The Daily Friday: Friday 3/15

Happy Friday. Here’s what you need to sound smart today.

1. Senator Chuck Schumer calls for election in Israel while harshly criticizing Netanyahu. Good. The more he focuses on this stuff, the less time he has to ban Zyn.

2. PornHub disables site in Texas amid legal battle with state. If any Texans need other site recos, lmk. Currently pursuing my lifelong goal of watching every porn in the Internet so I can send you some links.

3. SpaceX has first successful rocket launch, though it exploded while re-entering Earth’s atmosphere. Blowing up upon re-entry? Sounds the airport toilet at customs after I come back from Montreal on Sunday. AYO!

4. Bernie Sanders pushes bill for 4 day workweek, mandating workers to 32 hours/week without loss of pay. This motherfucker is trying to double my workload. Piece of shit.

5. McDonald’s system outages reported worlwide, temporarily closing multiple restaurants for hours. They need to fix this by 3 am. If I can’t UberEats 48 McNuggets to my apartment, I’ll have a breakdown.

NEW ORLEANS RATS GET HIGH AS FUCK

Rats are just like us: lovers of weed, haters of paying for it.

On Monday, the New Orleans police revealed that rats had chewed their way into an evidence room, eaten a shitload of confiscated marijuana and proceeded to get high as fuck. I’m no detective, but the main rat ringleader here is pretty obvious: Remy from Ratatouille.

Let’s break down the evidence against him.

1. He’s a chef. Anyone who’s worked at a restaurant knows all cooks are addicted to weed and also small time drug dealers. He probably got hooked on the ganj and decided he’d stop at nothing to get his fix. Seen it 100 times.

2. He’s a leader of rats. It became VERY clear in the stirring Act 3 climax when Remy helped teach his family the power of following your heart that this is a rat that other rats will follow into battle. It would not shock me to learn he went full Danny Ocean mode and organized his crew to pull of the heist.

3. He’s capable of complex thought and emotion: The dude manipulated a man like a marionnette, became a world class chef, and impressed a super mean food critic. All while staying true to himself. Yeah….I think he can break into a police station!

ELEVATE YOUR GAME

March Madness is here and we’re pumped! But, let's be honest, your bracket won't survive the buzzer beaters and the never would've guessed upsets. So don't let the madness on the court overshadow the importance of maintaining balance off the court. 

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NCCAB: NC State’s DJ Burns is made for March: a massive dude with sick hair who upsets Duke. If they sneak into the tournament, him and Cream Abdul Jabbar will be in a fierce battle for America’s heart.

Big night in conference tourney play, as Marquette holds off Nova in OT, BC falls in OT to UVA, and Providence knocks off Creighton for the second time this year. Two days until Selection Sunday. We sleep in May.

NBA: Remember this for bar trivia in 11 years: after making 33 straight shots over 5 games, the Mavs’ Daniel Gafford finally missed, falling short of Wilt’s record by 2. I love his strategy of exclusively shooting layups or dunks.

I might watch the Allen Iverson documentary 250 times when it comes to Prime Video. Just to have something to base my personality around.

NFL: Throw Howie Roseman in jail for tampering with Saquon Barkley. And while you’re at it, ban the Eagles from the NFL for life. It won’t be enough, but it’s a start.

If I was a GM, I would trade my entire team to draft Xavier Legette based on his accent alone. You can’t teach that.

NHL: The heist of the century was pulled off yesterday, as a shipment of limited edition Jaromir Jagr bobbleheads was stolen by an unidentified thief. We all know it was Gritty. Piece of fucking shit.

MLB: Shohei Ohtani finally reveals the identify of his wife, a Japanese basketball player named Momiko Tanaka who balls the fuck out.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

Australian claims to have grown the world’s largest blueberry, which weighs 20 grams. Sorry mate, but Violete Beauregarde is like 100x that size.

Yodel Boy has grown into Yodel Young Man. 6 years after his viral fame, Mason Ramsey has dropped a new music video and I’m all the way in.

An Aussie billionaire is building the Titanic II, a replica of the original ship that will sail at sea. Can he also recreate the nude painting scene from the movie?

THIS ONE SLAPPED

Pantheon level sketch here. Adding Eilise to the Almost Friday crew is like the Warriors signing Kevin Durant in 2016. Just an embarrassment of riches.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• The world’s last man with an iron lung died after spending 70 years trapped in a tube and also, the past. Fascinating story. 

• If your friend is bailing on plans tonight, just send them this video. We can’t let the devil win.

• Bullshit genius: how the mythologization of Elon Musk by famed biographer Walter Isaacson was inevitable.

• This video of the largest cities in the world throughout history blew my mind. Baghdad had 1 million people in 860???

• Read this on your lunch break: The Squatters of Beverley Hills.