It’s another week in paradise. Here’s what you need to know to sound smart.
College football week 0 is in the books, as Jordon’s boyfriend starts off 1-0 in Ireland, USC fans showed up by the DOZENS, and Stanford might have pulled off the bad beat of the year in August. Tough times at UNLV when even Elvis can’t help you in your home opener. Reminds me of these gentlemen.
NASA launches Roman Space Telescope, will use its massive field of view to photograph ‘hidden parts of the universe,’ including billions of planets, galaxies & stars. You can travel all that way and still not snap a pic quite like this one. We peaked as a society during the 2010 DirectTV Celebrity Beach Bowl.
Curacao beats Nevada to win the Little League World Series, its second title since 2004. This kid was throwing harder than a Vlady Guerrero Jr. line drive. Let’s check the birth certificate on him. We might win this by default.
Musk vs. Altman feud escalates, as OpenAI cuts ties with coding agent Cursor that was purchased by Space X. We need these guys to just step in the Octagon (or do the raw root canal challenge like this guy) and figure this out.
Djokovic bounced in the first round of the US Open, as the 39-year-old has his earliest Open exit ever, just hours before Messi retires from international play. On behalf of all washed up guys in their 30s, I’m sending good vibes to Aaron Donald. You’re our only hope.
WHAT ELSE IS GOOD
Banner weekend for youth football coaches, as we got a grown adult man tripping a 9 year old to prevent him from scoring (excellent open field tackle) and another dude starting a brawl mid-game. Youth sports are about the parents, I’ve often said this.
They still don’t hold a candle to Phil Weston, though. This movie still holds up btw (I watched it on a Delta flight 2 months ago with no sound because my headphones didn’t work and I just didn’t have it in me to ask for another pair.)
We got an Ocean’s 11 situation on our hands, after a group of criminals stole 40,000 pounds of PBR in California. I got my viral marketing conspiracy hat on for this one, especially after this response. Getting shades of ‘stolen Kit-Kats’ here. Stay tuned.
If I find out this was a staged prank, I’m shooting a case of PBR like I’m Kid Rock in the height of the Bud Light backlash (easily one of the dumbest controversies in modern history)
Gen Z guys are ‘pheromone-maxxing’ before dates, skipping showers and drinking their urine to maximize natural musk. This generation thinks they invented everything. I’ve been doing that for years. It’s not even about sex. It’s about self-expression.
We call this Pigpenning and it’s more about making the world adjust to you, rather than changing yourself for societal norms like ‘personal hygiene’ or ‘grooming’ or ‘wiping properly.’ It’s NOT about being lazy and depressed. Stop saying that.
Married Illinois lawmaker released a video of her smooching the mayor in an attempt to get ahead of political extortion, calls the kiss a ‘non-romantic moment between colleagues.’ I love that. Coworkers can kiss platonically. Just ask Rusty and Willy.
Everyone, let’s all do the ‘kiss your coworkers’ challenge today. They can’t stop all of us
Need someone smarter than me to explain how this island disappeared and then reappeared in British Columbia’s biggest reservoir. I’m pretty scared.
I’ve been considering a LOST rewatch and honestly, this was the push I needed. Thank you, Mysterious Disappearing Island from a BC reservoir.
Let’s check back in on Bryan Johnson, the billionaire who has given up on living forever and is now training to dunk. Throwing it down at age 49 is arguably cooler than living forever. This is why you always shoot for the moon - you may land among the stars.
If a golden retriever can dunk, so can a tech billionaire. (Yes, I will find a way to work Air Bud into at least 2 newsletters a month. Keep it moving and worry about yourself.)
Who's Having the Worst Monday?
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WIPE-MAXXING GETS MORE EXPENSIVE
Editor’s Note: This segment is from our good friend at Read That Again, the Entrapranure newsletter, covering the biggest finance news of the week. ENJOY.
This entire family actually disgusts me
Salutations, wipe maxxers. I cornered the market on foreign toilet paper 16 years ago, which is why my warehouses are full, and your bathroom is not.
And it’s a good thing because new Canada tariffs (not sure what those are, I own every country) are about send toilet paper prices higher with numbers that are neither softer nor stronger.
A professor at North Carolina State (supposedly, a state) estimates fiber costs (not that kind) could climb 11%, or roughly $735 per ton. Paper towels take it deeper at 31% (they had it coming).
The permanent middle class will stockpile and get diaper rash. The few will simply get the procedure (I will not describe it) (11 minutes, never poop again).
Many will wipe. Few will never need to again.
Wipe that again.
STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY
The latest AFTV sketch is perfect. Any time your ex soft launches a new guy, you have to go full investigation mode.
Read this on your lunch break: A Society of Cheats. Why is Natalie Harp the most important person in America right now? (Remove paywall.)
If you missed our deep dive on the Penn State cocaine trafficking ring operated out of fraternity and exploring hazing in general, you missed out. Great ep.
Kinda love that the new bad boy of YouTube is a lawn care influencer. I missed my calling. (Break the paywall here.)
Really been digging Alec Flynn’s deep dives. This one on the social cost of drinking is right up my alley. A+ work.
Reminder that I will always link to a Brian Phillips article on The Ringer. This one about Natalie Harp becoming the most important person in America slaps.
Setting your fantasy football draft order by testosterone level is the only way to operate moving forward.
PCA is on a fucking tear, hitting 5 HRs in the last 2 games with some elite bat flips. Let’s enjoy 7 minutes of greatness from the NL’s second best player.
It’s Monday. Let’s get the week started off on the right note. Why Adrian Peterson is the blueprint. Just cuz you’re down, doesn’t mean you’re out.
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