The Daily Friday: Friday 2/2

Happy Friday. Here’s what you need to sound smart today.

1. Lewis Hamilton is leaving Mercedes for Ferrari. Do you have no idea what that means because you stopped watching the Netflix F1 show after Season 1? The Red Flag Pod has you covered.

2. Apple Vision Pro is available for purchase today for a mere $3,499. A small price to pay to support child laborers and access realistic porn.

3. Social media CEOs testify at Senate hearing on child exploitation. Zuck was forced to apologize like a kid who rough-housed at school while Sen. Cotton has no idea what Singapore is. I love this nation.

4. Peter Thiel bankrolls ‘Enhanced Games,’ an Olympics style event that lets athletes to do steroids. As someone who abuses performance enhancers daily (Vyvanse, gas station dick pills, smelling salts, etc.) I fully support this.

5. Punxsutawney Phil did NOT see his shadow, which means an early spring is coming. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

A GOD AMONGST GROUNDHOGS

Fuck you, Winter. Punxsutawney Phil has made you his bitch and spring is so close to sprunging it’s not even funny.

After not seeing his shadow today for just the 20th time in 127 years, Punxsutawney Phil has predicted an early spring and vibes are all the way up.

Phil is a legendary figure in the groundhog meteorology community. Like so legendary that he’s surround by an Inner Circle and blessed with mythical powers of reverse aging, weather predicting ability and much more.

LET’S BREAK IT DOWN

• According to legend, Phil is the one true groundhog and has lived for 127 years (average groundhog lifespan is 6 years btw) and is sustained by ‘groundhog punch’ administered at the annual Groundhog Picnic in the fall. I need to scorch my suckhole with that punch so badly.

• Phil is closely guarded by the Inner Circle, a collection of handlers in top-hats and tuxedos. Does anyone know when Inner Circle rush week is? I’ve never wanted to be part of a group so badly in my life.

• On February 2nd, Phil awakens from his burrow on Gobbler’s Knob (i saw your mom there last week 😏) and explains to the president of the Inner Circle if he’s seen his shadow in a language called ‘Groundhogese,’ which can ONLY be understood by the current president. This is so insane that I actually believe it’s true.

• The Inner Circle claims that Phil has a 100% accuracy rate in predictions, though scientists have him at about 35-41%. Whenever a prediction is wrong, the President claims he merely made a mistake in interpretation. Dude has the best job security in the world. I need these kind of Yes Men in my life.

One thing we know for certain: Phil is way more hardcore than the Staten Island groundhog. He’d NEVER let himself get dropped by Bill DiBlasio like that.

COMMENCE SOCO SOUR SUCKDOWN

For your next pregame, watch party, throwdown, or whenever you’re in the mood to be So Tasteful, plan to pick up some SoCo. And the next time you’re at the bar, go-ahead and order some SoCo Sour shots. On me. (just kidding. But maybe though.) 

Created in 1874 with an innovative blend of stone fruit and spices, SoCo Whiskey is the ORIGINAL ready-for-anything spirit. Satisfying on its own and ideal in any mixed drink, Southern Comfort is tasteful and approachable however you drink it and whoever you drink it with. 

My personal favorite blends? It’s a two-way tie between the SoCo Original and SoCo Black. Either way you can’t go wrong.

When you hit that happy hour tonight, make sure you….order a Soco Sour. One Part Soco + Two Parts Sour Mix.

Southern Comfort, Spirit Whiskey with Natural Flavors and Caramel Color, 35% and 40% Alc/Vol, Sazerac Company, Louisville, KY

NFL: Commanders hire Cowboys DC Dan Quinn as head coach and it looks like Bill Belichick will never work again. We should start a GoFundMe 🙏🏻

Ravens’ Mark Andrew saved a woman’s life yesterday. Travis Kelce would’ve probably just thrown a kicker’s tee to look tough. Sad.

I watched this video of Chief’s Rashee Rice reacting to Andy Reid’s viral Punt Pass and Kick challenge video from 1971 so many times. So pure.

NBA: NBA announces 14 reserves for All-Star game, including Jalen Brunson, who is officially the King of New York. This dude rocks.

Detroit should sign Tony Snell today to give him medical insurance for his 2 autistic kids. This season is a loss anyways, might as well take a W.

MLB: Orioles acquire starting pitcher and 2021 NL Cy Young winner Corbin Burnes from Brewers. Extremely un-Orioles thing to do.

CBB: New Mexico state player ejected after throwing a right hook at opponent mid game. Can’t do that!

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

A violent and dangerous Larry David assaulted a defenseless Elmo on live TV and has yet to be arrested. This human on muppet crime needs to stop.

FREE THE FEET. Couple cuts the bottoms out of their shoes so they can walk barefoot around the city, completely revolutionizing footwear forever.

Scientists used 14,000 year old hyena poop to extract Wooly Rhino DNA and I feel stupid. I’ve just been throwing away my hyena poop for years. Sorry science.

I love tuxedo-themed humor as much as anyone but this John Fetterman bit needs to stop. We get it dude, you don’t conform to standard attire norms. Just be normal for like 5 fucking seconds.

BLIND RANKING PLACES TO WATCH THE SUPER BOWL

This makes me extremely extremely sick to my stomach. B Dubs should be at least 3, probably 2. I expect a full apology to the B-Dubs community within the fortnight.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• Crazy stat: Bartolo Colon swung at 610 pitches in his career and his helmet stayed on for just 27 of them. Legend.

• I’m a BIG alien truther but this article on how we lost our minds about UFOs made me rethink some thing.

• Never thought I’d say this, but this Paramount+ Super Bowl commercial is actually really great. Worth the watch.

• Genuinely stunned by people like this girl who does not consume a single piece of media. What do you do with your time? Like what do you think about?

• Final season of Curb Your Enthusiasm drops soon and The Ringer ranked every single episode. Good rabbit hole to go down while you run out the clock this afternoon.