The Daily Friday: Friday 12/15

Happy Friday. Here’s what you need to sound smart today.

1. US Senate passes $858 billion defense bill despite being $33 trillion in debt. This exactly how I approach my own personal finance. There are no credit scores in heaven.

2. Kanye West’s new album is set to be released today and he’s promoting it by wearing a Black KKK hood. Way to read the room bud.

3. Pope Francis calls for AI regulation and I think he’s lost his mind. Doesn’t he realize every AI image of him makes him look fucking awesome? We need term limits for popes.

4. Curb Your Enthusiasm will end after its 12th season. It’s been great since it came back in 2017, but nothing topped the first 8 seasons.

5. PornHub has released their Year in Review. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

PORNHUB WRAPPED

Like every other brand in the world, PornHub has released their 2023 Year in Review and there is a LOT to unpack.

PSA: if you’re currently reading this email at work, go ahead and scroll past this section. Or better yet, take your phone to the bathroom and do a real deep dive. What happens in the stall, stays in the stall.

LET’S BREAK IT DOWN

My immediate thoughts:

Someone check on Idaho. Is Arizona watching Cars porn (Sally Carrera is pretty hot, not gonna lie) or just people banging in cars? Connecticut needs to be investigated immediately. Is ‘body swap’ content like Freaky Friday but hotter (is that even possible?)

Finally: why is Kentucky searching ‘bouncing boobs?’ Just open Instagram Reels.

Top Trending Searches: Finally, old people are having their moment in the sun as ‘mature’ and ‘granny’ terms had the highest growth in volume. They control the Senate, might as well control the porn industry.

A brief shoutout to Big Tech. The future has arrived.

Most Popular Performers: I only recognize 70% of these names. Gonna have to do more research next year.

Legitimate question: how do you define Amateur Model vs. Pornstar? I’m assuming this is similar to the college vs. pro sports debate, though NIL might make it a little murky. I wonder how many years of eligibility you have as an amateur before you’re forced to go pro.

Sidenote: not every adult film actress is a porn-STAR. Some are just role players and that’s perfectly ok. Robert Horry still has 7 rings.

Other Interesting Nuggets:

• Phillipines is leading with an astonishing average of 11 mins, 15 seconds per visit. Good for them. That’s gotta be at least page 4.

• Monday at 11 pm is the most common time to visit the site. Great way to start off the week.

• Only 29% of US visitors are female. Ladies, if you wanna break the glass ceiling, you’re gonna have to step it up.

• Royce DuPont is responsible for 96% of all views across the site.

BULL ON THE LOOSE

Yesterday, a bull was found roaming the NJ train tracks, which begs several questions. Does this mean 6 more weeks of winter? Is the economy is back? Is this a viral stunt for a new gabagool flavored Red Bull? What exactly was Tommy Devito’s agent’s role in this? I’m assuming he is involved at SOME level, but it remains to be seen how deep it truly goes.

We have our best minds on the case. I’m confident we’ll crack this by Monday.

GIVE YOURSELF THE GIFT OF THERAPY

The holidays can be stressful. Praying your card doesn’t get declined while shopping for everyone on your list. Trying not to get too drunk at your office holiday party. Figuring out how much to tip your landlord. It’s tough. 

Give yourself something to help you manage the stress of the holidays, and set you up for a great year ahead: therapy. 

With BetterHelp, it’s flexible, affordable, and entirely online – so you can start start talking about your hangxiety from the holiday party in minutes. You don’t have to deal with the headache or trying to find a therapist with availability, driving to and from appointments, and paying out of pocket for individual sessions. 

Focus on what matters most: getting the help you deserve. 

Sign up with code FRIDAY 25 for 25% off your first month today. 

NFL: Chargers storm back from 63-7 deficit against Raiders to cover 41 point spread. They’re just lucky they didn’t lose 99-9. 

NBA: Draymond suspended indefinitely by the NBA, forced to seek treatment for his anger management issues. Give Coach Carter 6 weeks with him and Draymond will be completely fine. He’ll probably even make the dean’s list.

Giannis needs to get a grip man.

MLB: Giants sign Korean star Jung Ho Lee to 6 year deal and he might be the biggest player I’ve ever seen.

CFB: Breaking: Glue Guy has submitted an application to be the Iowa assistant offensive coordinator. I am willing to write a glowing recommendation when the time comes.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

Sorry boss, can’t make it to work today. I have to wait 8 hours in line at the newly launched Idaho In-N-Out for the 12th best fast food burger in America.

I don’t blame the prison guard who was fired for dating and having intimate phone sex with multiple inmates. How else are you supposed to meet people these days?

Just booked a flight to Florida to defend the honor of this manatee statue that was ‘sexually molested’ by a drunken tourist. Please don’t call me a hero.

Mark Zuckerberg is reportedly building a $100 million compound in Hawaii with a massive underground apocalypse bunker. Probably nothing right?

THIS ONE SLAPPED

If you’re on a boys trip, it means that the boys come first. No matter what. I really hope everyone absorbs that message into their thick fucking skulls this weekend. Don’t be that guy fellas.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• Can someone explain why Blackstone made this holiday video? Borderline insane decision.

• The secret MVP of sporting events? The Port-A-Potty.

• A new Ronny Friday Beers chugging video has hit the timeline. 18 beers, 18 hot dogs, 18 holes. Enjoy.

• A24’s new movie Civil War looks sick. California and Texas would never team up, but if they did, the rest of the country would be very fucked.

• The Jaguars employee who stole $22 million from the team was funding his career as the worst gambler of all time.

• Tonight’s could be the last pregame before Christmas. Pop on this bad boy and get to boogeying with the boys.