The Daily Friday: Friday 7/26

1. Rumors swirl online that JD Vance had sex with a couch, which is completely false. He made love to a couch. It was soulful and tender and they both wept after. It was almost as beautiful as the memes.

2. Ohio Supreme Court rules that boneless wings can have bones. What’s next, sugar-free Red Bull has sugar? Non-alcoholic beer has alcohol? Gas station dick pills make me even softer? When does it end?

3. Skibidi Toilet film and TV franchise in the works with Michael Bay. Major news for all the brain-rot heads out there. Hopefully this guy gets his own network now.

4. Southwest Airlines changes boarding policy, will get rid of open seating policy starting in 2025. The last bastion of democratic, merit-based airline travel has officially fallen. We are at war.

5. The Olympics are off to a not so hot start. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

OLYMPICS GETS DE-RAILED

This morning, hours before today’s Opening Ceremony, France’s high speed train lines were hit in a ‘coordinated arson attack’ to sabotage travel to Paris.

While no fatalities were reported, the attack resulted in a large number of trains being disrupted or cancelled, impacting travel for many spectators.

It’s just one of several speed-bumps to the Paris Games. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

• It’s unclear who was responsible for this morning’s train line attack, but officials have warned that the over the next few weeks, the Olympics are at risk for threats from jihadist, cyber and Russian attacks. Oh good, nothing serious. At least they’re not at risk for attacks by cat-fishers who seduce you via Words with Friends. Trust me, those fuckers can be lethal.

• The largest security threat will occur at today’s outdoor Opening Ceremony, which still a full go, despite concerns about rain (that would suck.) A military camp has been established and will contain 100k security personnel to protect 300k people and hundreds of world leaders. Scary stuff, but at least Snoop Dogg looked sick as hell carrying a torch. Honestly, makes me feel safe.

• In an even more serious matter, British athletes have spearheaded a boycott of the Village because the food tastes like absolute shit. When the British are complaining that food tastes bad, you know it’s rough. Athletes claim that meat is under-cooked and the focus on plant-based foods has led to shortages in real people food like chicken and eggs. Do we need Jon Taffer to come in there and fix that shit? I can ask him.

MLB: Hard to think of a worse way to go out than the Braves last night, who had a failed squeeze in the top of the 10th and a missed fly ball in the bottom of the 10th to lose.

Dylan Cease gets the 2nd no-hitter in Padres history with help from an assisted fly ball catch. Just like they drew up it up.

SOCCER: Both of the Canadien men’s and women’s soccer teams were caught using spying drones for years. I vote we officially annex the entire country from North America. It’s the right thing to do.

NBA: NBA is back on NBC after new contract and that means the return of one thing: the legendary Roundball Rock theme song. All is right in the world.

NFL: Jim Harbaugh compares the first day of training camp to coming out of the womb. Childbirth is slightly less magical than two-a-days but he’s not entirely wrong

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WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

Thank you to this week’s Piss Boy, Michael Robinson, for teaching us you don’t truly love your girl until you piss through her hands. Relationship goals ❤️ 

Shoutout to the dude who got busted smuggling ketamine twice in the same week at Seattle airport. Learning from your mistakes is a sign of weakness.

A Nigerian man has broken the Guinness World Record by twerking for 3.5 hours. I’m now inspired to set the world record for hours spent watching twerking videos on Instagram tonight.

BASED NEWS: Spongebob is officially autistic, according to his voice actor. Does that make Squidward…ableist? I shudder to think of Patrick’s diagnosis.

ALMOST FRIDAY POD

Massive new Almost Friday Pod episode featuring Patrick Warburton and Dylan Sprouse from the movie The Duel.

The lads discuss the following: how high is Patrick's highest note? Will Dylan and Cole Sprouse team up for another acting role? Does Dylan want kids soon?

All while enjoying Dylan's homemade mead. What more could you want?

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• The Friday Beers extended universe put together a Wii Tournament for the ages in the office with Strider on the mic. Must watch content.

• Personally, I’d like to die while doing heroin on my deathbed, but a close #2 is how King George from Renfaire wants to go out. Respect.

• Read this on your lunch break: the skydiver who survived a 14,000 foot fall.

• Shoutout to Chase Budinger, who went from failed NBA player to Olympic volleyballer player. I might have to pick up the ol’ Wilson.

• No matter what happens tonight in the Opening Ceremony, it’s not gonna top the 1992 flaming arrow. Guy had balls of steel.

• Lesson learned: do NOT put fireworks in a dryer and slam the door shut while they explode. The more you know.