The Daily Friday: Friday 5/31

1. Spelling Bee final goes to spell-off tiebreaker before Bruhat Soma dominates with 29 correct words in 90 seconds. Kid is incredibly electric. Officially a full blown Soma Stan.

2. Poppi pre-biotic soda sued for misrepresenting gut health benefits. Daily reminder to always abuse your body and shove whatever you want down your gullet. Being healthy is a scam anyways.

3. French Open bans alcohol after unruly fan incidents. Lame as fuck. This is why the French Open should always be held in America.

4. Washington Zoo gets 2 giant pandas from China. Bold prediction: they will have a Harambe situation this decade, triggering events that will lead to an alien invasion and/or COVID-20. Just a feeling.

5. Trump is now a convicted felon. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

TRUMP CONVICTED IN NY

Yesterday, Donald Trump made history, becoming the first Home Alone 2 actor US President to ever be convicted of a felony.

A ton of shit went down last night and a lot is still going down. Time to talk the facts, and most importantly, break down the best memes of the past 18 hours.

LET’S GET INTO IT.

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW

• A 12-member NY jury found DJT guilty of all 34 charges involved in falsifying business records to conceal payments to porn star Stormy Daniels. Trump can still run for president but might not be able to vote in some states (how funny would it be if he got busted for fraud while voting for himself?)

• Trump will be sentenced on July 11th, a few days before the Republican National Convention will name him as the nominee, with punishments ranging from probation to jail time. It’s unclear if he could still be president from jail, which would be simultaneously insane and hilarious, especially since his Secret Service would be joining him (need Hollywood to green-light this sitcom.)

• Following the conviction, Trump donations skyrocketed (and crashed the campaign site,) while Biden urged people to vote. Meanwhile, Hillary Clinton chimed in for some reason. Thanks girlie.

• Trump will almost certainly appeal the case and still has 4 more criminal cases against him (though they likely won’t happen before the election.) Can’t imagine spending that much time in court. Gotta be boring as fuck.

Politics aside, there’s one thing that we can agree on from yesterday’s news: the memes were top notch. Here were my favorites.

• Open Facebook for a second and you’ll be flooded with stuff like this from the boomers in your life. Big “He Gets Us” commercial energy.

• Time to slide into Melania’s DMs before this happens. Barron, don’t think of me as a step-father. I’m just the father who stepped up.

• Speaking of Barron, he’s about to throw the biggest party this high school has ever seen. No parents, no rules.

• Biden needs to open a merch shop ASAP and sling this thing. Would do numbies.

• This bad boy will absolutely be a poster on someone’s wall by the end of the weekend.

• Gonna go full Donald Trump and Dion Waiters mode tonight at the bar with the ladies (0 for 34, never losing my confidence.)

WAS I SECRETLY ADOPTED FROM CHERNOBYL?

As a life-long lover of hentai and all things cartoon porn, I’ve always felt like there was something wrong with me. Like I was different. Disgusting. Dirty.

But now I realize, it’s not my fault. I was just probably adopted from a high radioactive zone in Chernobyl. It was the nuclear waste that made me love tentacle porn and Lois Griffin-Lisa Simpson girl on girl content, not the worms in my brain. Finally, after years of self loathing…I’ve found peace. Namaste.

NBA: The NBA finals are set, as the Mavs dominate the T-Wolves in Game 5 (Luka dropped 36 but still got his beer stolen) and will face the Celtics in Kyrie Irving’s return to Boston. Dr. Locks COOKED in his breakdown.

NHL: For the first time since Game 1, we didn’t need overtime in the ECF, as Florida broke a 2-2 tie in the 3rd to take Game 5 in the Garden. Whatever. Rangers in 7.

Oilers take Game 4 to even series against Stars, with a massive Game 5 in Dallas set for tonight. I still can’t believe this shot didn’t go in.

MLB: The MLB will now incorporate Negro League stats into official baseball records, making Josh Gibson the all time leader in batting average, OPS, and slugging. Ty Cobb might not have been as pissed as you’d think.

Mets reliever Jorge Lopez spoke no lies during his post game interview.

NFL: Weeks after divorcing Kelsey Plum, Darren Waller has dropped the Song of the Summer and rocketed up my fantasy draft board.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

Nice try, Deadpool & Wolverine. You’re not gonna get me to say I want to face-fuck your popcorn bucket that probably has no gag reflex. Sorry.

All-time hater move from North Korea this week, who sent 150 balloons filled with manure and garbage over South Korea. Might do this with my neighbor Mike (stop having sex so loudly, bro. It’s very braggy.)

Seinfeld says he misses ‘dominant men’ in today’s society. Where was this energy when you made an entire film about a bee cucking a married dude?

Man who paid $14k to live as a border collie now wants to be a different animal. Respect. There’s always a new mountain to climb 🙏🏻🙏🏻

THIS ONE SLAPPED

Another banger here from Elise. “How do you want me to be, in order to be with you?” will ring in my head for eternity. Bravo.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• 🚨ALL TIME CLIP ALERT 🚨 Man with suspended license takes Zoom call with judge while driving his car. Must watch.

• The American Dream Mall in NJ has an indoor wave pool that you can surf in. Sounds fucking lit, I’m in.

• Inflation has gotten so bad that a private chartered jet now costs $65k more than an American Airlines flight. We used to be a country.

• Life hack: put on the Any Given Sunday speech before you leave the pregame tonight and run through a goddam wall. Let’s go boys.

• Read this on your lunch break: How a former Big Oil CEO colluded with OPEC to jack up gas prices for everyone in America.

• Allen Iverson was a better football player than a basketball player. Fuck it, full 16 minute AI football highlights.