The Daily Friday: Friday 4/19

1. FBI warns that Chinese hackers have infiltrated US infrastructure and are poised to strike. They better not hack my Zyn rewards account and wipe me out. Only need 600 more cans for a cast-iron skillet.

2. Caitlin Clark signs Nike shoe deal in the 8 figures, which should ease the pain of her entry-level accountant salary and reporter’s being creepy to her (can’t believe someone has less rizz than I do.)

3. House’s attempts to pass foreign aid package held up by Marjorie Taylor Green’s request for ‘space lasers,’ a technology that does not exist. An active imagination is essential to govern properly. Kudos to you.

4. NHL’s Arizona Coyotes are moving to Utah after a $1.2 billion purchase. That still wouldn’t be enough to convince me to move from Scottsdale to Salt Lake City. Let’s hope Mormons like hockey.

5. Taylor Swift’s new double-album is out. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

NEW TAYLOR ALBUM GUIDE

At midnight, Jason Kelce’s future sister-in-law Taylor Swift released her new album Tortured Poet’s Department. 12 hours later, it’s already 2024’s most streamed album on Spotify.

Love her or hate her, there is one thing that’s for certain: people are going to be talking about Taylor nonstop today. Especially the ladies.

Don’t run from the moment. Embrace it. This is your chance to actually have something to talk about at the bar tonight. Here’s what you need to know.

• Though Taylor originally teased a 16 track song list, the album ended up being a surprise double album with 31 total songs (!) and collabs with artists like Florence the Machine and Post Malone. Rolling Stone gave it 100/100 which seems insane but whatever gets clicks right?

• Yes, there is (at least) one song about Travis Kelce: ‘So High School,’ which includes a reference to him watching American Pie every Saturday. Excellent choice Travis. I personally cranked it to the Nadia scenes several times in high school (apple pie was involved 30% of the time.)

• Kim Kardashian is now public enemy #1, as she gets dragged on ‘thanK you aIMee,’ where Taylor says “I changed your name and any real defining clues.” I think only capitalizing KIM is a fairly solid clue, but go off girl. Here’s why they have beef.

• The song also featured break-up songs about Joe Alwyn (her long-time ex) and Matt Healy, the lead singer of 1975 who she dated briefly last summer, particularly ‘Smallest Man Who Ever Lived.’ She has clearly never seen me come out of a cold pool, but I’ll allow it.

• Other popular songs so you don’t have to listen to the whole thing: “Florida!!! (yes those exclamation points are real,)” “But Daddy, I Love Him” and “So Long London.” You’re welcome boys.

The album was great and all, but personally I prefer the lyrics we found after hacking into the mainframe. Can’t believe anyone would she say she ripped off Piano Man.

GET YER FRIDAY BEERS HERE

To all the good folks in Providence, Rhode Island: we just dropped a shitload of beer at locations near you, including Sports & Leisure, Tammany Hall Pub, and McPhail’s.

We are going to be slinging these beers up and down the state, with some new exciting locations coming soon in Rhode Island, Mass, and more. Stay tuned.

NBA:  Play-in action tonight, as the Bulls and Heat battle for the chance to get swept by the Celtics and the Kings face off against the Pelicans after ending the Warriors dynasty (probably. maybe. idk.)

Injury bug hits the NBA, as Jimmy Butler (out weeks with MCL strain,) Alex Caruso, Giannis, Kawhi, and Zion could all miss time. His baby mama seems to be enjoying herself.

NHL: This stick save in OT from Otter was way more casual than it needed to be.

IT’S PLAYOFF TIME and the Empty Netters boys are here for all your hockey needs. Let’s fucking ride.

MLB: Jack Leiter (son of Al) gets rocked in professional debut, giving up 7 runs in 3 innings. That’s what you get for making me feel old.

I’ve been edging to this Mookie Betts throw for the last 48 hours. Hose.

UFC: After seeing this press conference from Ryan Garcia, we need to make sure Greg Doyel never covers the sport. He’d be dead within an hour.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

Shame on the 81 year old producer who said Sydney Sweeney is ‘not pretty’ and ‘can’t act.’ That’s like saying my girlfriends ‘aren’t real,’ and are ‘just some guy in India scamming you on your dad’s credit card.’ Just a flat out lie.

Reminder: the only thing standing between you and looking like Jack Harlow is billions of dollars, a professional stylist and the ability to grow facial hair.

Brazilian woman prayed to a figurine of St. Anthony for years before learning it was an action figure of Elrond from LOTR. Basically the same thing, tbh.

THIS ONE SLAPPED

Shoutout to Willy D and the boys for this banger on the Jontay Porter scandal. Free-play can take you a longggg way.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

•  The trailer for the new M. Night movie looks unreal. Watch it.

• I agree with this review: Conan O’Brien’s new travel show on Max is hilarious and heartwarming. Norway episode goes hard.

• Pretty sure my brain is broken but this Tik-Tok made me burst out laughing. Happy Friday edge-lords.

• Nothing but respect for Cavs legend Gary Suiter, who went to insane lengths to get playing time and free plane fare. Hustler of the year.

• This Boston Dynamics robot has some moves but who gives a fuck? I’m not scared of the Pixar lamp, why would I be scared of its twin?

• Read this on your lunch break: Auto Show Dispatch.