It’s the last Friday of 2023. It’s time to wrap up the year and send you off into the 2024 right with the only award show that matters in today’s media….THE 2023 HORNY AWARDS.
We’re going to break down the year in horny news in a variety of categories such as ‘Horniest Politician,’ ‘Horniest Old Dude,’ ‘Most Erotic Foot Related Hotel Room Manager Incident’ and much more.
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LET’S GET INTO IT.
HORNIEST POLITICIAN
A politician’s job is to represent the interests of their civilians. Most civilians are extremely horny. That’s a fact I made up that’s probably true.
In 2023, our politicians went above and beyond in their sacred duty. And for that, we thank them.
RUNNER-UPS:
Mayor Bill McKay: Paid for a happy ending while ‘going undercover’ during a sex trafficking sting in Kennwick, WA. Deshaun Watson should’ve used this excuse and he’d be scot-free.
Rep. Susanna Gibson: Banged her husband on webcams for tips, maintained active Chaturbate profile in office. That’s horrible. Does anyone have the link so I can make sure I don’t watch?
Rep. George Santos: Spent campaign funds on OnlyFans, Botox and his honeymoon in Vegas. Less horny, more romantic. Love is love.
Argentinian President Javier Milei: Dude is a former Tantric sex coach, current cosplayer and talks to his dead dogs. He HAS to be constantly torqued.
Everyone in Washington: High end brothel exposed by DOJ had elected officials, military officers as clients. I gotta run for office…the perks sound sick.
WINNER: Lauren Boebert
Any time that you crank your date’s hog at Beetlejuice Musical while singing and vaping, you’re going to win this award.
The fact that this was on a first date is just icing on the cake. Sometimes, you meet that perfect person and there’s just an instant connection. A spark between twin flames. You can’t help but reach over in the middle of Act Two and grope your date to high heaven. Just a fact of life.
She did look stunning that night. Objectively speaking.
HORNIEST OLD DUDE
Despite what “doctors” tell you, male horniness knows no age. Libidos last forever if you believe in yourself and have a positive attitude.
Since the beginning of time, Old Dudes have been horny as all get-out. Just look at Zeus, Gandhi, and Hugh Hefner. 2023 was no different.
RUNNER-UPS:
Al Pacino, 83: Impregnated his 29 year old girlfriend in June. Powerful porking performance from the dude who carried Jack and Jill.
Rupert Murdoch, 92: Ended engagement to his would-be fifth wife (a radio host who believed Tucker Carlson was the second coming) and started dating a woman who many think is a Russian spy. King.
Robert DeNiro, 79: Cranked out his 7th child in May. Fertile dude.
Gerry Turner, 72: Goes on Golden Bachelor to meet dozens of geriatric gems. Respect.
WINNER: Bill Murray, 73
Dated Milkeshakes singer Kelis (43) for several months, a woman who is known for being a very passionate lady. Personally can’t believe his heart could handle all that. Better man than I am.
HORNIEST BRAND SPONSOR: MOTORBUNNY
Shoutout to Motorbunny and Royce. The world’s most powerful man endorses the world’s most powerful vibrator, so we do too. Supercharge your NYE with the Motorbunny.
HORNIEST DMs WE SENT
We went looking for love a lot in 2023. It didn’t always work out. Does that make us failures? No. It makes us human.
Here were our greatest attempts at courtship. I’m assuming most of these beautiful women just had no service or lost their phones for an entire year. It happens.
RUNNER-UPS:
AI Model Does Not Respond to Our Tweets. Maybe she hasn’t been programmed properly yet? She may be fake but she’s real to us.
Selena Gomez is looking for a cool guy, which describes us perfectly. We have so much in common.
Dua Lipa was newly single and needed financial help. We were brave enough to forgive her sins, forget our torrid past and help out.
Meghan Markle’s phone stopped working in a very specific way that showed our texts to her as ‘not delivered.’ Super weird.
Selena Gomez started dating the guy from the Bear and all of a sudden her DMs stopped working. Very strange coincidence.
Any updates on responding?
Sure, I’m a little peeved that I spent my life savings traveling across the globe for a woman who ultimately scorned me. But on the bright side, I had some delicious grub, got a bunch of Emirates miles, and learned a valuable lesson about 401k tax penalties. Not a total loss.
