The Daily Friday: Friday 4/5

1. Tiger Woods has given up sex to focus on The Master’s. Hopefully he’s not giving up sexting as well. Dude was Shakespeare.

2. A cicada-geddon is about to go down, as trillions are set to emerge in numbers not seen since Thomas Jefferson was president. Do the insects own slaves that they have children with as well?

3. Rare case of bird-flu found in human, and experts warn a pandemic would be 100x worse than COVID. So I’ll lose my job 100x times, gain 2,500 lbs and win 400 MVPs in 2k MyPlayer? Sign me up.

4. Disney proxy war won by Bob Iger, who remains CEO. Do I need to rewatch Succession to know what that means? I was too busy appreciating Shiv’s character arc to focus on the business stuff.

5. $30 million cash was stolen in LA on Easter. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN

But first, it’s time to wish a very happy one year birthday to ourselves!!!

Thank you for coming on this content journey with us and putting up with 3+ typos an email. Since we started 365 days ago, we’ve grown to over 105k subscribers that we are deeply in love with. As a thank you, we want to change your life forever with a new segment: the Daily Friday Mailbag.

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Smash that link below to ask your questions. We’ll give away free merch to the first 5 people who ask questions (they have to be real questions, not stupid shit.)

You can also just reply directly to this email if you’d rather do that. Back to the news.

$30 MILLION HEIST

This is some Ocean’s Eleven type shit.

On Easter Sunday, sophisticated criminals in LA pulled off the heist of the decade, jacking up to $30 million in cash from a facility without getting caught. I know Jesus would be proud.

LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

• The cash was stolen from a money storage facility, which I had no idea even existed. Aren’t these called banks? Or is that what the federal reserve is? Not a money guy.

• The thieves broke through the building’s roof and gained access to the vault without triggering the alarm. Much more sophisticated than The Town but still nowhere near as advanced as the Castien robbery. Aim for the bushes.

• Since the thieves pulled off the heist on a holiday, employees didn’t find out the cash was missing until they arrived at work Monday. What an absolutely brutal start to the week. Garfield was right: Mondays do stink (and lasagna rules.)

• The $30 million is a record for LA, and the bandits are still on the run, as a manhunt is currently being led by the FBI. I actually got my first make-out playing Manhunt many moons ago. Just a fun fact that definitely happened and I’m not making up to seem like I’ve kissed a girl before.

Shoutout to smart criminals. It’s way sicker to use your intelligence for cool stuff like this vs. becoming like a doctor or programmer or other lame shit. Respect.

ELEVATE YOUR GAME

Don't let the madness on the court this year overshadow the importance of maintaining balance off the court. 

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NHL: The beginning of the Rangers - Devils game Wednesday night reminded me why I love hockey: assault and battery is legal. Fire me up.

NCCAB: Massive Final Four weekend upcoming, as Caitlin Clark and Paige Buekers have a baddie-off tonight and DJ Burns and Zach Edey have a giant-off tomorrow. I’m pulling for a UConn vs. NC State natty for both men’s and women’s sides. Just cuz.

No one has a sense of the moment quite like Nebraska’s Keisei Tominaga. Elite 3 point shootout last night.

Can’t blame Hailey Van Lith for entering the transfer portal. If I got left on an island against Caitlin Clark in front of 12 million people, I’d be pissed too.

MLB: The Oakland A’s will play in a minor league stadium in Sacramento for 3 years while waiting for Vegas stadium to be built. They still won’t sell it out.

Shohei is straight up addicted to lying, as the fan who caught his first Dodgers’ HR denies that they met after the game and says she was pressured into returning the ball by the team. Figure it out my guy.

NBA: It’s hard to think of a more random podcast pairing than Michael Porter Jr. and the pornstar Lana Rhoades. I guess they both swing amiright?

Russ reminds me of myself in the post: really, really bad.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

Man caught on camera stealing a package while dressed as a trash bag. It’s remarkable to see this generation embrace the Scooby Doo style of crime.

Hey guys, big news: I performed my first surgery yesterday! She wanted Lord Farquaad up top and Jessica Rabbit down low. LMK how I did : )

Botswana’s president has threatened to send Germany 20,000 elephants. Soooo 20,000 YOUR MOMs 😏😏😏 jk jk, love you man. I’m just a sick fuck 😂

This Sleeping Beauty statue got a boob job and moves to #3 on my most fuckable statues list, behind Lady Liberty and the Prague butthole statue. Congrats.

THIS ONE SLAPPED

If there’s one thing you watch today, make it this. Legitimate cinema.

The AFTV team keeps raising the bar with everything they do: writing, acting, cinematography, editing, production, all that other stuff I don’t really know about but can tell is top quality shit. Shoutout everyone involved.

Catch up on the entire season now if you’re late to the party.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• If Stephen A Smith transitioned full time into political commentary, I might actually start watching cable news again. Let him cook.

• The long, sad story of the stealing of the Oakland A’s.

• This guy absolutely nails the top 4 white people of all time. Shoutout to his mechanic Travis.

• Dev Patel’s Monkey Man is out today and looks fucking fire. It better because he almost died making it. 

• Read this on your lunch break: how PostSecret broadcasts hidden truths of American suburbs and the limits of limitless disclosure.