The Daily Friday: Friday 8/23

1. DNC wraps up with no surprise guest appearance from Beyonce or Taylor Swift, despite rumors. Maybe the real surprise guest was the friends we made along the way. Or The Rizzler cancelled last minute.

2. McDonald’s Instagram hacked by crypto scammers who claim they stole $700k. Who gives a fuck? If Use your powers to give everyone one million free points on the app like a real man.

3. Colorado football sought Saudi money for their NIL fund, according to ex-coach. Definitely worth it to finish 4-8 and get Deion Sportsman of the Year again 😤

4. RFK Jr. withdraws from Arizona, likely will endorse Trump in exchange for a cabinet position. Perfect. Aaron Rodgers could have a direct line to the White House and we can finally legalize ayahuasca.

5. Chick-Fil-A is launching a streaming service. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

CHICK-FIL-A AND CHILL

Finally. A fast casual chicken chain has entered the streaming wars.

On Wednesday, Chick-Fil-A announced that they will be working with multiple production companies to launching their own streaming platform and develop original shows. Why, you ask? The better question is: why not? Fool.

Look, as long as they don’t turn the service off on Sundays like their restaurants, I’m on board. I am in constant need of content to numb my mind so I can avoid the possibility of ever having a single thought.

 Here are our pitches for shows that will slap:

Open on Sundays: a dark, gritty look at what truly goes down when the restaurant closes on Sunday (tantric sex, mewing, Family Guy funniest moment marathons, etc.)

Are You Smarter than A Cow: A game show where you compete with sentient cows that somehow have the ability to write but can’t spell the fucking word chicken. 

The Ocky Way: a cooking show where this guy makes Chick-Fil-A sandwiches the Ocky Way. Will also have a lot overtly Christian overtones to please the sponsors. It’ll work, trust me.

Chick-Fil-Free: scripted drama following one man’s attempt to break free from the cult of Chick-Fil-A employees. Extremely gory. 

Eat More Chikin: a gritty, dystopian film about a world where people only eat beef. Chick-Fil-A opens as the world’s only place where you can eat chicken. Lots of violence and sex scenes. Loosely based on Game of Thrones.

Shoutout to Zach Watford for that last one, who dropped that gem on our Instagram.

Speaking of audience participation - the monthly mailbag is dropping next week. We had a TON of submissions and just sorting through it all. Still time to add your question if you wanna sneak on in there. Bless up.

NFL: Ok, on second thought, maybe Darell Douccette could beat out Pat Mahomes for the Team USA Flag QB spot. 

Eagles acquire Jahan Dotson from Commanders in trade. Finally, another dude for Jalen Hurts to over throw.

After seeing Brady dunk at age 47 in jeans while Manning hits his tee shot directly into the woods, I’m ready to finally call off their decades long rivalry. You win, Tom, ok? You happy yet?

CBB: Chicago-Loyala superfan Sister Jean turns 105 years old. Fun fact: the White Sox have won one playoff series since she was born.

MLB: Another newsletter, another Mets pimp-job walk off, this time from Jesse Winker who hits his first HR as a Met.

Aaron Judge hits his 48th homer and we could be on pace for another 60 HR season. Luckily Yankees fans aren’t insufferable at all, so it should be fine.

Joey Votto is officially retiring after this season, so let’s celebrate with his greatest video of all time.

ALMOST RIKI’D

Riki is our new favorite canned mixed drink, Soon, it’ll be yours too. 

Here’s two main reasons:

1. Riki Gets You Drunk: Each drink is 7% ABV, giving you way more bang for your buck. If you’re not a math guy, that’s equivalent to 1.5 shots per can, 2.5 shots per tall boy, and 1 bottle of alcohol per 12 pack. That’s 55% higher ABV than High Noon! Pretty damn good. 

2. Riki Tastes Delicious: Riki’s made with award-winning Breckenridge Distillery spirits (vodka and tequila) and is chock-full of all-natural fruit juice in every sip. Scrumptious. 

So, what are you waiting for?

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

Yesterday was Dua Lipa’s 29th b-day. She didn’t text me happy birthday, so I won’t be texting her either. Two can play at this game Ms. Lipa.

Kudos to the former Amazon VP who posted about how Bezos fucked his wife and it taught him to be a better leader. I’d be happy to seduce his wife again so he learns even more this time around.

Woman arrested after trying to run over her boyfriend on the way to a couple’s therapy session. Good thing they sorted that out beforehand.

Not sure what’s a more Florida move: this doctor who didn’t wear hearing aids during a colonoscopy and couldn’t hear his patient screaming or this man who impersonated a pizzeria to deliver disgusting, raw pies to customers.

PLAYDATE X HIVEMIND

A very merry welcome to the pod to the artists known as HiveMind TV (Riley Savage and Graydon Weaver.) The lads discuss Ty Pennington, pitch businesses ideas, drop sayings that don’t exist AND draft country songs.

All that in one episode? SHEESSHHHHH. Give it a watch now.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• Put this scene from Friday Night Lights on at the pregame tonight and get ready to run through a goddam wall. Let’s go to war.

• Read this on your lunch break: the Oral History of BoJack Horseman.

• Enjoyed this rant from Chris Cuomo on how both political parties are run by the ultra-wealthy. Slightly rich coming from a guy who’s worth $12 million, but still. Points were made.

• We need more empathy punishments like the one this judge gave a woman who threw a burrito at a Chipotle worker.

• Will always share a Connor O’Malley clip when it crosses my desk. Coreys changed my life I think.

• If you need a pick me up, give a listen to this inspirational speech that Jelly Roll gave to the Tennessee Titans (skip ahead to like 2 mins.)