The Daily Friday: Friday 10/27

Everything you need to know to sound smart today.

1. Maine shooter still at large after killing 18 in mass shooting. Stay safe to all my good folks in the Pine Tree State.

2. SBF testifies without any jury present, claims that he ‘skimmed over’ FTX terms of service. CEOs: they’re just like us. Probably not a good thing.

3. Republicans finally land on Speaker, selecting Mike Johnson, a vocal opponent of gay marriage, abortion and good haircuts.

4. Auto worker strike ends, as employee get 33% salary increase and improved pension. Fuck it, let’s all strike. I don’t even know what a pension is but I want one.

5. Panera’s lemonade can kill you. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

PANERA LEMONADE THAT KILLS YOU

If you can’t find me at the pregame tonight, it’s because I’m in the bathroom doing bumps of Panera Lemonade.

The world’s #1 fast-casual bread bowl restaurant is being sued after a college student with a heart condition died last fall after consuming a heavily caffeinated “Charged Lemonade” that was advertised as a regular lemonade.

LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

• Panera’s “Charged Lemonade” has 390 mgs of caffeine, more than a Red Bull and Monster COMBINED. For context, Celsius and Prime has 200 mg and the original Four Loko had 156. I wish this shit came in cans so I could shotgun it and see God in all his glory.

• The chain also launched a “Sip Club” where a monthly fee got you unlimited drinks (fuck yea) and a 6-month subscription to the Washington Post (fuck yea x2.) This chick who’s been drinking 4-5 a day needs to be studied by doctors and also respond to my DMs. I’m in love with her.

• The student, a 21-year-old from Penn named Sarah Katz, had a heart condition called LQT1 and was unable to consume energy drinks or soda, let alone a lemonade that makes C4 look like a glass of water. The lawsuit claims there was no clear warning from Panera that this lemonade had enough caffeine to make me feel something for the first time in years. Fair.

• Panera has responded and will be investigating the product, which could mean removing it from the shelves. Let’s storm the stores now and take the inventory before it’s too late. If I have to drink decaf lemonade with my side of bread, I’m going to fucking kill myself.

COMMUTING SUCKS DICK

I would absolutely rather lose an arm than have to commute more than 30 minutes. Realistically, 2 arms is just excessive: I only need one to crank hog.

This chart is particularly relevant this week, after Gen-Z finally realized that working for a living fucking blows. Honestly, I couldn’t agree more. Life sucks ass and it doesn’t get easier, you just get more numb to it. Happy Friday.

NBA: It’s officially Dame Time in Milwaukee. Lillard goes off for 39 and hits game winner against 76ers.

Ben Simmons torches Cavaliers for 9 points, Bulls host players-only meeting after first game (good sign!) and this is some witchcraft shit from Wemby. NBA rigged, confirmed.

NFL: Bills pull off W after Godwin falls asleep in the middle of Baker’s perfect Hail Mary. I get it man, football is super tiring.

Dalvin Cook wants to be traded from the Jets because he has to split carries with the most explosive running back in the league. Get a grip dude.

MLB: Dusty Baker retires after traveling 1.8 MILLION miles, more than any non-pilot in the world. Maybe he can spend some time with his son now.

World Series Game 1 tonight. Snakes in 6. Book it. Or don’t. See if I give a shit.

OTHER: Senators’ Pinto gets 41 games for gambling, wears helmet with gambling company sponsorship. Make it make sense.

I want CTE so bad. Antonio Brown makes it look so fucking fun.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

Jizz Carlton. Woman sues Ritz, claiming staffer ejaculated into bottle and she drank semen-contaminated water. Sounds delicious.

Thief of the year poses as mannequin to stay overnight in store and shoplift. Dude has been reading his Mixed Up Files of Miss Basil E Frankweiler. Respect.

It appears that Em-Rata has been watching tape of me smooching chicks at bar mitzvahs in 2006 (2 make-outs, 1 grind to Ms. New Booty, 0 HJs) and stealing my technique. You’re welcome.

Apparently I’m into 56 year olds because the new SI Swimsuit Rookie of the Year absolutely does it for me. Self knowledge is an important journey and you never know where it will take you.

DR. LOCKS’ LOCKS

The dogs are barking this week and Dr. Locks is here to help you make bank on college football. Let’s ride boys.

SEASON RECORD: 9-8-1

Duke +4.5: Feeling a big win in the air for the Blue Devils after narrowly losing to ND and battling against FSU. Watch the Duke defense buzz in Louisville, keep it tight and maybe even pull off the upset.

Arizona +3: In the Pac-12, home dogs are money. Expect that to continue this week against an Oregon State team that’s riding high off a big W against UCLA. The Beavers crash down to Earth Saturday.

Kentucky +3.5: This just reeks of a trap game for Tennessee, who fell apart last week against ‘Bama. I love this Wildcats squad Saturday and you should too.

Live bet the action all weekend with BetMGM. Bet 10, get $200 with code BEERS200. Let’s ride.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• 51% of people aged 18-34 believe that Hamas had justification for their actions in Israel. Here’s the role Tik-Tok played in that.

• Reggie Jackson is a legend.

• She dragged her husband to a nudist colony. Bring me next 😍😍

• The man who (claims) he can make sense of the Tik-Tok era.

• This playlist will give you chills. Happy Halloween.

• Long but nuanced take on life in Gaza and how we got here.