The Daily Friday: Friday 1/12

Happy Friday. Here’s what you need to sound smart today.

1. US and British militaries launch strike in retaliation against Houthis, an Iranian-backed, pro-Hamas group in Yemen. I am getting so confused by what’s going on in the world. Let’s just send MJ in and end this.

2. McDonald’s releases Double Big Mac and I’ll take 12 dozen. My life can’t get any worse and I’m always open to a heart attack. Happy Fat Fuck Fridays 🙏🏻

3. Trump defies judge, gives five-minute monologue at the end of NY civil fraud trial. If President doesn’t work out, he should do a one-man-show on Broadway. I could listen to that dude yammer for hours.

4. Ariana Grande releases single ‘yes, and?,’ and the most meanest girl from your high school finally has new Instagram caption material.

5. Jerod Mayo hired as Pats coach after Belichick’s departure. After being drafted by them in 2008 and coaching for last 4 years, Mayo has spent his entire career with New England. Boomer’s wet dream.

SHIT TO WORRY ABOUT IN 2024

Interesting list. All of these are legitimate concerns I suppose, but it’s certainly not on my Top 5 Deepest Fears for 2024, which are as follows.

1. Nationwide Adderal shortage continues. I can’t afford cocaine and am immune to coffee after years of abuse. Something’s gotta give.

2. Viral Gavin ‘Big Baby’ child returns to the public eye. There ‘s something deeply sinister about him. He is not a Unit. He is a Problem.

3. Aliens come and don’t take me with them. I am drowning in credit card debt and magic school loans (don’t ask.) Would love to not have to pay that off.

4. The NYC synagogue tunnels are closed forever. I left my mattress down there and I’m not sure what I’ll sleep on tonight.

5. That I am powerful beyond measure.

NFL: Wild card weekend is here and the script has been leaked. Let’s make some money this weekend boys. We’ve never been more due.

Shoutout Chandler Jones. His smash single “Bill Belichick” is the first certified banger of 2024.

CFB: Marvin Harrison Jr. declares for the draft while Quinn Ewers announces he’ll return to Texas for another season. Arch Manning is gonna be out of there so goddam quick.

QB Casey Thompson transfers to Oklahoma for 4th school in 7 years. Dude is going full Tommy Boy and I love it. Life sucks, never graduate.

NBA: Sorry for anyone that had Blazers +61 and Celtics +32. Brutal beats.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

Dua Lipa spotted making out with some loser millionaire actor who barely has perfect cheekbones. We’ll be here waiting when you’re done getting this nonsense out of your system Ms. Lipa.

Traffic bad on your commute? Snag one of these new car-drones and fly right over those poor pieces of shit stuck in bumper to bumper.

Man sues Wal-Mart for racial profiling, asks for $100 million in damages OR unlimited free shopping for life. I would be stunned if you could get to $100 million in lifetime purchases from Wal-Mart. That’s a lotttt of Coleman grills.

Burger King workers must now offer crowns, tell every customer ‘you rule.’ Cool, but not as sick as forcing Coldstone workers to sing after tips. Dance monkeys. Dance.

2024 SLANG WORD PREVIEW

Thank you Mr. Featherstone. This slang preview is the only thing keeping me young, wild and free in 2024. Can’t wait to try out ‘tretch’ and ‘plague’ with my Gen Alpha cousins at Easter and finally earn their respect 🤌🏻

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• Is your roommate doing Dry January? This video will help them realize how selfish they’re being.

• The Quest to Build a Better Chicken.

• Wtffffff. ESPN gave out out fake Emmy’s for years to on-air talent. Glue Guy’s breakdown is exactly what I needed.

• It’s been 25 years since The Sopranos gaba’ed their first gool. The Ringer celebrated with this great breakdown ranking each episode. If you haven’t watched the show yet, enjoy it as God intended: in 25 second Tik-Tok clips.

• Country musician Jelly Roll spoke in front of Congress asking them to address the Fentanyl crisis. This dude just rocks.

• I can’t stop watching Stephen A Smith go to town on Jason Whitlock. The man is simply captivating. No other way to describe it.