The Daily Friday: Friday 5/19

Walking back to our apartment to Commence Suckdown after free steak with my roommate’s parents.

• Old People Bachelor

• Nicki Minaj Lookalike

• Titanic Was Low-Key Small

• What Else Is Good

• Shit Your Pants Saturday

• Bring This Up at the Pregame

Let’s get into it.

THE GOLDEN BACHELOR

Things are about to get very horny.

ABC recently announced the launch of The Golden Bachelor, a new dating show where one 60+ year old man will look for love in a house full of similarly aged women.

This is a perfect combination of horny (retirement homes have tons of STDs,) hilarious (old people don’t have filters) and wholesome (who doesn’t want to see grandparents fall in love?)

Here are 5 dudes I want to see on the first season:

Bill Nye: A really sweet, intelligent, and wholesome man. With an absolute hammer cock.

Robert DeNiro: Big ol’ horndog. 79 years old and still pumping out kids. Let’s get it.

Ruben Rabasa: OG Friday Beers hero. He honestly might be too famous for this show. Too many groupies.

King Charles: Gonna watch the women flock to his fingers. Get piped city

Jimmy Carter: still kicking it at 98 and had obvious chemistry with Jill Biden. The dude is pulling every chick that enters that house, no questions asked.

NICKI MINAJ LOOKALIKE?

Has modern science gone too far?

This man spent $50k to look like Nicki Minaj and it definitely worked. This is exactly what she looks like.

I’m gonna look into Pedro Pascal surgery stat. Or Minaj surgery. Guy could actually get it.

SIZE OF TITANIC VS. CRUISE SHIP TODAY

Was The Titanic the biggest flop of all time? I still kinda don’t believe that it’s real. Yes, the movie was immaculate and it was the first time I saw human boobies ever. But, the actual ship was a joke. How can you hit an iceberg? Just open your eyes and steer a little better you dunce.

What a perfect weekend to break even with your bookie for the first time in 2023.

NBA: Heat take Game 1 and this ref lost a fortune on it. Lebron is old, Jamal Murray is good, and Jokic dresses like a 1920s streetwise layabout. Doc Rivers could land in Milwaukee next season.

NHL: Panthers pulled it out against the Hurrican in 4 OT (!) and The Empty Netter boys were there to stream on NHL YouTube. Dallas and Vegas tonight - I got Vegas in 6, no questions asked.

MLB: ANOTHER D-Backs pitcher has hit a bird with a pitch. Gary Sanchez is back in the majors, gets called up by the Mets. Let’s fucking goooo San Diego.

OTHER: Antonio Brown is BACK in pro football. Mouth-breather Bryce DeChambeau leads the PGA Championship after Day 1 and slow play is still an issue. Preakness this weekend: I’m going National Treasure to honor Cage.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

• The Oscar Meyer Weinermobile rebrands to the Frankmobile after our suggestion Cocknballsmobile was apparently not received. There’s just no room for truth in advertising anymore.

• Look what Michelle Obama took from us. Schools are pulling chocolate milk from their lunches due to health concerns and Big Milk needs to step up. I drank dessert at lunch every day and I ended up totally fine outside of “minor” diabetes.

• Alec Baldwin continues to be typecast, will play a role in the upcoming Kent State shooting movie. No word on Ja Morant’s involvement, but you have to assume he’ll get a shot (like gunshot. Do you get it? Cause of the gun thing?)

• I’m happy to tip this grocery store self-checkout machine 20% after I steal 10 pounds of beef that I rang up as tomatoes. Robots have families to feed too.

• Target lost $500 million last year due to in-store theft, which fucking sucks because now they’re gonna put EVERYTHING behind plastic cases. It’s already a goddam side quest to buy deodorant and razors and now it’ll be a full on treasure hunt to purchase anything.

SHIT YOUR PANTS SATURDAY 

PSA: this video is officially NOT SYPS culture. Shitting Your Pants on Saturday is a good thing and should be celebrated.

We are a community of peace and shitting your pants in happiness. This man has brought shame on what we’ve worked so hard to build. Young man…lay down your weapons. Ask for forgiveness. Shit Your Pants the right way tomorrow. Or else.

Your pong partner might suck tonight. So what? Embrace the Cam Newton mindset and carry your team to victory tonight.

Commence Weekend.