The Daily Friday: Friday 4/14

Am I crazy or did Brad Paisley just convince Ukrainian President Zelensky to sign with WVU? These NIL deals are outta control.

BOOTY SLAP BOXING

Finally. A sport has been created to bring this world together: booty slap. Cancel your weekend plans. Training starts now.

This weekend, stay inside and do what God put you on this Earth to do – consume content.

Reality TV: Love is Blind finale drops tonight and we’ll find out which psychos will tie the knot. It better only be Brett and Tiffany or I’ll scream. Then Sunday night, we get a LIVE reunion so current WOAT Jackie (justice for Marshall), the gremlin known as Irina, fake-sister-hiring Kwame and mean girl Micah can answer for their crimes.

These people are all fucking batshit and I can’t look away. I’m with this guy.

TV: Check out documentary/comedy/social experiment show Jury Duty ASAP (absolute riot, big Joe Schmo and The Rehearsal vibes) and the final season of Barry premiering Sunday (can Hader can go back to doing funny shit now?)

Movies: Renfield hits theaters, starring Nic Cage as Dracula (he shaved his teeth for this, so support the King) along with Russel Crowe’s The Pope’s Exorcist, which has actual exorcists pissed.

Sports: NBA play-in continues tonight, starring Derozan’s daughter and NOT Kyrie and Luka (all time choke job there.) Real playoffs tip off Saturday so sign up with Bet MGM (use code BEERS) and get $200 in free bets. Knicks +5.5 is an absolute lock.

SIMP SEASON STARTS NOW

I love my wife, but I simp for the Rat Czar.

Kathleen Corradi, former schoolteacher and current celebrity hall pass of mine, is a “maestro of rat mitigation,” who has guaranteed “you’ll be seeing a lot of me…and a lot less rats.” Chills.

Every good woman should scare you a little bit and Kathleen definitely falls into that category. She’s total wife material. Strong willed. Cool shades. Czar in her job title. Plus, she makes $155k a year, so you could easily retire and be a house husband. What more could you ask for?

Sidenote – someone needs to sample the intro NYC Mayor Eric Adams gave her yesterday. Goes unbelievably hard.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

• I’m officially launching a new holiday, Shit Your Pants Saturday. Get things started tomorrow with the new Starbucks olive oil coffee.

• My fellow Swifties and I have been mourning Taylor’s breakup on Cornelia Street and the locals are pissed. As long as horndog Nick Cannon stays away, I’m good.

• Yo, we need to buy an NFL team. If Dan Snyder can turn an $800 million investment into 6 billy, so can we. Just easy money.

• After a night of drunken bonding, Woody Harrelson and Matthew McConaughey think they might be brothers. Been there, boys. Been there.

• Want to fucking hate yourself? Read this thread of how Chanel West Coast’s co-star Rob Dyrdek is more productive than you (he films 336 episodes of Ridiculousness a YEAR.)

GET YOUR NIGHT STARTED RIGHT

Glizzy straw? What about this is crazy? Seems pretty normal to me.

WANT TO RUN THROUGH A WALL?

Little motivation to get you to the weekend. Few.

In 2004, Barry Bonds had more intentional walks (120) than swings and misses (92) #bringsteroidsback.

Let’s find a good pitch to hit this weekend, fellas. Signing off - Commence Suckdown.