The Daily Friday: Friday 4/26

1. Trump immunity trial hits Supreme Court, as lawyer argue presidents are immune from prosecution from crimes, even if they assassinate rivals. Time for Biden to take this election into his own hands.

2. Zendaya’s new movie Challengers premieres today and I think someone needs to do a wellness check on Tom Holland. I know he’s a supportive short king, but that’s a tough watch.

3. Harvey Weinstein’s 2020 convictions overturned in NY, though he still faces 16 more years in California. Hopefully they move him to a prison without any potted plants.

4. Cicadas have arrived in South Carolina and they are making so much noise, residents are calling the police. Karens weren’t content with being racist, they had to get all specist too. Sad to see.

5. The NFL draft was last night and Kirk Cousins is pissed.

But first…today’s top story….🚨 FRIDAY BEERS IS IN NEW YORK 🚨

Yes, that’s right, America’s tastiest light lager and most shotgun-able beer has placed its flag in the ground of yet another one of the 50 states. Fridays in the Empire State will never be the same again.

To celebrate, we’ll be tearing it up in NYC next week (email me if you want more details, I’ll be hanging) and giving away a shit ton of cool prizes. LFG.

While you wait to win, make sure you pop on by your local bodega, sports bar, and everywhere beers are sold. Let’s Commence Suckdown.

Ok, back to the news.

DRAFT DAY RECAP

We haven’t had this eventful of a Draft Day since Vontae Mack got drafted #1.

LET’S GET INTO IT.

• The draft was hosted in Detroit, which had a record-breaking 275,000 fans watch Roger Goodell read names out loud for 3 hours. To be fair, there’s not much else to do in Detroit (this was sick though.)

• Heavy focus on offense this year, as the first 14 picks were on the offensive side (a record) and 6 QBs were taken in the first 12 picks (also a record,) including the official start of the Caleb Williams era in Chicago. I can’t wait for his first loss. The boomers in sports media will lose their minds.

• In perhaps the most shocking news of the night, the Falcons drafted QB Michael Pennix Jr. at 8th overall. I’m not sure who’s more pissed, this Falcons fan on Twitter or Kirk Cousins, who just signed a 4 year, $180 million deal. Give it a year, then chill on the bench, Kirk. Finesse for your family.

• Shoutout to Tony Khan for battling through a neck injury at AWE, Brian Thomas’s parents for giving the best interview of the evening, and Oz the Mentalist for guessing the first 13 picks accurately. I am so scared of his powers, it’s not even funny.

• The biggest snub of the night has to go to Iowa CB Cooper DeJean, who lost his chance to be the first white corner drafted in the first round since 1969. The state of Iowa has responded.

NBA: Joel Embiid may have had 50 points in a Sixers win last night, but he should be thrown in jail for some of his actions. He could’ve killed someone.

Thanks for having perspective, Lebron. It really is just basketball. Let’s skip Game 4 and let D-Lo have some well deserved phone time. He deserves it.

NHL: More goalie porn, as Freddie Andersen somehow pulls off this save to secure a Panthers win and extend their lead to 3-0. Get the brooms out.

Massive slate of playoff action tonight, including the Rangers looking to go up 3-0 with Matt Rempe, who is absolutely built for the playoffs.

MLB: How in God’s name did Yamamoto catch this ball? I thought dude died.

If this ump can take a knuckleball to the chest and still make the right call, Angel Hernandez can hit 50% accuracy in his next game. I believe in you.

Someone free Mike Trout, who currently has 10 home runs and just 13 RBIs.

THREE QUOTES AND A LIE

Billie Eilish gave an extremely informative interview with Rolling Stone where she came out as, well a lot of things.

I think it’s time for everyone’s favorite game…THREE QUOTES AND A LIE.

Here are four quotes. One is fake, the others are real. Guess away.

1. “Oh my god, how can anyone accept that a whale exists, ya’ll? Those things are enormous. The sound they make. That shit is terrifying to me. EW!”

2. “I am really excited for my new album to come out. I feel like this is a massive step for me as an artist and a global icon.”

3. “People should be jerking it man….I like to masturbate in front of a mirror…I should have a PhD in masturbation. ”

4. “I never learned to type on a computer. Now I regret it.”

Answer revealed at the bottom.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

Shoutout to Girthmaster, who makes Caitlin Clark’s annual WNBA salary in one month on OnlyFans. I’d love to be the Girthapprentice one day 🙏🏻

“4 more year, pause,” Joe Biden clarifies that he’s not sus and I’ve never been more confident in the direction of our country. If he dies in office, can they make Hunter president?

THIS ONE SLAPPED

Burst out laughing on the subway while listening to this one on the pod. Bravo.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• If Belichick is going to drop gems like this Randy Moss story, maybe it’s best he stays retired. Do I actually like him now?

• Piers Morgan absolutely fell in love with Crackhead Barney in this interview. What a wonderful world we all live in. Truly blessed.

• Reading this review of the 4/20 Phish concert at the Vegas sphere gave me so much FOMO.

• How the fuck did this dude pull this off? Doesn’t make sense.

• Read this on your lunch break: why silence is not the absence of noise, but its contrary twin.

3 Quotes and Lie Answer: Quote 2 was a fake quote, everything else was real.