The Daily Friday: Friday 5/12

Me walking into the office today after another disastrous office happy hour showing that will certainly get my corporate card taken away for good.

• Finland Prime Minister

• Bo Jackson Has Hiccups

• Yahoo Still Exists?

• Weekend Sports Preview

• What Else Is Good: Chafed Affleck, Foolish Shakira, Rihanna’s Baby.

• Friday Send Off

• Humanity is Powerful as Fuck

HOT FINNISH PRIME MINISTER DIVORCES HUSBAND

Pour one out for the homie Markus Räikkönen, the now ex-husband of the hot Finnish Prime Minister Sanna Marin. He has fumbled a baddie and my heart breaks for him.

Fellas, do me a favor. No one slide into Sanna’s DM’s tonight out of respect to our guy Markus. This weekend is about the boys.

Let’s all pop over to Finland, toss back a few Finnish brews and let Mr. Räikkönen blow off some steam. I’m realizing that I don’t know a single thing about Finland (is it the same thing as Sweden? What is the cuisine? Can we go surfing?) or how to pronounce his last name but I’m sure we can make a nice little weekend out of it.

And Marky? If you do want to send Sanna’s WhatsApp to some of the single fellas that dig women in power, that’s fine too. Whatever helps you heal.

BO JACKSON BATTLES HICCUPS

The human body will never cease to amaze me. Bo Jackson, greatest athlete of all time, has been battling the hiccups for OVER A YEAR and has to get surgery to fix it.

What a truly insane amount of time to have the hiccups. I would probably have to kill myself in that situation and I’m not even joking. Especially after trying one of Bo’s attempts to fix the hiccups – smelling the ass of a porcupine. 

Yes, he actually tried this and no, it did not work. I have so many questions.

Why would this work? Genuinely curious from a medical standpoint.

How long did he wait before trying this? If it’s less than 3 months, he should be committed. This is really a last resort type thing.

Who told him about this? And are they still on speaking terms?

How did he get a porcupine? Do all rich people have a porcupine guy? Do I need one?

What did it smell like? We all wanna know.

THIS SEEMS MOSTLY RIGHT

Quick question: who the fuck is still going to Yahoo.com in the 2023rd year of our lord? Also everyone knows that XVideos is superior to Pornhub. Hoping to see these rankings flip next month.

NBA: Knicks, Warriors, and the Corgi have their reputations on the line tonight. Strip Mark Jackson of his MVP ballot vote. Jayson Tatum is an absolute dog. Everyone wave bye-bye to the Suns.

NHL: The Blackhawks are already making bank off Conor Bedard. Nurse suspended for the Oilers game tonight. Ryan Reynolds’ bid to buy the Senators got snubbed…sucks to be poor bro.

MLB: Anyone know where I can get Phillies season tickets? 20 year old Eury Perez will make his debut today as the youngest Marlins player ever. Tyler Mahle getting Tommy John, out for the year. The new Blue Jays stadium looks so fucking cool.

OTHER: Tom Brady might buy the Raiders? This Betr reporter at the Nate Diaz press conference is very, very bold. Messi’s suspension has been lifted.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

• Ben Affleck consistently look like he wants to kill himself on what would be the best day of my life. Dude - you have a hot wife and were very solid in Reindeer Games. Life’s not so bad.

• Spitting mad that Shakira has ‘no interest’ in dating Tom Cruise. Tom has only gotten hotter over the years (has she even seen Top Gun 2?) while she hasn’t had a hit or paid taxes since ‘05. Get a grip girl.

• In awe of the softball catcher who simply throws the ball into batter’s faces. Technically legal for the same reason Air Bud is allowed to play (and dominate) in youth sports: there’s no rule that says you can’t do it.

• Is that a family name? Rihanna and ASAP Rocky have named their son RZA in honor of the Wu-Tang-Clan. Beautiful to think that in 20 years people might name their children Baby Goth or Island Boys.

• Mark Zuckerberg won two medals in a Jiu-Jitsu tournament. Nice bro, now go fix Instagram so I can see Jessica from work’s profile. Keeps saying I’m blocked for some reason.

WTF IS THIS SHIT

This Spiderman themed meal from Burger King is fucking gross. Uncle Ben died for this? Shame on you and your entire corporation BK. Bread is not red.

FRIDAY SEND OFF

George RR Martin has been real quiet since this dropped (and the last 20 years in general.)

In 1851, 47% of people didn’t reach the age of 50. In 2011, 97% of people did while 50% of people lived until the age of 84.

This is absolutely baller as hell. Science rocks.

Commence Weekend.