The Daily Friday: Friday 5/5

Frozen Marg. Double Corona. Heater. Happy Cinco De Mayo from the OG Rally Queen.

• Rigatoni River

• King Charles Coronation

• Old People Are Hot

• Weekend Sports Guide

• What Else is Good

• Shit Your Pants Saturday

• Friday Send Off

SPAGHETTI AL NATURAL

Nature is healing. We are the virus.

Last week, 500 pounds of cooked pasta were discovered in the north Jersey woods, which makes total sense. After generations of Italian influence, this is just what naturally grows in the North Jersey climate. It’s called nature.

Where do you think Artie Buocco got his farfalle? How do you think Carmela Soprano made her famous ziti? You people act like you’ve never picked from the Gabagool Tree or gone fishing at a Prosciutto Pond. Oh!

CORONATION QUICHE

King Charles’ coronation is tomorrow and here’s what we got:

• Prince William will be there, as will his wife Kate’s best friend Rose, who he happens to be fucking.

• Lionel Richie, Katy Perry and Bocelli will be performing since no one else wanted to.

• Meghan Markle is blowing it off, but Kamala Harris is going so that’s nice.

The biggest drama to me is the absolutely disgusting dish they’re serving at “The Big Lunch.” It’s a beans and spinach quiche.

These are the richest hobnobs in the world, and this is what the best they can do? It’s called the Big Lunch. This is JV soccer team level cuisine. It’s disgusting, look at it.

Figure it out King Charles. Don’t make me come beat the shit out of you and your mutant hands, because I will.

YOU’RE NOT UGLY, YOU’RE JUST NOT 40

This is encouraging. Sure, you’re not getting laid right now, but that’s just because you’re not 40 yet. We still got time.

Playoff (and other sports updates) for the fellas.

NBA: Jess Alba sat courtside at MSG, courtesy of an invite from married man Julius Randle. Shocker: CP3 is once again hurt for pivotal playoff action. Charles Barkley likes schneef. Quick reminder that the Warriors are very good.

NHL: This fan is the Hater of the Year. 4 Draisaitl goals weren’t enough for the Oilers to take down Vegas. Panthers put America on their backs and go up 2-0 against Toronto.

MLB: Don’t show this Wander Franco clip to your dad. The A’s are selling 37 game ticket packages for $99 (!!) this summer and it probably still won’t work. Shohei Otani joins the 500k, 100 HR club.

DERBY: Saturday is the Kentucky Derby. Forte’s the favorite at 3-1. Best name goes to Cyclone Mischief. I’m putting my money on Confidence Game (20-1.) It’s all most of us got.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

• Trillionaire mindset: the 10-year-olds working McDonald’s shifts until 2 am would make Royce DuPont proud. Never let the law get in the way of the grind.

• Nic Cage claims his earliest memory was in the womb, where he could see “faces in the dark.” As someone that still remembers being cum in my dad’s ball sack, I absolutely believe him.

• This apartment belonging to three 24-year-old men is beautiful. Fuck Ty Pennington…let these guys host Extreme Makeover: Home Edition next.

• Surgeon General released data showing that the effect of social isolation on mortality is equivalent to smoking 15 cigs a day. Tough blow for someone like me who never leaves his house and also smokes 15 cigs a day, but that’s life for ya.

• If your girlfriend seems excited, it’s got nothing to do with the Applebee’s res you secured for your 8 year anniversary. It’s because the new trailer for the new HBO Max doc on Bama Rush just dropped.

SHIT YOUR PANTS SATURDAY

This week’s SYPS award goes to the entire San Francisco Giants organization. Keep shitting and make us proud.

FRIDAY SEND OFF

One of the most relatable sketches I’ve ever watched. I feel very seen.

The rumors that America has fallen off are categorically false. Commence Cinco de Mayo suckdown.