The Daily Friday: Friday 6/30

“So it’s called The Daily Friday but they send an email every couple of days. It’s news from the Friday Beers angle. Not serious news but the kind of stuff you talk about in a group chat or a pregame. They have this thing called Shit Your Pants Saturday -”

• Enhanced Games

• Scam Boy Summer

• Top Netflix Shows

• The Big Game

• Shit Your Pants Saturday

• What Else is Good

• Pillowcase Stat

WE NEED THE ENHANCED GAMES

Inject this into my veins… literally. Heroic English businessman Aaron D’Souza is attempting to create an Olympic-like event called the Enhanced Games, where participants are not drug tested and encouraged to ‘roid the fuck up.

I watch sports to see athletes push the limits of the human body. Who gives a shit if drugs are involved?

I stretch the boundaries of physical performance every weekend and I’m totally fine. You can’t be addicted to Adderall, salvia, and gas station dick pills can you? Point proven.

SCAM BOY SUMMER

Anything is possible. Just ask Italian teacher Cinzia Paolina De Lio, who recently was fired after avoiding work for only twenty of the twenty-four years that she was employed.

Her approach was brilliant. For the first ten years, she simply did not show up for work at all. Easy enough. Then for the next fourteen years, she took off the equivalent of ten years in sick days, family emergencies, and personal reasons. Adds up to me.

Italians are known for working the system (who can forget the hospital worker who did not work for 15 years?) and this is a fantastic achievement.

Congrats to Cinzia who has beaten out other notable scammers this week including…

• A liquor store clerk who stole a $3M Lottery ticket.

• A 23 y/o who posed as a hotel owner and convinced a Vegas casino worker to give him $1 mil in cash. Real life Ocean’s Eleven moves.

• Cali man who secured a $9M bag with a phony cow manure – green energy investment.

• The NJ government, which fined a man $1.9M for the simple crime of cutting down all of his neighbor’s trees for a slightly better view.

Kinda love it. Commence Scam Boy Summer.

WHAT ARE YOU PEOPLE WATCHING?

I have seen maybe half of these shows. Wtf is Money Heist? It’s low-key scary that half the population is consuming something that I genuinely had no clue existed. What else do I not know?

MLB: This play pretty much sums up the A’s season. The Rangers pull 4 All Star starters. Yanks Domingo German throws perfect game, couldn’t have happened to a better guy. Francona returns to the Guardians bench.

NFL: RIP to Ryan Mallet. 4 players are suspended for gambling, including Colts CB Isaiiah Rodgers, who bet $1k on a rushing prop for his own team. Colin Kaepernick is still waiting for a call from an NFL team. Me too, bud.

NHL: Connor Bedard is officially a Blackhawk. Bit of a shocker…Carlsson goes #2 to Anaheim over Fantilli. The Ducks 30th anniversary jerseys are fire.

OTHER: Congratulations to Zion and Moriah Mills on the upcoming child. The perfect couple. Can someone figure out how to bet on Grandparent Racing? Need this ASAP. Wembaya Jr is terrifying. The Sixers might actually trade James Harden.

SHIT YOUR PANTS SATURDAY

Justice is served. The man accused of cheating to beat a Grand Master in chess using anal beads had his lawsuit finally dismissed. I firmly believe that the anus is for one thing and one thing only: shitting. Let’s not mess with perfection.

If you shit your pants this holiday weekend, please send pics over (email or DM on @the.daily.friday.) We can start a group chat.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

• “They weren’t even sweating.” Confidence Activist leads Shein brand trip to Chinese forced labor camp clothing factory and ensures everything is fine.

• Confused by the Grimace trend? Here’s how you explain it to your father whose house was just foreclosed on.

• Feminism win. Adam22 redefines progressive masculinity and lets his wife have sex with other man on camera. Susan B. Anthony salutes you.

• Relatable. This chimp seeing sunlight is exactly how I look emerging from my apartment every Sunday afternoon to get a bacon egg and cheese. 

• Penis enlargement surgeries are a waste of money. My girlfriend has told me multiple times that my 2 inch monster is perfectly natural and what women prefer.

• Tom Hanks’ niece had the meltdown of the century when she was eliminated from the Claim to Fame show and I think I might be in love with her. Weirdly exactly my type.

The pillowcase and sheets of a single man in his 20s has to be the single most disgusting thing in the entire world. Gets washed maybe twice a year.

During my freshman year of college, my friend’s mom moved him into his dorm and put SIX fitted sheets on his bed, one on top of the other. Every month he would just throw the top one out and have a clean sheet underneath.

The line between genius and insanity is thin and his mom definitely walked it that year. Let’s walk that same line this weekend. For our nation. What do you say?

Best reviews getting featured moving forward 🤝🤝🤝