HORNIEST MEMBER OF THE MIAMI DOLPHINS
These guys are millionaires in the peak of their athletic primes in the sexiest city in America. Yeah…I think they’re gonna be a little frickin’ horny man!
RUNNER-UPS:
Tyreek Hill, WR: Got married in November, but will be having 3 children with 3 different women this year. Boy math.
Eli Apple, CB: So horny that his baby mama offered money to any player who injured Eli on the field. Fun fact: she also has kids with Josh Jacobs and Geno Smith. Electric gene pool.
Braxton Berrios, KR/WR: Bounced from one influencer (Sophia Culpo) to another (Alix Earle.) He should date Gail Lewis from Walmart next.
Mike McDaniels, HC: told a player he coached that if he didn’t stop dancing with a girl, he’d be cut. That girl became his wife. Low-key wholesome.
WINNER: Xavien Howard, CB
In September, he had 4 different women pregnant at the same time. This dude makes Nick Cannon look impotent. Xavien hates condoms more than he hates being isolated in man with no safety help over the top. For someone so good at coverage, you’d think that would apply to his schlong, but I guess not.
Condoms are too big and fall off of me all the time too. I get it man.
HORNIEST STEPHEN A SMITH CLIP
The greatest sports media mind of our generation has been on an all-time horniness run this year. I’m not sure who at ESPN decided to just let him loose, but they need to be promoted. This is his true calling.
RUNNER-UPS:
Would You Sacrifice Sex for a Year if it Meant the Knicks Win a Championship? This had more thoughtful analysis than 90% of his sports takes.
Sunday Night is the Worst Time of the Week to Be Horny. I have to agree with him here.
Thoughts on Latina Women. The “I love them” followed by a sigh is why he’s the GOAT.
How to Talk to the Ladies. This is just free game fellas. Respect wins out. Always.
WINNER: Reporting on Breastmilk
Josh Hart is a fantastic Twitter follow and needs to be Stephen A’s new partner once he retires. He’s a solid role player but he would be a bona fide star as a horny sports media personality. Let’s make it happen.
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You’ve done enough reading. Let’s do some rapid fire categories, shall we?
MOST EROTIC PUBLIC SEX ACT: Leo gets fingies shoved down his bum-bum by new girlfriend at Halloween party. Jealous (of both parties.)
I want this so badly 😔
HORNIEST COLLEGE CHANCELLOR: University of Wisconsin-Lacrosse’s Jo Gow, who was fired yesterday for creating explicit content with his wife under the username SexyHappyCouple. Sorry…where’s the crime here?
This couple is objectively both sexy and happy. Don’t see the problem.
HORNIEST HUNTER BIDEN PURCHASES: All of them. $1.6 million in ATM withdrawals over 3 years is SO many trips to the ATM.
Can’t imagine what his ATM fees budget looks like.
TWIN BROTHERS WHO ARE HORNIEST FOR EACH OTHER: The Island Boys. Landslide victory. They’re gonna run away with this every year.
I was gonna include the pic of them making out but I don’t want you to have to look at that this early in the morning.
MOST GENEROUS ONLYFANS SUBSCRIBER: Ruby Rose’s top subscriber who spent $60k a month messaging her. That’s like 12 Honda Accords a year just to get left on read. Respect.
Good thing that sucker’s permanent 👍🏻
MOST EROTIC FOOT RELATED HOTEL MANAGER INCIDENT: Man who was arrested for entering guests’ rooms and sucking their toes while they slept. Going above and beyond for your guests is not a crime. Promote him, don’t fire him.
Looks exactly like the type of dude who would do this. Playful hair. Thoughtful smile. A twinkle in the eye that says he knows his way around a toe.
HORNIEST KANYE MOMENT: Receiving a public suck-job on the Venice Canal. This made me believe in love again.
Mile Below-Sea-Level Club.
HORNIEST RUDY GIULIANI AUDIO RECORDING: “Come here, big tits. Your tits belong to me. Give them to me (indiscernible) I want to claim my tits. These are my tits.” Using this at the bar tonight. Will keep you all posted.
The man just gets women.
LEAST HORNY PERSON OF THE YEAR: Man who spent last 55 years in isolation as being near a woman ‘terrifies him.’ That’s 33 more years than my current streak.
Girls are scary. I get it.
Have a wonderful New Year’s Eve everyone. See you in 2024 🤝🤝🤝
Please fill out the survey. That would be chill.
