The Daily Friday: Friday 11/3

Everything you need to know to sound smart today.

1. RIP to Bob Knight, legendary head coach and quote machine. Thank you to Darren Rovell for his beautiful tribute. Class act as always.

2. SBF found guilty of all charges, faces up to 115 years in jail, plenty of time to start a new scam and/or gets back with Caroline. I’m rooting for those two.

3. Succession star Alan Ruck crashes his car into a pizza shop, easily the most Connor Roy move possible. Love when life imitates art.

4. Senator Tommy Tuberville holds back hundreds of military promotions because he’s a little piece of shit. What do they even do all day in Washington?

5. Woman poisons boyfriend due to inherit $30 mil. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

PS - it’s daylight savings on Saturday night, so you’ll gain an extra hour of tomfoolery. Don’t hate that at all.

WOMAN POISONS BOYFRIEND FOR SCAM INHERITANCE

Fellas - if you ever think you’ve inherited a surprise $30 million, do yourself a favor and don’t tell your psychotic girlfriend. Trust me.

Police report that North Dakota man Steven Riley, was poisoned by his jealous girlfriend, Ina Thea Kenoyer, days after learning of a massive inheritance.

LET’S BREAK IT DOWN

• On his way to pick up the inheritance check, which he planned to split with his sons and NOT his girlfriend, Riley fell ill, after consuming a beer bottle full of anti-freeze, lovingly prepared by Ina. I won’t lie: anti-freeze looks sort of delicious. Good to know it can kill you.

• In an insane twist, the $30 million was a complete scam. Riley had received an email from someone claiming to be a lawyer of an unknown ‘distant relative’ who planned to meet him at the airport to sign off on the check. Always wondered who was falling for the Nigerian Prince scams.

• Even if the money was real, there’s no way Ina would have gotten it after he died, since they weren’t married and North Dakota doesn’t recognize ‘common-law marriages.’ I’m starting to think we’re not dealing with the savviest criminal ever here.

• According to his son, Riley was planning to leave Ina, as they’d been on again, off again for years and she had made several posts disparaging him on Facebook. Makes total sense - these are the only type of people still posting on Facebook these days.

• Spouse poisoning is hot in the streets lately, including a doctor at Mayo Clinic who tried to poison his wife and cash in on a $500k life insurance policy, a Utah mother who gave her husband fentanyl-laced Moscow mule and a military wife who was caught putting bleach in her husband’s coffee.

Just get a divorce guys. Way less trouble and you get to join cool clubs for other divorced people. Seems like it’s working well for Sophie Turner. 

FANTASY FOOTBALL IS WORTH YOUR MARRIAGE

Is the married guy really that crazy? Christian McCaffrey is a franchise altering fantasy player. Marriages come and go, but fantasy football titles last forever.

Also shoutout this guy’s wife. If we assume that he has run this proposal by her, she’s gotta be the most ride or die lady alive. Adam22 would be proud.

NFL: How the fuck did George Pickens not get 2 feet in on this play? I hate this man (mainly because he ruined the AF Parlay, but still.)

Maxx Crosby really should’ve reshot this video. This is why we ALWAYS do multiple takes boys. Life lesson.

I want to play for Antonio Pierce. I definitely could hang in the NFL. Check my Hudl tape if you don’t believe me.

MLB: Rangers win World Series on the same night that Rob Manfred goes through puberty. Beautiful.

Pitcher Will Smith has won a World Series 3 straight years with 3 different teams. That’s a Pedro Pascal, GOT —> Mandalorian —> Last of Us, level run.

NBA: Wemby scores 38 points, Spurs knock off Suns in back to back games.

James Harden says things didn’t work in Philly because “I’m not a system player, I am the system.” Yeah maybe the solar system…cuz your head is in space! Fucking burn dude.

OTHER: No bigger hockey move than picking your own teeth off the ice.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

Police put out call asking for help finding a ‘Booty Patrol’ truck that resembles a border patrol car. You just know Zion is driving this car.

New design makes Cup Noodles microwaveable for first time. Wait what? I’ve been microwaving them in tinfoil next to pregnant ladies for years.

Doctor says oral sex puts you at greater risk for throat cancer than smoking. Does doing them at the same time cancel it out? Sounds like a party.

Can someone do a wellness check on the Liver King? If this dude dies, I don’t know where I’d turn for my Ancestral Lifestyle tips and unprocessed organ recipes.

DR. LOCKS’ LOCKS

Dr. Locks is here to help you make bank on college football. Let’s get into it.

SEASON RECORD: 10-10-1

CLEMSON +3: Their backs are against the wall after brutal back to back losses. The fans are pissed. Dabo’s pissed. It’s time for them to take it out at home against an overhyped #15 Notre Dame.

NORTHWESTERN vs. IOWA, UNDER 31.5: Another week, another historically low over/under in an Iowa game. You know what to do: hammer the under and don’t look back. Avoid watching this game if you can…it’s gonna be ugly.

ARIZONA +3: The Wildcats are HOT, coming off back to back top 25 wins over Washington State and Oregon State. And they’re gonna stay hot Saturday home against UCLA. ‘Zona country…let’s ride.

Live bet the action all weekend with BetMGM. Bet 10, get $200 with code BEERS200.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• Men have created the perfect response to Kim K’s Nipple Bra…the Shlong. Absolute must buy this winter.

• Breast Cancer Awareness month may have ended but Nebraska coach Matt Rhule’s speech on its true meaning will live forever.

• Cold medicine apparently doesn’t work, but these solutions will. I still believe in Sudafed. I don’t care what the doctors say.

• NBA’s in-season tournament starts tonight. Here’s an idiot’s guide to how it works.

• The search for the world’s greatest sandwich.