The Daily Friday: Friday 2/16

Happy Friday. Here’s what you need to sound smart today.

1. OpenAI launches Sora, a program that can create realistic videos based on text prompts. If it can make a video of my dad finally saying he’s proud of me and I can borrow the car this weekend, I’m sold.

2. Tennessee bill banning the sale of cold beer passes second round of voting. What’s next, they ban chilling and having a good time with your absolute boys? I don’t even recognize this country anymore.

3. Big week for Russia, as White House confirmed they have a ‘troubling’ anti-satellite weapon while Putin’s #1 opp dies in prison under ‘mysterious circumstances.’ Very mysterious indeed.

4. FBI informant charged with lying about Joe and Hunter Biden’s ties to a Ukrainian energy company. So is Hunter free to join us at Daytona this weekend? Bring your laptop bud, we’re gonna pop off.

5. Caitlin Clark makes history. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN

CAITLIN CLARK CAN’T BE STOPPED

Records are made to be broken and Caitlin Clark is made to be celebrated.

Last night, the Iowa senior point guard broke the NCAA women’s scoring record, the first of many accomplishments in a ridiculous season.

LET’S BREAK IT DOWN

• After setting the record with a ridiculous logo 3 in the 1st quarter, she went on to score a career-high (and Iowa record) 49 points to go with 13 assists, scoring or assisting on 79 out of Iowa’s 104 points. This is how I play NBA 2k MyPlayer mode (shoutout Jesus Shuttlesworth, fantastic Knicks career so far) but she’s doing it in real life. Respect.

• It’s not just scoring. Outside of dropping the only 40 point triple double in NCAA history, she’s also only player in Division 1 history (man or woman) to rack up 3,000 points, 900 assists and 800 rebounds. I feel like she could beat a team 1 on 5 and I’m not totally exaggerating.

• Clark is also pulling in audience at a record pace, as the average ticket price to see her play is $375, the most expensive woman’s basketball tickets ever (pro or college) and television rating are at an all-time high. This is the most exciting thing to happen to Iowa since they invented sliced bread in 1928 (thanks again for that btw.)

• There is still two more records to set for Clark: Lynette Woodard’s 3,649 points, the women’s college basketball record (set in the AIAW Era, not NCAA) and Pete Maravich’s 3,667 points, the NCAA men’s record. If Clark continues her pace of 32.1 points per game (fucking crazy btw) she’ll break both records before March Madness.

Here’s the completely insane thing: due to COVID eligibility, she could come back for a FIFTH year next season. Save some records for the rest of us.

PENIS DISCRIMINATION IS WRONG.

Gotta feel for the bathroom attendants here, who I’m assuming are the ones responsible for measuring the schlongs at this establishment.

These guys already have a TON on their plates (handing you paper towels, preparing mints, making weird eye contact, doing blow with you in the handicap stall, etc.) Adding ‘enforcing appropriate penis length line flow’ to the job description is a tall task, but I know they’re up for it. It’s definitely worth it for the tips. AYO!

NBA: THIS LEAGUE. After a week of trade rumors, Klay ignores Steph, tells him to ‘go shake Bron’s hand since you want to play with him so bad.’ Sassy!

Grant Williams was traded by the Mavs for being fat and ‘yapping too much.’ Relatable.

NCCAF: EA Sports’ NCAA Football ‘25 game is coming out this summer and I couldn’t be more excited. I’ll be using my entire 2 weeks of PTO to bring a title to as many programs as possible. You’re welcome Rutgers fans 🙏🏻

MLB: Rob Manfred announces he will be stepping down as commissioner in 2029. Bring back Bud Selig. He’ll be too old to care about steroids anymore and we can finally have shit like this again. 

NCCAB: Detroit Mercer broke a 26 game losing streak and their fan stormed the court.

POWER SLAP: Travis Scott is a such a PowerSlap casual. Totally normal slap, bro. Don’t be so dramatic.

NHL: The Empty Netters boys interviewed Red Wings star Lucas Raymond and it was electric. Full pod here. 

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

Well, fuck me. Zendaya wore legit the exact same outfit I was gonna wear to bar trivia tonight and now I don’t have any time to change.

Undercover officer completely appropriates Furries culture, dresses as a giant stuffed bear on Valentine’s Day to bust drug dealer in Peru.

RIP to love. If the host of a spicy wing based YouTube talk show and a porn star who slept with Adam22 can’t make it work, none of us stand a chance.

I’M USING THIS TONIGHT

Masterclass in negotiation right here from Brion Bishop. I will be using this technique tonight when the bouncer says he can’t let me in because I’m ‘visibly pissing myself in line’ and ‘letting 14 guys in will kill the ratio.’ Ok, pal.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• I want to be Rusty Featherstone when I grow up: Friday Beers’ very own beer ranker/podcaster/young legend got his own GQ feature.

• The 4 minute cut of Dunkin’s Super Bowl ad with Ben Affleck is legitimate art.

• Read this on your lunch break: how a personal finance columnist fell for a scam and handed $50k in cash in a shoebox to a stranger.

• Chris Farley’s 1996 David Letterman entrance is the rocket fuel to jumpstart your Friday (it involves tossing an audience member into a dumpster outside the studio. peak comedy)

• Finish off your day by watching an unearthed, uncut interview with Larry Bird during his final season.