The Daily Friday: Friday 5/17

1. Justice Department officially takes formal steps to reclassify marijuana as a lower-risk drug. Now please focus on the more pressing issue: the nationwide 6 mg Zyn shortage. I’m hanging on by a thread.

2. The 149th Preakness is tomorrow and it’s gonna be a wet one, with 70% chance of rain. Pro-tip: tell all your boys it’s gonna be a ‘sloppy track’ and ‘any horse could take it.’ You’ll sound smart as hell.

3. Slovak Prime Minister remains in critical condition following assassination attempt on Wednesday. Should be fine, nothing major usually happens when a Central European leader is assassinated.

4. Chuck E. Cheese to remove animatronic bands from all restaurants by end of year. Where were you on the day the music died?

5. Scottie Scheffler got arrested and still made his tee time. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN

FREE SCOTTIE SCHEFFLER

Scottie Scheffler, golf’s #1 player, a new father, and overall good guy, was arrested and handcuffed this morning during a ‘traffic misunderstanding’ before the second round of the PGA Championship.

He was freed from jail soon after and still made his tee time with 30 minutes to spare, something I haven’t done in about 11 years. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

HERE’S WHAT WENT DOWN

• Traffic had stopped outside the course after a worker was struck and killed by a shuttle bus at 5 am this morning. Scheffler arrived to the course and unaware of the accident, tried to drive around the set-up to get to the course. An officer then ordered him to stop and attached himself to a car (how does one does this?)

• In what Scheffler says was a misunderstanding, he drove another 10 yards (aka one touch of a gas pedal) with the officer attached, leading to the officer being dragged on the ground (hilarious visual) and damaging his $80 pants beyond repair. Look, the guy probably got so excited to see his hero he shit himself or came his brains out. Relatable.

• The police then handcuffed Scottie (apparently didn’t know who he was) and took him to jail, while PGA reporter Jeff Darlington filmed the entire incident. Scoop of the century. Scheffler is facing 4 charges, including second degree assault of a police officer and third degree criminal mischief. Bad boy alert.

• Scheffler was released from jail at 8:40, made it to the course for his 10:08 tee time and promptly birdied the first hole. I officially need to get arrested before my next club championship. It’s my only shot to crack the top 50.

As expected, the Twitter memes went absolutely nuts. My favorites:

• Scottie has officially joined the most exclusive club in all of golf.

• We all know who was behind this arrest. Nice try Rory.

• Anyone who’s ever been on a golf trip in their late 20s / 30s has a buddy like Scottie.

• Is this going to be the catalyst for Frat Boy Summer? Perhaps.

• His tee walk up is me walking back into the living room of the pregame tonight after throwing up in sink and shitting my pants a little.

• We haven’t seen a cop mistake like this since Terry shot the bi-racial angel Jeter (should’ve shot A-Rod!)

If you’re not hammering every single Scottie Scheffler prop today, you just don’t understand sports.

REAL FRUIT, REAL SOUR

I know what you’re thinking: when is Friday Beers going to launch their own sour candy collaboration? Well, the wait is finally over, because we’ve joined forces with the good folks at Final Boss Sour to create 4 unique flavors inspired by spring break and dorm room cocktails that will blow your mind. 

If you love sour stuff, Final Boss Sour is 100% up your alley. They use real dried fruit and no artificial ingredients, so you can snack guilt free. Plus, their gamified packaging lets you know just what level of sour you’re getting, from level 1 up to 4.

The official Friday Beers snack flavors for your immediate consumption, from Level 1 to Level 4, are as follows: Sour Colada, Jungle Juice, Strawberry Margarita, AMF.

Quick challenge for all the brave souls out there. Toss a handful of the Level 4s in your mouth and don’t make a sour face…we bet you can’t.

Oh btw: we’re also giving you 12 free pouches today, on us. Smash that link.

NBA: T-Wolve smoke Nuggets by 45 (!) to force Game 7 and Jamal Murray needs to be investigated. Spending too much time with MPJ’s brother.

If the Knicks are going to close out the Pacers tonight, they need someone to rip ass in the locker room before the game again. All time glue guy move.

NHL: Rangers rally late, storm back from 3-1 deficit to close out the Hurricanes, as Chris Kreider scores a natural hat trick in the 3rd period. Madness.

Game 6 tonight in Boston, as the Bruins look to force a Game 7. At least someone finally admits that they’re all trying to hurt each other. 

BOXING: Mike Tyson told Jake Paul that videos of him dancing when he was 16 gave him an erection. Just a masterclass in mental warfare.

NFL: KC kicker Harrison Butker in hot water for controversial comments during commencement speech where he said women should be homemakers (sure his mom is pleased.)

The Giants will be on this year’s first ever offseason version of Hard Knocks. Brilliant move to distract the world from their horrible new jerseys.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

Avril Lavigne addresses conspiracy that she’s dead and been replaced by body double, says ‘obviously it’s me, so dumb.’ Exactly what a body double would say.

King Charles’ royal portrait accurately captures him absolutely drenched in blood. Best part is, this sucker is tomato soup resistant. Sorry protestors.

Livvy Dunne’s SI Swimsuit shoot made my eyes pop out of my head as I pulled a train whistle, steam came out my ears and I howled at the moon.

Alive and (living in a) well? Man thought to be dead was found in waterhole next to neighbor’s house, where he was held hostage for 26 years. The only man who could have survived longer is Joe Dirt.

THIS ONE SLAPPED

Usually this move works. Honestly, I’m shocked that it didn’t. Kinda have to reconsider my entire worldview now, which is always a bummer.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• Francis Ford Coppola’s Megalopolis premieres to mixed reviews at Cannes. I’ll see it, but if the trailer is any indication, I’ll have 0 idea what’s happening.

• Christopher Columbus thought that manatees were mermaids, and still kinda wanted to fuck them. Sailors are all time horn dogs.

• Fuck it, Prime Adrian Peterson highlights. LFG.

• Read this on your lunch break: I went undercover as an OnlyFans chatter.

• Scientists believe alien power plants could be drawing energy from 7 stars in our galaxy using ‘Dyson Spheres.’ Their ConEd bill is going to be massive.

• Where Magic the Gathering went wrong.