The Daily Friday: Friday 8/9

1. USA hoops storms back against Serbia in semis and KD immediately hopped on Twitter to talk shit to fans. That’s my GOAT. Personally, I thought it was beautiful that Steph and Lebron did this.

2. Hurricane Debby blows $1M of cocaine onto Florida beach. Nothing reminds me of spring break like a Debby blowing something that’s not me on a Florida beach with tons of coke involved (you broke my heart Deb.)

3. Drake releases 100GB hard drive of unreleased songs, photos and videos. I’m honestly scared to look at it in case there’s another video of his massive hog. I can’t handle seeing that again.

4. Kanye’s allegedly has been addicted to laughing gas for 2 years, thanks to his cartel-connected dentist who is also stealing millions from him. That would honestly explain a lot. PS - his dentist is jacked.

5. A chess player poisoned their opponent with mercury. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

But first, a quick reminder that it’s Friday, which means one thing: it’s the perfect time to get your hands on a Summer Suckdown Bass tee.

Back to the news.

ALL’S FAIR IN LOVE AND CHESS

What the hell is going on in the chess world?

Just months after the chess world was rocked by another anal beads scandal, Amina Abakarova, a Russian chess champion got busted poisoning her opponent with mercury. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN. 

• Before the tournament started, Abakarova broke into the room, looked around the see if the coast was clear and then poured mercury all over one specific chessboard and pieces. Kinda love this move. Why bother beating your opponent on the field (board?) when you can poison them before the match starts? Watch the video: it’s like a bad spy movie.

• The target was her fierce rival Umayganat Osmanova, who ended up getting sick during her first match before she alerted the organizers, who found the mercury and called the police. Osmanova continued to play through the sickness and won her match, which is absolute hero ball.

• Abakarova confessed to authorities that she broke a thermometer and then spread the mercury across the board, which is exactly how I’d go about it. Much simpler than feeding her hundreds of pieces of salmon sashimi. Abakarova also claimed her rival started the feud by insulting her family. Poisoning seems like a measured, even response to that.

For those keeping score, this is now the third major scandal in the past 2 years:

1. Who can forget the 2022 accusations against the 19 year old Hans Neimann, who beat a grandmaster in chess while using wireless vibrating anal beads to communicate moves from a computer? Def the easiest way to go about that.

2. Then in December, a Chinese chess champion was stripped of his title for defecating in a hotel bathtub after getting shit-faced with his boys to celebrate his win. How else are you supposed to celebrate a Chinese chess championship? Genuinely confused.

It appears that we’re in period of time for chess that strongly resembles the Steroid Era of baseball. Fierce competitors doing whatever it takes for glory and however much money you make from being good at chess. Absolutely worth it.

OLYMPICS: Noah Lyles wins bronze in 200M dash, reveals afterwards that he had COVID during the race. Really could’ve fooled me.

The moment we’ve been waiting for is here: Olympic breakdancing starts today. Gonna have Stomp the Yard on repeat today to get the mind right.

MLB: This had to be the most casual walk-off of all time. Congrats, I guess?

The fact that Aroldis Chapman can still paint the black at 105 mph at the age of 36 is simply absurd. How has he never thrown his arm out?

NFL: Jerry Jones says he has ‘no urgency’ to get CeeDee Lamb deal done. Bold strategy, let’s see how that one plays out.

Joe Milton fever is sweeping New England, our first sign that it’s officially football season. Nothing says preseason quite like getting way too excited about a player after 3 drives in August.

ALMOST RIKI’D

Riki is our new favorite canned mixed drink, Soon, it’ll be yours too. 

Here’s why. 

1. Riki Gets You Drunk: Each drink is 7% ABV, giving you way more bang for your buck. If you’re not a math guy, that’s equivalent to 1.5 shots per can, 2.5 shots per tall boy, and 1 bottle of alcohol per 12 pack. That’s 55% higher ABV than High Noon! Pretty damn good. 

2. Riki Tastes Delicious: Riki’s made with award-winning Breckenridge Distillery spirits (vodka and tequila) and is chock-full of all-natural fruit juice in every sip. Scrumptious. 

3. Riki Has Insane Giveaways: we’re partnering with Riki to send 4 lucky winners to Vegas on Labor Day Weekend (here’s how to enter) plus way more fun shit down the road. Stay tuned. 

So, what are you waiting for?

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

Man granted divorce after wife demands to be paid to have sex with him, as he was ‘too fat and incompetent’ to please her. That man was me. Sucks I had to find out like this.

Huge news for anyone who wants to smell like a mall food court: Auntie Anne’s just dropped a pretzel-flavored fragrance. This would work on me.

Nelly arrested at casino for possession of ecstasy and not having insurance. Everyone know you can do molly or forget to sign up for Geico, but you can’t do both. Day 1 stuff.

Kodak Black continues to inspire, tells youth football team ‘say no to drugs, they too good and you’ll like ‘em too much.’ Couldn’t have said it better myself.

NATE THOMPSON JOINS EMPTY NETTERS

While we're all waiting for the new NHL season to start this October, don't forget to tune in to the best hockey podcast hosted by our favorite brothers, Dan and Chris Powers: Empty Netters. This week, the podcast welcomed former NHL Player and returning guest, Nate Thompson.

Tune in to find out which players the gang thinks will have the best year of their career. Can Cole Caufield really finish with 90 points? Can Quinton Byfield score 40 goals? Plus, predictions about which teams might shock the league by missing the playoffs.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• Thoroughly enjoyed this ranking of Olympic sports by how miserable they would be for an average person to do. Water polo would kill me.

• Our esteemed CEO hopped on on the Brewbound podcast to talk about how our beer is dominating the East Coast. Give it a listen 🙏🏻

• Read this on your lunch break: Ukraine’s death defying art thieves.

• RIP to Jack Karlson, the man in this iconic 1991 arrest video, who died this week. May you enjoy a succulent Chinese meal in heaven.

• The trailer for ‘Saturday,’ the new movie about the making of SNL, actually looks kind of sick.

• Fuck it, the OG Whitest Kids You Know viral sketch. Just cuz it’s Friday.