The Daily Friday: Friday 8/4

Everything you need to know to sound smart today.

1. After a disgusting brawl at the press conference for Nate Diaz and Nickelodeon star Jake Paul, I’ve decided to boycott the fight Saturday to catch up on a real sport…the Finnish Hobby Horse World Championship.

2. Trump pleads not guilty to January 6th charges and I plead insanity after realizing I’ve watched the video of the cop on the slide is the only thing in my brain anymore.

3. Football is BACK, as the Browns pull off a W against the Jets in the first preseason game. Preseason Week 1 next Thurs, get fired up.

4. Cardi Bailed Out. Singer will not be charged in mic throwing incident, hopefully has time to finally accept my LinkedIn request so we can start networking.

5. We need age limits for sexting. Rudy Giuliani’s criminal rizz is revealed in lawsuit from former assistant. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

RUDY RIZZLIANI

Oh, how the not-that-mighty have fallen. Former NYC mayor and host of Four Seasons Total Landscaping press conference Rudy Giuliani is in hot water, as a sexual harassment lawsuit by former assistant Noelle Dunphy has heated up. Yesterday, audio transcripts were released that truly rocked me to my core.

To say that Rudy’s rizz is criminal would be an understatement. Let’s break down the most unhinged quotes.

“Come here, big tits. Your tits belong to me. Give them to me (indiscernible) I want to claim my tits. These are my tits.”

The man just gets women. “I want to claim my tits” will end up on a t-shirt in the next 3-4 business days, mark my words.

“The way natural selection works. Jewish men have small cocks because they can’t use them after they get married. Whereas the Italian men use them all their lives so they get bigger.”

Clearly has a very strong grasp of science and evolution. I’ve often wondered i my downstairs looks like a Ken Doll because I never get laid or if I never get laid because my downstairs looks like a Ken Doll. Now I know it’s just science.

“Matt Damon is a f*g. Matt Damon is also 5’2. Eyes are blue. Coochie-coochie-coochie-coo.”

Quick clarification that Damon is 5’10 and has been married to a woman for 18 years. Regardless, ‘coochie-coochie-cco’ is immediately entering my lexicon moving forward.

“Jew. Man oh man. Get over the Passover. It was like 3,000 years ago. Okay, the Red Sea parted. Big deal. Not the first time that happened.”

Laugh out loud funny. Genuinely curious what he means by “not the first time that happened.” Did I miss something?

I AM GOING TO GET HACKED SO QUICKLY

Luckily, I just changed my password to ComeHereBigT1T5! to honor the Rudy the Rizz God. Enjoy the next 5 billion years, Mr. Brute Force Hacker.

MEDIA: The man who wrote “Real Gs move in silence like Lasagna” will be screaming at Skip Bayless once a week on Undisputed.

MLB: Turns out that Anthony Rizzo doesn’t actually suck ass, he’s just had a concussion for the last few weeks. That’s comforting.

Ohtani jacks his 40th HR of the year after leaving the mound with cramps early. Definition built different.

NBA: Rudy Goebert has lost his virginity.

FOOTBALL: The Detroit Lions have sold out season tickets for the first time in team HISTORY. Jared Goff stays winning, doesn’t he?

Arizona in final stages of joining the Big 12, and I’ve officially given up on trying to keep track of realignment. Wake me up when there’s one super division.

I very much want to watch this Bishop Sycamore documentary on HBO.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

They found the Lake Tahoe Foot Fondler but the Foot Suckler is still at large (me.) If anyone asks, you haven’t seen me in weeks.

The dude that bailed out his wife who hired a hitman to murder him is almost as whipped as my boy Kyle who hasn’t come to a single dollar beer night since his son was born 19 days ago.

Lizzo denies claims from backup dancers around toxic workplace, hires Hollywood lawyer known for repping the most innocent people in the industry.

Nepotism win. Somalia has to issue public statement after the niece of the country’s Head of Athletics gets in a nice jog during an international competition.

SUMMER ANTHEM

Throw this bad boy from DJ Press Play x Molly Moore up on the TV while you pregame tonight and just run that shit on loop. The only way to start your weekend.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• Scientists have discovered a new species of massive whales. LFG.

• What do we owe our friends is a great examination into modern friendship.

• Glue Guy Sports has been killing it with their power rankings this summer.

• How to Be Self Sufficient will make you think.

• Fuck it. Aquille Carr high school highlights.

GOOD VIBES WEEKEND SEND OFF

hug.your.bros

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Strider is single-handedly keeping relationships alive with his advice. DM him if you need any help with the ladies, life, or anything in between.