The Daily Friday: Friday 12/22

Happy Friday. Here’s what you need to sound smart today.

1. Bird scooter files for bankruptcy and I’m distraught. Riding these home from happy hour with the wind in my hair and Zyn in my lip is the only time I’m truly at peace. RIP.

2. A second gay Congressional staffer sex tape was filmed in a capitol building and now I feel lame that I’ve made zero porn at my own place of work. Changing that in 2024 🤝

3. Only 3 names of the 150 Epstein associates will remain sealed after list’s release in January. How sick would it be if your boss’ name was on that? No work for like a week.

4. Dodgers sign Japanese pitcher Yoshinobu Yamamoto to 12 year, $325 million deal. They’re almost as invested in Japan as your weird older cousin who can’t find a girlfriend and likes anime just a little too much.

5. GTA 6 was hacked by an 18 year old with a Fire Stick remote. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

GTA HACKER IS A LEGEND

We now know who we have to thank for the GTA 6 leaks: an 18 year old UK hacker with severe autism named Arion Kurtaj, who took down Rockstar Games with a Fire Stick TV remote. Honestly, that’s exactly what I would’ve guessed.

LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

• Kurtaj was ringleader of a hacking group run by teenagers known as Lapsus$, which is absolutely what you’d think a group of teenage hackers would call themselves. Might have to rename my group chat with the fellas from Piss Boys to Lapsus$ Lovers.   

• Our boy was arrested last year for hacking Nvidia (a chip maker), BT/EE (a phone company,) and Uber (a place to meet chicks in their ride sharing option.) Due to his severe autism, he was determined unfit for trial by a jury. Pretty sure this was a story arc from at least one Mr. Robot season.

• While on bail at a hotel, Kurtaj stole 90 clips of unreleased GTA 6 footage from Rockstar Games using an Amazon Fire Stick, TV and cell phone. I can’t even get my Fire Stick to play Netflix because it keeps saying “your card is declined for insufficent funds.” This is impressive.

• On Thursday, a court determined that his autism was so severe that it was a threat to the public. He will remain in a hospital indefinitely, which absolutely will not stop him from hacking. And it shouldn’t.

If he could delete student loans and credit card debt for everyone and maybe take a quick peek at my ex’s Instagram for me (blocked for 34 straight months) I’m absolutely cool with him going free. Use your powers for good Arion.

JAN. 6er SEARCHES

Absolutely love these Google searches from a convicted Jan. 6th rioter. This is the definition of figuring it out on the fly and you have to respect that. Now I’m actually a little curious if you can bring walkie-talkies on a plane but am too terrified to look it up. Someone let me know.

My favorite part has gotta searching for a ‘boy that escalated quickly’ meme in the middle of it all. If you’re not meme-ing through a crisis, what’s the point?

GIVE THE GIFT OF MOTORBUNNY

The world’s most powerful man endorses the world’s most powerful vibrator, so we do too. Supercharge your holiday with the Motorbunny.

NFL: Recently married Tyrek Hill is setting insane records this year, has reportedly fathered 3 children with 3 women in 4 months. Way more impressive than 2,000 receiving yards.

Rams take care of business against the Saints to remain in control of a wild card position in the NFC and Kamara is on my shit list for falling 3 yards short of the Almost Friday Parlay hitting. Always next week.

It’s a Christmas miracle: there will be ZERO commercials during the 4th quarter of Saturday’s Bills-Chargers game. Thank you Papa Goodell 🙏🏻

NBA: Pistons lose 25th straight game to a Utah Jazz team that was missing 4 of its top 7 scorers. Sell the team.

Myles Turner is living every little boys’ dream: he plays in NBA, dates a hot IG model, and leveraged his Star Wars fandom into social media virality. What else is there in life?

NHL: Buffalo Sabres beat the Maple Leafs 9-3 last night. Feels like an Iowa football score.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

Employees are so lucky to be allowed to work in the first place and then you add cool shit like a potato bar Christmas bonus that is taxed on your paycheck? Heaven.

Hours after finishing second in “The Masked Singer,” Dukes of Hazzards star John Schneider tweets that Biden should be publicly executed. There’s like 3 separate movie ideas in that one sentence.

Confession: I wept while listening to T-Pain’s Tennessee Whiskey cover. Some of that is the effects of alcohol withdrawal (been 11 hrs) but mostly it’s due to his soulful pipes.

Crazy jealous of Tucker Carlson, who now has the world’s largest Zyn can. Would take me at least 2 long car rides or 1 all night COD session to finish that.

Unlock Access to The World's Most Remote Vineyards

Elevate your wine experience with grapes grown at up to 9,000 ft in the Andes Mountains. 

Wine Explorer Will Bonner imports these rare, small-batch treasures exclusively for the Bonner Private Wine Partnership. Rich in high-altitude flavors like blackberry, smoke, and plum.

Today you can be among the first Americans to reserve your very own supply of these small-batch, limited production wines.

Reserve rare wines from the most remote vineyards in the world...

BLIND RANKING CHRISTMAS MOVIES

The good lads at Glue Guy Sports HQ and Empty Netters did an admirable job here. Couldn’t agree more that Polar Express is #5. Guy like me would have Home Alone #1, but what can you do? Nobody’s perfect.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• How to feel ‘good tired’ instead of just depleted.

• Fuck it, Mike Alstott highlights.

• I’d love to adopt my best friend like this South Korean woman. Sounds chill as hell.

• Pickleball is over. The next hot sport is competitive ham carving. Currently accepting any and all beting action on this over the holidays.

• Gypsy Rose is out of prison this week after serving time for conspiring to murder her mother, who probably deserved it. Here’s her story.

• This Japanese guy couldn’t be more right about PBR. It’s the beer of the people.