The Daily Friday: Friday 3/29

Today is Good Friday. Let’s make it really Good. Here’s what you need to sound smart.

1. A big night of Sweet 16 upsets will hopefully continue tonight (shoutout DJ Burns.) If any teams needs help next round, I know a 28 year old with 4 years of eligibility left.

2. Sam Bankman-Fried gets 25 years for FTX fraud, will luckily get out of prison in time to see if the Blade Runner sequel was historically accurate. If he gets to meet Ryan Gosling, it’s all worth it.

3. Earth is spinning faster than ever, which may affect clocks. As a guy with experience spinning out rapidly, take my advice and just lean into it, Earth. You never have to face your issues if you never sober up.

4. Cocoa costs reach all-time high and could make chocolate bunnies pricier. This is the worst thing to happen to the fictional rabbit community since they made Lola Bunny not sexy in Space Jam 2.

5. A man married a conjoined twin. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN

LOVE IS A BEAUTIFUL THING

I finally believe in love again.

Josh Bowling, an Army veteran and nurse, married Abby Hensel, one half of a conjoined set of twins, and I’m inspired. If they can make it work, why can’t my ex Sarah and I? 14th time is the charm.

Brittany and Abby were featured in a TLC reality show in 2021, but for those who aren’t fully caught up on all things TLC (loser)…..

LET’S BREAK IT DOWN

• The twins share all organs below the waist and a bloodstream, which is ideal for smoking cigs. Even if only of them actually smokes, they both get the nicotine coursing through their veins. They can trade off who smokes every day and live forever.

• Abby controls the right arm and leg, while Brittany controls the left side. No offense ladies, but I’d absolutely body you in DDR. You simply don’t have the coordination to compete (don’t feel bad, no one does.)

• Josh married just Abby, while Brittany remains single and looking for love. Look, I love double dates and having sleepovers with my brother-in-law every night. I’m in.

• While Josh and Abby would like to have children, there’s no rush since Josh has kids from a previous relationship. I know that ex-wife is relieved. Clearly, he has a type and you weren’t it. That’s life.

• The twins remain happy today as 5th grade teachers, which is sort of a letdown. They should’ve joined the force. The good cop-bad cop routine would be twice as effective coming from the same person.

This is genuinely beautiful. It’s hard to find true love in this world. Against all odds, 2 (or 3?) people found each other, loved each other and made it work. That’s a W in my book. Let’s have a Friday.

MASTER’S MERCH DROP

It’s almost time for A Tradition Unlike Any Other. I’m not talking about your card getting declined on a date or your parents bothering you about being on their cell phone plan as a 29 year old. I’m talking about God’s gift to mankind: the Masters.

The greatest weekend in the world is just 2 weeks away and you owe it to yourself to be fully dripped out. Use DailyFriday20 at checkout for a little discount. My treat.

MLB: Juan Soto makes a Yankees debut for the ages, driving in an RBI and sniping the tying run in the bottom of the 9th. Give him his pinstripes.

Dodgers crew of former MVPs (Ohtani, Betts, Freeman) lead 7-1 win over Cardinals, with Mookie and Freddie homering in same inning. Doesn’t feel fair.

D-Backs set record with 14 run inning, A’s fans boycott, and Tyler O’Neill is addicted to Opening Day homers. Baseball is all the way back baby.

NBA: Steph Curry started crying during Draymond Green’s ejection like Ayesha told him she wouldn’t send him feet pics anymore. It’s ok, man.

Dejounte Murray drops 44 and a lovely little game winner as the Hawks pull off their second OT win over the Celtics this week. I will no longer be betting on Boston this post-season (yes I will.)

NCAAM: Illinois coach Brad Underwood absolutely does not need to apologize for baring his beautiful, middle aged chest in the locker room while celebrating their win last night. We embrace body positivity on this newsletter.

Sweet 16 action continues tonight. Why not hit every bet?

NFL: Jayden Daniels has skyrocketed up my draft board after seeing this photo of his elbow. Can’t teach that.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

Finally got a girlfriend and I can’t wait for the family to meet her at Easter. Mom and Dad, this is Chrysanthemum. I know you’ll love her as much as I do 😍😍

Join me in making a delicious cocktail combining the new 7-11 glizzy flavored sparkling water and Spiked Dunkin’ this weekend. Let’s touch God.

How dare Sage Steel mix up Johnny Sins with Joe Rogan? That’s my favorite plumber/firefighter/construction worker/poolboy/stepfathersonbrother.

Gypsy Rose announces she and her husband are separating after 3 months. We are here for you, Gypsy. Ready to talk when you are.

THIS ONE SLAPPED

The Dappening has arrived and it is glorious. This weekend, just remember: everyone deserves a dap. Even Stanley, Dan’s deadbeat brother. Don’t leave a loop unclosed.

Also Strider is the fucking man. LFG.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• Real Bros of Simi Valley is dropping a movie this summer that will be dank af. Throw on Season 1 at the kickback tonight to celly.

• This dude went on the same darkness retreat as Aaron Rodgers. He did not decide to play for the Jets aftewards, but it was still life changing.

• Seinfeld is making a Pop-Tart movie and I’m unconvinced. This could be the worst movie ever made or an all-time classic, no in between.

• Back in my day, we used to meet women the old fashioned way: with missed connections newspaper ads.

• Electric city: Paris has a waiter race where participants carry a tray with a croissant, water and coffee 1.2 miles. Need this in the Olympics.

• Ian Eagle is my GOAT announcer right now. Here’s his story.