The Daily Friday: Friday 6/14

1. Tesla shareholders vote to upload Elon Musk’s $44.9B pay package and to move company to Texas. Finally, a win for the billionaires. I love when good things happen to bad people. 

2. Inside Out 2 premieres this weekend and could top Dune 2 for largest opening of the year. The sequel will feature new characters Anxiety, Envy, and Embarrassment aka my average Sunday morning.

3. Joey Chestnut and Takeru Kobayashi are set for an all-time, one on one, Glizzy Suckdown on Netflix. I might leave my parents’ Netflix and get my own account just to support (probably not.)

4. Massive sports weekend incoming, with Euros kicking off, the US Open, and a potential Stanley Cup and NBA Finals double sweep. Beautiful weekend to stay indoors and lose every single parlay.

5. Aliens may be living among us, according to a Harvard study. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

PS - due to some unwe are going to have to push the mailbag to next week, so there’s still time to ask your questions if you’d like. Please forgive us.

ALIENS LIVE AMONG US

A recent Harvard study came to a conclusion about something that I’ve always known: aliens are real and live among us (maybe.)

And can you blame them? Earth is awesome. We have cool phone games, fracking, WiFi on planes (sometimes,) and chicken picatta. I love chicken piccatta.  

As a proud 100% human, it’s easy for me to spot the aliens masquerading as people. Essentially, anyone who is richer, more powerful, and better than me at stuff is an alien (they are cheating using otherworldly powers.)

Here are the Top 5 People That Are Probably Aliens Living Among Us

1. Jim Carrey: only an alien could move their face in that way and also produce these 3 bangers in one calendar year. Not fooling me.

2. Kris Jenner: Famous for no reason. Rich for being famous for no reason. Wants to have a baby at 68 because ‘uteruses don’t age.” She’s clearly not a human being, but it’s all good. You have hot daughters and that’s fine by me.

3. This “baby”: not how human babies operate. They mainly shit themselves and cry when you drop them on their heads, not rip darts with pinpoint precision. Nice try, pal. 

4. Aaron Rodgers: His ability to throw a football is definitely non-human (complimentary) but so is his ability to act chill and normal (derogatory.) Sorry, I’m a Jets fan and he’s just really pissing me off right now. Show up to camp. 

5. Sabrina Carpenter: put on this Earth to create songs that stick in your head. She is also hot. Like suspiciously hot. She and Barry Keoghan are definitely alien soul-mates who have to fulfill a mission here on Earth before they can return home. Poetic af.  

STOCK UP ON 4th OF JULY MERCH

Our first Joey Chestnut-less 4th of July in decades is right around the corner. Make sure you stock up on some dank fits to ease the pain. It’s what he would have wanted.

US OPEN: Scottie Scheffler battles bad iron play and the world’s worst haircut in opening rounds to fall 10 strokes behind leaders Cantlay, Rory and Bryson.

NHL: Panthers hold on in Edmonton to take a 3-0 series lead, look to close out on Saturday. Absolutely insane that this franchise is so close to a title.

NBA: No one was more upset about Luka’s performance Wednesday night than Windy. Dude went OFF. Please god make this last another game.

MLB: I have a new hero and it’s the 19 year old who jumped onto the field at a Cincinnati Reds game, executed a perfect backflip, got tased to smithereens and then dominated his hearing with the judge.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

A 2nd grade teacher beats charges for showing up to work drunk, as “it’s not illegal to teach drunk.” I guess you can’t argue with that.

Chick-Fil-A introduces a ‘Summer Camp’ where kids can learn how to be work there. They’re going to come back so nice and chipper, it could actually save Gen Alpha.

A donkey named Diego went missing 4 years ago, and now is part of the elk community. Reminder you’re never too old to change your life 🙏🏻

Rare great white buffalo seen in Yellowstone, which means 2,000 years of prosperity (and obsessively watching your ex-gf from 7th grade’s IG stories.)

🚨HOW COOL EPISODE 3 🚨

All-time episode at Slab City aka the City with No Laws. This series is really starting to hit its stride. I can’t wait for the episode when they go to the moon. That’d be fucking sick.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• Matt Damon + Casey Affleck + Fenway Park Heist is the perfect recipe for a movie I will watch the shit out of.

• Read this on your lunch break: what happens when the world’s best Excelers flock to Vegas.

• The trailer just dropped for Netflix’s new NFL reality show Receivers, featuring Justin Jefferson, Kittle, and Deebo. LFG.

• The inside story of the Titanic submersible is even worse than you imagined.

• In honor of the US Open, let’s pull up the Tin Cup final hole scene. Turly never gets old.