The Daily Friday: Friday 7/29

Everything you need to know to sound smart today.

1. After the success of Barbie, Mattel has plans to create a cinematic universe of up to 14 properties, including Polly Pocket, Barney and Uno. Here are our pitches.

2. Shit got very real at the UFO hearings, as former intelligence officers testified under oath that the US government has UFOs and ‘non-human’ bodies in their possession. LFG.

3. After a tie with Netherlands, US Women will need at least 1 point in their next game to advance to round of 16 and save me from financial ruin.

4. South Korean researchers discovered the first ever room-temp superconductor that is super important for some reason. I don’t really get it, but you can read this article and explain it to me.

5. Mitch McConnell either shits himself, cums his absolute brains out, or is overtaken by alien during press conference. MORE BELOW.

POLITICIANS ARE OLD AS FUCK

On Wednesday, 81 year old Mitch McConnell had a bit of whoopsie at a press conference. Let’s watch it again because it’s fucking insane (also nuts how long it took for someone to step in btw)

The incident raised an important question…who was under that table sucking him off should politicians really be this fucking old?

Some shit to consider.

• The average age in Senate is 64 years old, the 2nd oldest in history after the 2021 Senate (64.1 years old lol) The average age of US citizens is 38. Not a math guy but that seems off.

• 4 months McConnell had a separate incident where he fell and sustained a concussion and began using a wheelchair in airports. Low-key jealous he gets to board the plane early.

• 90 yr old Diane Feinstein was reportedly confused Thursday during a voting on an $823 billion defense bill and had to be told to say ‘aye’ in her vote. Comforting.

• We sent a 100 year old Harry Kissinger to negotiate with China. Here are some things he’s older than, including sliced bread.

I love old people. I hope to be one someday. But it’s fucked to cling to power and shape the futures of people you don’t understand or seem to care about because you’re too greedy/bored to retire.

Let’s start implementing age and term limits. I want more hot politicians.

ALIEN TRUTHERS

This better be even higher post UFO hearings. I really need the aliens to come before my next credit card payment is due. Was kind of banking on that happening already tbh.

NBA: New money Jaylen Brown is dating a grandmother whose daughter is older than him. Still would.

Nikola Jokic celebrates his Serbian horse race victory more than his NBA championship. God bless this man.

MLB: Angels are all in, say they will not trade real life alien Shohei Ohtani and strike a deal for pitchers Lucas Giolito and Reynaldo Lopez from White Sox for two top prospects.

NFL: If you catch your girl crying in the bathroom, she’s probably concerned for Joe Burrow after he suffered a non-contact calf injury.

Aaron Rodgers gives up almost $35 million to help the Jets free up cap space to potentially sign Dalvin Cook and other free agents. God, I can’t fucking wait for Hard Knocks.

TBT: Want to witness an actual bloodbath tonight at 6pm? Pop on ESPN+ and watch the Friday Beers team dismember Men of Mackey limb by limb.

@fridaybeershq

Rusty is ready to come off the bench. #tbt #fridaybeers

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

This AI model might be very fake but the feelings I have for her are very real. As is the money I have Zelle’d her on several different occasions.

Subway will give away free sandwiches for life if you legally change your name to Subway. I pray to God Zyn runs a similar campaign…I would happily go by 6MG Coffee Zyn forever.

I am absolutely stunned to hear Kylie Jenner admit that she has gotten plastic surgery. I simply do not see how that’s possible.

Manatee dies after having ‘high intensity sex’ with his brother for 2 hours. Someone warn the Island Boys so they don’t go down this dangerous road. It’s a slippery slope (trust me)

The word ‘hero’ gets thrown around, but it is insufficient for this Texas Representative who went on a hunger and thirst strike for a full 8 hours. True triumph of the human spirit.

Save room on your wall for your framed high school football jersey and Wolf of Wall Street poster with this foldable TV.

GOOD VIBES WEEKEND SEND OFF

You gotta check out our page Hug Your Bros. Good advice and good vibes from a good dude. Perfect watch to get you in the right mindset heading into happy hour.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• The ocean is trying to tell us something.

• Would you eat at this 5 star restaurant that’s straight out of the The Menu?

• The greatest scam ever written.

• It’s insane how well Sofia Vergara has aged.

• Interesting perspective on the new era of Twitter from a former employee.