The Daily Friday: Friday 6/23

• Elon vs. Zuck

• The Neymar Rules

• Sports Franchise Price Tags

• The Big Game

• Shit Your Pants Saturday

• What Else is Good

• Bring This Up At the Pregame

ZUCC VS. MUSK

Finally. Something that can bring our divided nation together… a billionaire fight. After some brief shit-talking online, it’s officially confirmed: Elon Musk and Mark Zuckerberg in the octagon.

Not since the great Southwest Airlines arm wrestle have we seen a battle royale like this and I could not be more pumped. Let’s go to the stats:

STRENGTHS:

• Actual experience fighting.

• Can windsurf.

• Did a Murph challenge and definitely didn’t lie about his time.

WEAKNESSES:

• Cares about his children (too much to lose)

• Last name rhymes with Cuck (easy to shit talk)

• Didn’t like his character in The Social Network (don’t care that it was fictional.)

STRENGTHS:

• An absolute hoss.

• Can fly off to space at a moment’s notice.

• Horrible relationship with children (has nothing to lose)

WEAKNESSES:

• Extremely horny online (distracting)

• Brain might short circuit with Neuralink chip

• Kinda ruined Twitter.

I’m with Dr. Locks… Zucc is a HEAVY favorite. Hammer that man.

For a full breakdown of easiest billionaires to beat up, check out our post from a few weeks back.

THE NEYMAR RULES

🚨 GOOD GUY ALERT 🚨 This week, Brazilian soccer star Neymar posted a beautiful note on Instagram, apologizing to his pregnant girlfriend for cheating on her multiple times. Heroic.

Honestly, I personally don’t even think an apology was necessary. His girlfriend had him under some pretty tyrannical rules.

1. He is forbidden to be with call girls.

2. He cannot kiss women on the mouth.

3. He has to wear a condom.

Talk about sacrifices. These are like the 3 best things ever. Call girls are super nice, kissing on the mouth is so fun and condoms are way too big to be comfortable.

Things are just different for big stars. As a meme page newsletter writer, my lovers generally have to enforce similar rules. It’s the price you pay for love as a celebrity.

SPORTS FRANCHISE SALES

Crazy to think I am just $1,999,746 away from buying the Dodgers. I’ll be even closer next week when my paycheck hits. This billionaire shit is easy.

Disclaimer: this does not include the $3B Hornets sale that MJ made to cover his gambling debts. I don’t make these charts, I just find them online. Go complain somewhere else.

NBA DRAFT: 5 of the top 7 picks didn’t go to college in the US. Kinda weird. I might have to steal this look from Grady Dick. Shoutout to Thompson twins going back to back at 4 and 5…I’m surprised these monks didn’t get scooped up.

MLB: Angels’ Urshela breaks his penis. Finally…Manfred admits that Astros players should have been jailed for life. Can Bill Burr announce every Red Sox game from now on?

NBA: This goddam league. Chris Paul for Jordan Poole. Porzingis for picks, Marcus Smart and Tyus Jones. Dame for no one.

NFL: Ayauasca addict Aaron Rodgers will speak at psychedelic mushroom conference. The AFC East could pick up Dalvin Cook and De’Andre Hopkins this week.. Deion keeps his foot.

OTHER: 15-yr-old Steven Jimenez has played in the MLS before he’s taken the PSAT. America First: USA beats Canada in World Lacrosse Championships. SLAMBALL IS BACK.

SHIT YOUR PANTS SATURDAY

Do not throw away the shit in your pants on Saturday. Save it and use it for art.

PS: shout out to the New York Post. Pretty much the exclusive provider of Shit Your Pants Saturday content at this point.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

• Long Live Long Nose! Study shows that men with longer noses have bigger penises.

• Domino’s will start delivering pizza by jetpacks. This is the future the Jetsons promised.

• Marjorie Taylor Green calls Lauren Broebert a “little bitch,” which is exactly what everyone wrote in my yearbook in 7^th grade (totally fun inside joke thing, you guys wouldn’t get it.)

• The 9 year old that asked his parents to stop buying him presents and start saving for college. He would have crushed it in the coal mines and motivated his boys as well #inspiring.

• The Titanic submarine saga is over, as 5 passengers are confirmed dead and one stepson is confirmed unhinged online. Still not sure how to feel about this story, but man…every single detail was absolutely insane.

And everything I thought I knew about life is now a lie.

What do you say we have one this weekend? Commence Suckdown.

Best reviews getting featured moving forward 🤝🤝🤝