The Daily Friday: Friday 5/26

Me when someone in the office asks who clogged the toilet after I shat out my entire lunch 11 minutes ago.

• We’ll Pay Your Bar Tab

• Hands Off My Hot Pockets

• Long Live Long Nose

• Baby Head Size

• What Else is Good

• Shit Your Pants Saturday

• Bring This Up at the Pregame

Let’s get into it.

WE’LL PAY YOUR BAR TAB

Friday Beers - your next round could be on us.

Every week, we will be paying the bar tab for one lucky subscriber (up to $250, don’t get greedy.)

Here’s how it works.

• A winner is picked at random. Every email subscriber is eligible to win.

• Every person you refer gets you an extra entry in the pool (your referral link is at the bottom of this email.) You refer 5 of your buddies? You got 6 chances to win. You refer 500? You got 501 chances and also a shitload of homies.

• This contest runs Wednesday-Monday every week. Go drinking this weekend.

• Keep your bar receipts. We will pick the winner and pay YOU what you paid drinking this weekend 🤝

Back to the news.

HANDS OFF MY HOT POCKETS

Is nothing sacred in this world? Clifton Williams, a 64-year-old Kentuckian man, shot his roommate in the ass after he stole his last Hot Pocket and will face jail time.

Here’s the facts: Clifton’s roommate should be thrown in jail for life, if not get the electric chair. You never touch another man’s Hot Pockets. No matter what.

Honestly, I would rather my roommate sleep with my girlfriend and mother in my own bed than steal my last Hot Pocket. There’s certain things you just don’t do.

Clifton, you will be freed and your roommate will face justice. That is my solemn promise to you on behalf of the entire Daily Friday community.

LONG LIVE LONG NOSE

Heaven just gained another angel. Pour one out for Mehmet Özyürek, owner of the world’s largest nose, who passed away this week at 75.

Mehmet’s glorious beak measured 3.46 inches, 57% larger than the average male nose and he never hid from that fact. As he said himself, “the world likes it, Guinness World Records likes it, of course, my wife likes it too.” Play on, playa.

You know what they say about big noses right? Neither do I. We’ll never know because he’s gone.

I’ll leave you all with these final words from his son. “My father was not only at peace with his nose, he was at peace with his life.” I got goosebumps.

BABIES ARE NOT REAL

Just been staring at this dude's massive dome. Respect.

NBA: Ja Morant is taking a break from social media. Smart move... In a heroic admission, Lebron says he was injured the entire playoffs.

NHL: US moves on to the semis in worlds, will definitely massacre Canada.

MLB: This is the best viral meme template in ages. A’s reach an agreement to move to Vegas. Vegas baby yeah!

OTHER: This Asian woman looks exactly like Kobe. The Patriots once again got busted cheating. Gotta feel for this college baseball announcer.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

• He’s just like me fr. Shakira has reportedly been begging Tom Cruies to stop flirting with her, confirming once again that 1) Cruise is psychotic and 2) no matter how rich and famous you are, women still want nothing to do with you. Kind of freeing, honestly.

• Thanks Obama. No actually, thanks Obama. Your daughters both rip cigs and that’s chill as hell.

• Congratulations to 50 Cent for having a massive penis. Probably could have guessed that one myself, but good to have it confirmed by his ex, Chelsea Handler (did I miss that one?)

• Mark Hamill recently described the character of Luke Skywalker as “gay if you want him to be.” Been feeling the same way about myself recently.

• A new study suggests that you should breathe less oxygen in order to live longer. Thanks for the advice?

• Margot Robbie confirmed in an interview that Barbie can’t feel sexual desire. Sounds like every girl I’ve ever been with… HEYO!!!!!

SHIT YOUR PANTS SATURDAY

I’m sharing this only because I’ve personally shat myself on a golf course twice. Sometimes a scary fart can get away from you, especially after a couple crispy boys. If it can happen to a sitting president or an incredibly jacked email newsletter writer, it can happen to you.

SONG OF THE SUMMER ALERT

We will be closely tracking the Song of the Summer throughout the coming weeks. Our first entry is from DJ Press Play himself, who just dropped a fire new remix. Listen to that shit now.

Commence Glizzy season. Commence Memorial Day Weekend.