The Daily Friday: Friday 7/21

Everything you need to know to sound smart today.

1. Congrats to the IRS for winning $433 million on the $1.08 billion Powerball drawing. I’m sure you’ll put it to good use.

2. Want to hate yourself? The NPC Tik-Toker Pinky Doll makes $7,000 a day and you still steal extra silverware from Chipotle at 28 years old.

3. Marjorie Taylor Green showed pics of Hunter Biden’s full penis in the same room the Federal Highway Act of 1965 was signed. Breakdown here.

4. New get rich quick scheme just dropped. Jury awards $800,000 in damages to 4-year-old girl burned by McDonald’s chicken nugget.

5. Things are getting weird in the case of missing Alabama woman Carlee Russell. LET’S DIVE IN.

THE STRANGE CASE OF CARLEE RUSSELL

One of the weirder missing person’s cases is unfolding in real time in Alabama, around 25 year old Carlee Russell. Though she returned home last Saturday, every day new information comes out that is a bit…odd.

Here’s what you need to know:

• On Tuesday 7/11, Russell Googled whether you have to “pay for an Amber Alert,” “how to take money from a register without being caught,” and “maximum age for an Amber Alert.” I’d like to know the answer to all those, but now I’m way too scared to look them up.

• She also Googled the movie “Taken” and tweeted like crazy for a few days straight. Again, this is a pretty standard afternoon for me so I’m starting to get a little spooked about my own digital footprint.

• On Thursday 7/13, Carlee pulled over on a highway and called 911 after she saw a ‘toddler walking alone.’ Surveillance footage shows her following the ‘toddler’ for 600 YARDS, VERY far for a 3 year old to walk. Or anyone to be honest.

• She was reported missing after her call and returned home Saturday night with a bruised lip, torn shirt and $170 in cash. She told family she’d been abducted but no abuse occurred.

She seems to be ok, but this whole thing is creeping me out.

Full details here and more should come out over the weekend. Either way, this is 100% going to be a Netflix doc in 3 years.

HOW TO ORDER WINE

Nice. I will still just take the 3rd cheapest red, but good overview.

Sidenote - I’ve been doing this thing at restaurants when the waiter pours you a sample of the wine. I take one sip and go “YUCKY!” while scrubbing my tongue vigorously with a napkin and repeatedly say “I don’t likey!!!”

People really hate it.

GOLF: Brian Harman takes early lead at The Open as Jon Rahm almost killed a fan with an errant tee shot. Murderer! (He is completely fine)

MLB: This Bryce Harper at-bat is me at the bar refusing to speak to a single woman (crippling fear of rejection, too drunk to speak, don’t know many words.)

Mariner’s outfielder Jared Kellenic broke his foot kicking a water cooler after he struck out. Get a grip dude.

NBA: Draymond Green got in a Twitter fight with Kevin Garnett over a fake tweet. Can the season start soon please?

NFL: League finally approves $6B Washington sale as Dan Snyder is forced to pay $60 million after harassment investigation.

Jaguars assistant coach Kevin Maxen comes out as gay and the new Colts jerseys come out mid as fuck.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

I took a poop in Ibiza. Beaches shut down in Ibiza after high levels of feces found in water.

Cillian Murphy only ate 1 almond a day while shooting Oppenheimer. Cool bro. I eat zero almonds a day because they taste like shit but you don’t see me bragging about it.

Huge 10 inch Penis Fish wash ashore in Argentina, 5x larger than a perfectly normal penis. If you’re looking for your mom, this is where to find her 😎

Tourists flock to Death Valley as temperatures reach record heights. This is like the Native Americans taking pictures with the Pilgrim’s smallpox blankets (ironic because it’s the thing that will kill us.)

Ariana Grande is dating Wicked co-star Ethan Slater, who also played Spongebob on Broadway. I totally get it…this dude is fucking stud.

SHIT YOUR PANTS SATURDAY

According to a new study, pooping only every 3 days can lead to cognitive decline. I poop 7x a day and am absolutely brilliant so that all checks out.  

Not that you needed any more encouragement to fill your pants up with shit this Saturday but this is bulletproof justification. It’s a medical necessity.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• They lost their kids to Fortnite.

• Want to get pissed off? Watch this video of airport baggage handlers slamming luggage.

• Anyone else addicted to Immaculate Grid?

• WILD fight at the end of the Bangkok-Hong Kong hockey match.