The Daily Friday: Friday 8/11

Everything you need to know to sound smart today.

1. Phil Mickelson book reveals totally normal gambling habits, including $1 billion in wagers, 800+ $200k bets, and 43 MLB bets in one day (no Eastern European cornhole?)

2. Lil Tay Lives. 14 year old influencer claims she was hacked on Instagram after rumors of her death spread online Wednesday.

3. Wildfires rage in Maui town of Lāhainā, claiming 50+ lives, 1,000+ buildings and destroying cultural relics.

4. The future Caesar died for. Elon and Zuck confirm fight with Italian government, will take place in Roman ruins and stream online.

5. Can I apply to be a Supreme Court judge? Based on Clarence Thomas’s experience, the perks sound sick as fuck. MORE BELOW.

CLARENCE TURTLE THOMAS

I officially need richer friends.

A new report just dropped, exposing Supreme Court judge Clarence Thomas as the Turtle of his billionaire friend group after he accepted even more free shit than was previously reported in April. Uh yeah dude, what else is he supposed to do?

Let’s rank the top perks received.

5. 8 Helicopter Rides: You can take a Blade for a couple hundred bucks as a civilian (spend a weekend in the Hamptons and every banker will tell you about it.) Also, helicopters are loud and I don’t understand how they stay in the air.

4. A dozen VIP passes to pro and college sports games: Kinda lame, mainly since most of these were used for Nebraska football games. Watching a Martinez throw 3 interceptions for the 8^th best team in the Big Ten sounds mid.

3. Invitation to exclusive golf club: I like to play bad boy golf (shoes off, 9-19 beers, stop keeping score after hole 12.) Don’t think that would fly in a stuffy place like this.

2. 26 Private Jet flights: Now we’re talking. The yacht of the skies. Worth it just to avoid going through security plus they definitely have free drugs up there.

1. 38 Destination Vacations: my dude wanted to become a travel vlogger and didn’t let his age, income, or ethics get in the way of that. Inspiring.  

Check out the full story from ProPublica, including this photo from a trip he took to Jackson Hole.

I need to know what the tribute song was. My submission:

“Clarence, Clarence

We wish we were your parents

Please don’t be embarrassed

You are who we cherish

Go strike down gay marriage”

CREDIT CARD DEBT HITS $1 TRILLION

We did it fam. We hit 13 digits.

After a massive bender last weekend, I have officially pushed the US consumer credit card debt to $1 trillion. Over 6% of that number consists of my charges at Chili’s and OnlyFans (for my Chili’s waitress) so you’re welcome, everyone.

The world is ending soon anyways, so might as well rack up the Chase Sapphire points 🤝

NFL: Buster Skrine watched too much ‘Catch Me if You Can,’ and got busted for 14 counts of check fraud. I still think I could pull this crime off.

Kyle Shanahan says the 49ers had planned to sign Philip Rivers to play in the Super Bowl if they won the NFC Championship game. Let it go, guys.

CJ Stroud is a bust and should retire.

NBA: Tony Parker inducted into Basketball Hall of Fame this weekend with Dirk, Pau and D-Wade. TBD on when he’ll be inducted into the Scumbag Hall of Fame for cheating on Eva Longoria with his teammate’s wife.

CFB: Didn’t know it was possible, but Johnny Football doc reveals he’s even cooler than I previously thought. Our breakdown here.

MLB: Clayton Kershaw returns from injury with successful 5 inning start, just in time to absolutely fucking blow another playoff game in 2 months.

Javy Baez has the discipline of me at 2 am after a day drink that rolls into the night (not a lot.)

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

Drunkin’ Donuts? Company drops new spiked drinks and everyone in Boston is about to become an even bigger asshole.

FBI shoots and kills man who made online threats to President Biden during home raid. It’s not going to stop me from tweeting “Mommy” and “Goo-Goo-Gaga” to AOC 11x a day.

After NYC hotel bans him for trying to buy alcohol, wealthy teen goes scorched Earth, picketing outside and accusing them of anti-semitism. Respect.

Clifford the Big Red Tomato? This massive tomato is loose in the streets and fucking shit up. I would pop that thing and create a ketchup flood so fast.

THIS ONE SLAPPED

At this point, the Almost Friday TV guys have gotten too good at what they do. It’s starting to scare me.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• This Jags fan is the fan of the year and it’s not even close.

• Grief camp for kids is a surprisingly uplighting read.

• Why does this AI version of Trump singing Love Yourself go so hard?

• Fuck it. Allen Iverson high school football highlights.

• If you’ve ever had a creative side-hustle and a full time corporate job, this video will hit different.

• Fortnite made a Holocaust museum?

GOOD VIBES WEEKEND SEND OFF

I need to learn how to hack.