The Daily Friday: Friday 6/28

1. Bronny James drafted by the Lakers, as he and Lebron make history as first NBA father-son duo. Reminds me of when I got my first job (youngest VP in history at my father’s firm.) Well deserved.

2. Supreme Court ruling on multiple pivotal cases today surrounding abortion rights, Jan. 6 rioters, and homelessness. Until they lower the drinking age to 11 and legalize whippets, I’m not interested.

3. NFL forced to pay $4.7 billion in damages to fans in Sunday Ticket settlement case. I will take my payment entirely in BetMGM free play credits. Gonna turn that into $4.7 trillion and save the US economy.

4. Massive sinkhole at Illinois high school spans 100 feet wide and swallows entire soccer field. Rory McIlroy would still lip out a putt here.

5. Joe Biden and Donald Trump debated last night. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?

Joe Biden and Donald Trump debated live on CNN last night and everyone watching had one collective thought: we are all fucked.

Biden had a lot of moments like this, Trump told a lot of lies, and it’s looking like it’ll be a wild next few months until the election.

LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

• Easily the best moment of the night was when Trump and Biden did what two old white guys do best: get into a golf-related dick-measuring contest. Honestly, if these two had a long-drive contest for the Presidency, I’d watch.

• While Trump lied consistently throughout the debate, he at least was able to form a coherent thought, which is always a huge plus. You’ll have to excuse him for getting a little distracted thinking about Stormy Daniels. I get it.

• Afterwards, Jill Biden broke out her kindergarten teacher impression and congratulated Joe for not dying on stage, Trump dropped a mixtape of Biden’s worst moments and thankfully, Stephen A Smith chimed in. I love this country.

• Meanwhile, our third candidate (the one with brain-worms) ran a competing debate broadcast where he spliced himself into the screen and answered the questions posed to Biden and Trump. Kinda love that move, to be honest.

Reportedly, the Democratic party is panicking and looking for a replacement for Biden before the primaries. Probably could’ve told you that was a good move like 2 years ago, but good to know even successful people procrastinate.

I say you go with either an infant child (if you’re going to be incoherent, might as well be young) or bring back George Santos. At least that’d be entertaining.

25% OFF SITEWIDE!!!!!

Get yerrrrr merch here! Everything is 25% off site wide on the Friday Beers shop. Can’t think of a better way to start the weekend.

MLB: Shohei Ohtani currently owes his life to this batboy. Someone sign this kid ASAP.

Tough 9th inning for the Phillies, who lost the game AND Harper and Schwarber to injuries. Coulda gone a lot better!

NBA: WILD story about Kyle Filipowski and his 28 year old Mormon groomer girlfriend. Of course, he got drafted by the Utah Jazz. Can’t make this shit up.

FOOTBALL: I don’t know what’s worse: Team USA losing to Panama in the Copa America or to Team Japan in American football. We really are fucked.

COLLEGE BASEBALL: Congrats to Jake Dunion, who finally made it to the big leagues: cold-calling at Northwestern Mutual. Dreams do come true.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

The sock wars continue, as Gen Z mocks Millennials for wearing ankle socks. What ever happened to making fun of each other for being dumb or poor or having a hot mom? Miss that.

Huge news guys: after a stirring gender reveal that involved nearly decapitating my pregnant wife…I am officially having a baby girl! #GirlDads.

Until death dew us part? Woman poisoned husband’s Mountain Dew with RoundUp after he was not appreciative of birthday party. Seems reasonable.

Shoutout to the dog who fought 13 coyotes attacking his sheep, killed 8 of them, disappeared for 4 days and came back after killing the rest. This should be the next John Wick sequel.

WIFFLE BALL: THE DOCUMENTARY

Can’t think of a better way to cruise into the weekend than tossing this bad boy on the second monitor while you half ass your job. Let’s get to happy hour.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• The ‘Real Bros of Simi Valley’ movie trailer has officially dropped. Skip ahead to 1:54 for a tasty little surprise.

• Laughed out loud at least 5 times during this Jimminy Glick interview with Bill Hader. ‘Diddy’s pool house’ is now entering my lexicon.

• Read this on your lunch break: What Game of Thrones did to the media.

• I’d actually play the shit out of this The Bear video game. 

• Wells Fargo analyst ordered the same Chipotle burrito bowl 75 times at 8 different NYC locations to prove a point on portion inconsistency. Modern day version of Supersize Me.

• Fuck it, ending of the 2007 Boise State - Oklahoma Fiesta Bowl. Just because it’s fucking awesome.