who had climbed on a roof a Twisted Tea to get him to come down. This would work on me. I’m not able to fully relax and be myself until I’ve taken at least two large iced tea flavored malt beverages to the face.
Ok caption meme: Me holding a Twisted Tea as I drift off to sleep, not because I NEED it to sleep (I don’t and am fine) but because it does help me sleep better as it soothes me and i am borderline diabetic with the amount of sugar that is in my bloodstream on a daily basis.
George Pickens needs to make this whole NFL thing work, because he does not have a future as a golfer. This might be the worst swing I’ve ever seen. That’s including yours.
He’s actually come a long way but Chuck’s swing is so fucking nuts. I can barely wrap my head around it
Might need to get locked up after hearing about Big Baby’s time behind bars. Getting a weed pen, phone and an anal cavity search within the first 48 hours is pretty sick. Drugs, IG Reels access and light G-spot stimulation: the 3 basic needs of any man.
He really was such a cutie pie
FRIDAY SMUT CORNER: The real life GTA 6 girl is actually hotter than the video game one. As an anime lover, that’s hard for me to admit. Are we allowed to find this Sadie Sink campaign hot? I know she’s a former child. I really should’ve become an NFL QB.
1989 was a simpler time
Who Are You Buying a Beer For?
DOC’S LOCKS
We made it. Week 1 of college football is officially here. Tap in here for a full breakdown.
CFB RECORD: 2-1
CLEMSON at LSU: LSU -10. Lane Kiffin’s debut in Baton Rouge will be electric. I’m sweating more than Lane Kiffin in hot yoga thinking about it. We are sucked in to the hype train (Sam Leavitt Heisman watch begins now) and make no mistake: LSU rolls.
WISCONSIN at NOTRE DAME: WISCO +20.5. Love the new Wisco QB Colton Joseph, last year’s Sun Belt PoY. Notre Dame is losing a ton of talent. This is a BIG spread for what is essentially a home game for Wisconsin in Lambeau. Badgers keep it tight.
LOUISVILLE vs. OLE MISS: LOUISVILLE +7. Louisville has probably the best D-Line in the nation and a monster running game. Cardinals are gonna dominate in the trenches. This is a neutral field and we’re feeling crazy. Fuck it, take Louisville moneyline. Let’s eat.
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I CAN’T BELIEVE I’M STRANDED WITH HIM
Jesus Christ, the production value went absolutely crazy on this one. Plus, you can’t miss when you have Rick Fox in the mix. This one right here was a masterpiece.
STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED
Speed-running fantasy football punishments involves way more milk than you’d think. Didn’t feel great after this segment but that’s just life, man.
Read this on your lunch break: How We Lost 5 Billion Pigeons.
Rusty and Willy trying bars never gets old. Rating the most viral LA bars is an absolute blast. Makes me wanna get drunk and sing Over my Head tonight.
Smokejumpers are so fucking badass, it’s not even funny. I kinda get why Vince wasn’t right for the part in Entourage Season 5. Wouldn’t have bought it. (Break the paywall here.)
This site where you randomly draw the life of a person from any point in history really puts life into perspective. I just lived in 21,326 BCE as a dude in the Russian Plain: all my kids died in childbirth and I died from diarrhea. Tough.
Sports owners have not been on their best behavior this summer, and this excellent long form by Katie Baker breaks it all down. Worth the read.
It’s Friday of a long weekend. Fuck it. Any Given Sunday locker room speech. Let’s win the weekend.
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