🤝SWIFTIES TAKE OVER HOLLYWOOD🤝

Everything you need to know to sound smart today.

1. Pangea is so back. ACC adds Stanford, Cal and SMU and the Pacific Coast is officially part of the Atlantic Coast. It’s all one ocean, man.

2. Glitch McConnell freezes harder than you after your mom asks who ordered this 6 feet bong to the house. Bro was just daydreaming, I’m sure he’s fine.

3. A judge rules that Trump’s Fulton Country trial will be televised and live-streamed on YouTube. Us good folks in the meme community will be working overtime that day, but it’ll all be worth it.

4. Logan Paul and Dillon Danis beef heats up. Here’s how to explain it to your grandpa who immigrated to America with $11 in his pocket.

5. TAYLOR SWIFT

But first, a brief reminder to check out our new referral program. Share the newsletter with enough people and you could win a trip to Nashville.

SWIFTIES RULE THE WORLD

Well, she’s done it again. Taylor Swift has announced a movie version of her concert tour will be released on October 13th at AMC in North America and the world is simply not equipped to deal with it.

She’s got a film that could sell out this whole town. Let’s break down the stats.

• Tickets are priced at $19.89 in honor of her 4^th best album (Speak Now, Red, Folklore are 1-2-3.) This is also roughly 1% of the cost of a concert ticket.

• Despite AMC strengthening their ticket servers by 5x ahead of the drop to avoid the same issues Ticketmaster faced, everything still crashed. Swifties are the most powerful force the Internet has seen since Club Penguin.

• Ticket presales hit $26 million (!!!), shattering a record for AMC and Fandango in just 3 hours. It could hit a $100 million+ opening weekend, potentially bailing out a movie industry facing strikes extending into the winter. Is Taylor a scab?

• AMC has already added extra showtimes to meet demand, and the new Exorcist movie moved its release date one week earlier to avoid competition with the same release date. You deprived us of ExorSwift double feature memes, you little fucks.

POLITICIANS ARE SO FUCKING OLD

Very, very cool. I think Whitney Houston said it best when she belted “I believe that old people are the future.” A powerful message that lets us all know that our nation is in wrinkly, shaky but great hands. Warms my heart.

CFB: Florida is fucking trash and loses to Utah’s backup QBs by 2 TDs. Nebraska is officially a volleyball school, falls to Minnesota 13-10.

We made it boys. It’s going to be a beautiful weekend and we get to spend it indoors betting on a full slate of College Football. Enjoy it.

MLB: Acuna and Betts battled it out for the MVP last night, as Betts hits 2 HRs (dude hit .452 in August) and Acuna creates the 30-60 club hours after getting married. Goosebumps.

Bryce Harper hits his 300th HR, Reds sign Hunter Renfroe off the waiver wire and Brewers add Josh Donaldson to their Triple A squad. Fuck, that sentence made me feel old.

The Yankees keep finding humiliating ways to lose. Poverty franchise.

NFL: TJ Hockenson signs a 4 year, $65 mil deal making him the richest TE in history while Jonathan Taylor can barely afford to feed his family.

Eli Apple’s baby mama has kids with Geno Smith and Josh Jacobs (maybe?) She is also insane. Christmas must be crazy at her house.

US OPEN: Players continue to be little snitches about the weed smell at the Open, complaining that it smells like “Snoop Dogg’s living room.” Tell us you’re a little nerd who spent every second of your life practicing tennis without telling us.

John Isner, the American tennis player who is famous for being tall as fuck and serving fast, has retired from the sport after 17 years.

NBA: I wonder how Kyrie feels about this Cuban quote.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

Entrepreneur of the Year. This couple’s sex therapist makes $500k/year by sleeping with her clients to teach them how to bang right. Good for her.

50 Cent goes full Cardi B and throws mic at woman in audience, faces battery charge. Are we sure he was aiming at her? I’ve seen him throw before.

Turkish family that walks on all fours has scientists convinced ‘devolution’ has occurred. Anyone who has read PornHub comments knows that devolution is already well underway. Looking at you, thickcock69a$$pl@y.

Hey man, I didn’t know YOUR MOM moved to England. Man arrested for having sex with cow in Dorset.

Our Queen has returned to the skies. Tiffany Gomas is getting back on the horse and gracing the airplane community with her beauty and charisma once more.

THIS ONE SLAPPED

Healthy reminder that when you Irish Exit tonight, this is what you’re doing to your friends. This is the torture you are putting them through. If you’re comfortable living with that, fine. Just thought you should be aware.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• How social networking became social media.

• This guide to Fantasy Football drafting strategy will help you win your league this year.

• Ponytail girl at the end of this porta potty fight is an early contender for Ride or Die of the Year.

• Should I start banking my free throws?

• The Pentagon is releasing UFO photos and footage online. Here’s how you can find it.

• The Albanian town that Tik-Tok emptied.

RUSTY RANKS BARS

Just a master class in unbiased journalism here. Brilliant move ending the video with “see you guys in a little bit.” Perfect note to end on.