The Daily Friday: Friday 3/22

Happy Friday. Here’s what you need to sound smart today.

1. DOJ sues Apple for a creating US smartphone monopoly. Guys, we all know you have Androids and are just salty because you get left out of group chats for making the texts green. Grow up.

2. Neuralink has first successful human patient, a paralyzed man who controls computer to play chess with his mind. Only a matter of time before he starts using anal beads to cheat in competitions.

3. Congress aims to avoid government shutdown, votes on $1.2 trillion spending bill today. They should use all that money on Zyn and rack up rewards. That’s worth at least 100 tailgate grill smokers.

4. Man receives first ever pig kidney transplant. As someone who has to eat pork rinds 3x/day to stay alive, I’ll pass. Once you’re half pig-kidney, that feels like cannibalism.

5. Shohei’s interpreter fired for betting $4.5 million that he “stole” from Ohtani. If by “stole” you mean “was given to live-bet Russian badminton over/unders for Ohtani,” then yes, the interpreter is guilty.

HUSTLER OF THE WEEK

If we’ve learned anything from politics in the past 8 years, it’s that you can do anything and become anyone you want in America if you have zero shame.

No one embodies that mindset more than this incredibly audacious squatter in Queens, who embraces a billionaire mindset like I’ve never seen before.

Here’s a quick rundown of their hustle.

Step 1: move into a $1 million home that was left empty for a few days after the elderly tenants died. Live there for at least 30 days.

Step 2: get the owners arrested when they change the locks on their own home.

Step 3: start sub-letting the basement of your new home and pull in a cool $1,500 a month of pure profit.

It’s not their fault that NYC squatting laws are ridiculous. Don’t hate the player, hate the game.

This weekend, learn from these squatters and banish shame from your life completely

Shoot your shot at a bar with the worst pickup line in American history. You can’t humiliate someone who already despises themselves. Blatantly shoplift from CVS. If you get caught, just say “I’m sorry, I didn’t know I couldn’t do that.” Irish Exit your job at 1 pm and go watch hoops at the bar. What’s your boss gonna do, fire you? Then sue him.

The possibilities are endless. Let’s ride. Please don’t hold me legally liable for any of this btw.

ELEVATE YOUR GAME

March Madness is here and we’re pumped! But, let's be honest, your bracket won't survive the buzzer beaters and the never would've guessed upsets. So don't let the madness on the court overshadow the importance of maintaining balance off the court. 

Did you know you can get matched with a therapist that's right for you in less than 48 hours with BetterHelp. No more waiting days, weeks or even months to find someone to talk to. Join nearly 5 Million people on BetterHelp so you can perform at your peak, both on and off the court.  

Sign up with code FRIDAY25 for 25% off your first month session today.

NCAAB: Massive night of upsets in the first round, and Dr. Locks’ strategy of betting every single underdog is starting to look genius.

Biggest W of the night goes to #14 Oakland stunning #3 Kentucky, as 24 year old DII transfer Jack Gohlke drops 32 points off 10 (!) 3s. Instant legend.

Other top stories: all three 11 seeds won their games, #3 Kansas survives against Samford on a bullshit foul call, and NC State’s Cinderella run continues. Another full slate today, let’s fucking ride.

MLB: Dodgers and Padres kick off season in Seoul and LA’s $325 million man, Japanese pitcher Yamamoto, gives up 5 runs in 1 inning. Not great Bob!

NBA: James Harden plays better defense on his own teammates than opponents. That’s gotta count for something right?

DeRozan and Dillon Brooks get into it after a hard foul. Let the boys fight!

NFL: Thank god we got him back. Jameis Winston is no longer a free agent, gets signed by Browns and immediately starts taking snaps in street clothes.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

Sydney Sweeney says she’d like to do a movie with Margot Robbie one day. I guess I’ll hang onto my Dune 2 popcorn bucket until then. Just to be safe.

Palace confirms that Kate is working from home on ‘a special project.’ Great but we’re gonna need ya in the office at least 3 days a week. Company policy.

Bruce returns to the stage and strikes nice balance between Tilda Swinton, Jane Lynch and my friend’s aunt who coached my baseball team in 5th grade. And totally pulls it off.

New Beetlejuice trailer out and we need all eyes on Lauren Boebert at the premiere. I’m hammering +100 odds on another public tug-job in the seats. 

THIS ONE SLAPPED

Genuinely moving portrayal of loneliness and isolation in young males alert!!! Gotta say, this one made me feel something. Bravo.

The AFTV guys are spreading their wings and flexing their artistic muscles and I’m here for it. See you boys at the BAFTAs next year.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• Incest lovers rejoice: House of the Dragons Season 2 trailer is out.

• The US waged a global war against our most fearsome adversary…baby formula regulation. Look if the babies don’t want momma’s breast milk, I’ll take it for myself. I get thirsty a lot.

• Post Malone’s remix of Morgan Wallen’s ‘Had Some Help’ goes very hard. One day we will mash up every genre of music into one final genre. And it will be glorious.

• Sydney Sweeney is hot and all, but she really is taking control of her career in interesting ways. Respect Syd. Respect.

• Read this on your lunch break: The world’s best Scrabble player knows no limits.