The Daily Friday: Friday 1/26

Happy Friday. Here’s what you need to sound smart today.

1. WWE founder Vince MacMahon accused by ex-employee of sexual assault, sex trafficking and defecating on a woman’s face during a threesome. Yeah, you really can’t do any of that my guy. Hot take.

2. Taylor Swift considering legal action after fake AI porn photos of her circulate the Internet. If there’s one person who could bring meaningful reform to AI legislation, it’s absolutely her.

3. Bizarre viral Mark Normand stand-up set that ended with 2 fans tased and the audience told to leave NY Comedy Club was reportedly ‘a planned surprise.’ Isn’t that like the opposite of what a surprise is?

4. Mike Johnson voted for prohibition in Louisiana prior to becoming Speaker of the House. First they came for our Zyns, then they came for our booze. Doing cocaine at Texas Roadhouse better not be next.

5. More details have emerged from the farts that grounded a plane. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

PLANE FARTS FIASCO

Those of us in the fart lovers community will forever remember January 14th 2024 as a pivotal moment in flatulence history.

A man on a flight form Austin to Phoenix farted so excessively that a plane was forced to return to the gate and he was removed from the flight.

I’ll admit, when I first saw this headline, I gave it a chuckle and moved on with my day. But shoutout to Rusty, who did some solid journalism (reading the article) and brought the true depth of this story’s madness to my attention. That’s some Spotlight level investigation right there.

LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

• After farting repeatedly and having passengers complain, the farter said, ‘you thought that was rude? Well how about this smell,’ and proceeded to loudly pass gas. Legendary move. When your back is against the wall, double down and fight back harder.

• After that didn’t work, the farter turned around and said, ‘Yeah everybody, let’s just eat the smelliest food possible all the same time.” Another masterful gambit. Deflection is your best friend in these situations. Well weaponized.

• In response to the food smell comment from the farter, a man in the next row reportedly remarked ‘if you don’t like it, you can fly private,’ to which the farter replied, ‘that’s just so low class.’ Now we’ve advance to the gaslighting portion of his defense. Accuse other people of being low class for getting mad at you for being low class so they forget that you’re low class. The logic checks out.

• Finally, after being told to leave the plane, the farter ‘gets up, grabs his bag, and quietly exits the plane.’ This is where he lost me. You can’t fight this hard and then go out with a whimper. After that performance, you need to be dragged kicking, screaming and farting off of that plane. Shit your pants if you have to. Don’t go out like this though.

MARGARITAVILLE IS CHEAPER THAN RENT

I ran the numbers and living at Times Square Margaritaville might be a savvy budgeting decision.

Quick math shows that $125 a night at 30 nights is $3750 a month. That’s an absolute steal of a one bedroom in NYC. Not to mention easy access to food. If you sign up for the rewards program, you’re most likely eating for free after about 2 weeks of dining. Plus with free access to cable TV and guest wifi, you’re saving a couple hundie a month on Spectrum. That’s not even mentioning the total vibe shift of a tropical paradise in the middle of winter.

I may have to cancel my lease and start my No Shirt, No Shoes, No Problem lifestyle ASAP.

COMMENCE SOCO SOUR SUCKDOWN

For your next pregame, watch party, throwdown, or whenever you’re in the mood to be So Tasteful, plan to pick up some SoCo. And the next time you’re at the bar, go-ahead and order some SoCo Sour shots. On me. (just kidding. But maybe though.) 

Created in 1874 with an innovative blend of stone fruit and spices, SoCo Whiskey is the ORIGINAL ready-for-anything spirit. Satisfying on its own and ideal in any mixed drink, Southern Comfort is tasteful and approachable however you drink it and whoever you drink it with. 

My personal favorite blends? It’s a two-way tie between the SoCo Original and SoCo Black. Either way you can’t go wrong.

When you hit that happy hour tonight, make sure you….order a Soco Sour. One Part Soco + Two Parts Sour Mix.

Southern Comfort, Spirit Whiskey with Natural Flavors and Caramel Color, 35% and 40% Alc/Vol, Sazerac Company, Louisville, KY

NFL: Does no one want Belichick anymore? Falcons hire Raheem Morris as head coach while Panthers are expected to sign Bucs OC Dave Canales.

Patriots WR Kayshon Burnette got busted for gambling on illegal websites while at LSU, made 9k bets over 3 years including a parlay that included 2 props of his own stats (it lost.) Really making the most of that meal stipend there my guy. Respect.

Massive championship weekend. Glue Guy and his pops Mike Lupica (shoutout Travel Team, fuck Matt Christopher) break down the QB matchups to get you hyped. Let’s ride.

NBA: All-Stars starters announced as Lebron was voted to his record 20th All-Star game in Indianapolis. Hard to get excited after finding out the Indy airport court is actually just fake rims and stickers. Fuck this planet.

MLB: Yasiel Puig is addicted to bench clearing brawls, seen mixing it up in a Venezuelan baseball fight. His current career path feels like Season 2 of Eastbound and Down right now. He’ll be back.

TENNIS: Djokovic goes down in Australian Open semis, as 22 year old Jannik Sinner advances to finals to face Medvedov. What a complete failure of a man.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

Lord forgive me for what I’m going to Dune 2 this Dune 2 promotional popcorn bucket (fuck it with my penis)

Austin Butler had to hire a dialect coach to lose his fake Elvis accent. He should have that dialect coach teach him Australian and crush at bars.

Sydney Sweeney was on Hot Ones and even the children were transfixed by it. This young boy decided today was the day he’d stop playing with legos.

A teen’s joke in a private group chat that he was ‘on my way to blow up a plan (I’m taliaban)’ got intercepted by airport WiFi, reported to the police who shut down the flight. I’m not opening my ‘Piss Boys’ group chat at the airport ever again. Every single one of us would face jail time.

CHAMPIONSHIP SUNDAY SCRIPT

There is no doubt in my mind that this is Sunday’s script. I will be heavily levered on this advance intel from Dr. Locks. Thank you MD.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• How do they have footage of 1940s London traffic but not Wilt Chamberlain’s 100 point game? A conspiracy is afoot.

• Is being hypnotized as a teen dangerous? Probably!

• Fuck it, old Nathan for You clip. Just cuz it’s Friday.

• The latest hot commodity for organized crime? Sand.

• RIP to Maury but it was so fucked of him to scare this woman terrified of olives. Fantastic TV as always but still.

• The Butterfly Effect was an amazing movie. Amazingly mean.