The Daily Friday: Friday 1/19

Happy Friday. Here’s what you need to sound smart today.

1. King Charles has an enlarged prostrate. Anyone else currently picturing an old British dude’s inflamed butthole area? Now you are. Sicko.

2. Gavin Newsom rejects CA bill that would ban youth tackle football for kids under 12. Thank god. We almost missed out on the next Cody Paul.

3. Jacob Elordi is single and hosting SNL. Jacob, I will pay you my entire life savings (in the 4 digits) to ignore all DMs from my barista Ana. I am so close to getting out of the friend zone and can’t risk you stealing her.

4. Congress passes 3rd spending bill to avoid shutdown, this time until March. Love this approach: just keep kicking the can down the road until Earth burns to a crisp or get blown up by aliens in 2 years.

5. A $400 million monkey breeding complex is set to open in Georgia. Can’t wait until one breaks out, discovers he’s sick at hockey and teaches everyone a valuable lesson about friendship along the way.

THIS COULD CHANGE EVERYTHING

There’s really three scenarios here for what this mysterious elixir could be.

1. A wine that makes your penis magical. Let’s assume the magic penis powers are either related to satisfying women sexually (hopefully not before marriage) or giving your urine superpowers (can pee through bulletproof glass, if you piss on a plant it grows super tall like a Jack and the Bean Stalk situation, can turn pee into wine, etc.) This would be sick, but I’m sure there is a lesson that will need to be learned at the end of the experience. Kinda lame.

2. A wine that happens to be from a magical penis. I’m sure it tastes delicious but if I’m not getting any magical powers from it, I’ll stick to normal grape wine. Just a personal preference.

3. A wine from a normal penis that makes you magical in a non-penis way. Honestly, the only magic powers I’m interested in are penis related, so I’d pass on this one. Man’s gotta have a code.

I express shipped a couple bottles of these from China and they should be here in the next couple weeks. Will keep you guys posted with the results.

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NBA: Struggling to wrap my head around this Lebron stat. Why is he so scared to face 65% of all players in NBA history? It’s sad.

I still cannot believe this Anthony Edwards dunk. I’m not sure I could do that on a 6 foot rim and I’m incredibly explosive as an athlete (generally good for 4 points and 7 rebounds a game in my Thursday evening men’s league.)

NFL: It’s the best NFL weekend of the year and Glue Guy and Dr. Locks break it all down for you. I’m riding Goff hard this week (😏😏😏)

Belichick apparently crushed the first interview with Falcons, has second follow up discussion planned. Don’t forget to send those thank you notes afterward Bill! People like those personal touches.

CBB: Texas head coach Rodney Terry is right: anyone who does horns down should be thrown in jail for life with no chance at parole. This is a bigger problem than income inequality and global warming combined.

CFB: 25 year old Miami tight end Cam McCormick awarded NINTH year of NCAA eligibility. Get a job brother.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

Kentucky Representative and former Survivor winner says bill he proposed that would legalize sex with first cousin was an ‘error,’ and had nothing to do with having a smoking hot cousin he wanted to bang. Sure bud.

Pope says sexual pleasure is ‘a gift from God,’ which is correct….but how would you know man? No offense.

China has created a mutant strain of COVID with a 100% kill rate for humanized mice. Kinda embarrassing for the cat from Tom and Jerry. Dude has been trying to kill a mouse for DECADES and China figures it out in like a week.

Russian cops investigate ‘Skibidi Toilet’ after complaints that YouTube series is harmful to kids. Can just picture an old cop watching that madness, wondering why he even bothered surviving the Cold War and Soviet era.

HOW ARE THEY SO GOOD AT THIS?

What is Elise’s deal in this video? Will pretty clearly stated that his buddy Mike is crashing at their place after the bar. Her parents can get a hotel room if they’re so against sharing a bed. Women can be so hysterical sometimes.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• Mind semi-blown: no one’s name was actually changed at Ellis Island.

• My roommate flew to the Indianapolis to play at their airport basketball court. Still cheaper than a men’s league in NYC.

• A Steroid to Heaven. Inside the wide world of anabolics.

• I’m 100% on board with this fan idea for the Detroit Pistons players to just start punching opponents during games. Can’t get much worse.

• Do me a favor. Watch this Jennifer Lopez trailer and tell me if you understand what the fuck is going on. Very very confused.