The Daily Friday: Friday 9/29

Everything you need to know to sound smart today.

1. Thank god the Ryder Cup is impossible to watch this year: US just got swept in the opening foursome. Don’t make me come over there, boys. You know I will.

2. RIP to Senator Diane Feinstein (90) and actor Michael Gambon (82)…they were just kids. Fuck it - Dumbledore highlights.

3. Chris Christie had the zinger of the year in the Republican debate. The jerk store called and they’re running out of you!!!

4. Dame Lillard traded to Milwaukee, finally gets to escape all the white people in cardigans in Portland. Happy for him.

5. The government might be shutting down. HERE’S WHAT THAT MEANS.

TOP STORY

Nobody wants to work anymore. Hot Strike Summer continues into fall, as the government nears a shutdown this weekend.

Here’s what you need to know.

 When Would This Go Down? The exact moment when your Uber Eats driver decides to give up after calling you 11 times and leaves your Taco Bell on the doorstep because you passed out on the couch with a Zyn in your mouth: precisely 12:01 am ET Sunday.

 Why Is This Going Down? Beef about spending of my hard earned tax dollars (my 22% is keeping this entire country afloat.) Some Republicans (the intense ones in the House Freedom Caucus) don’t want to spend anything until we figure it out. Some want to increase border security and stop funding Ukraine. Others need money to buy new clothes for the dress code.

How Likely Is This To Go Down? $300 mil to Zelensky was approved after months of negotiating. Don’t spend it all in one place bud. There’s another spending bill today from McCarthy, but TBD if that gets approved.

What Happens if This Goes Down?: National parks and museums will close and 4 million federal employees won’t get paid, which means that Fat Bear Week on Twitter will be cancelled. EVERYONE START WRITING LETTERS NOW.

The government has shut down 20+ times, including 2018 when it lasted 34 days until Drew Barrymore crossed the picket line. Or something like that. Can’t keep all this stuff straight.

WORST RATED MALE MOVIE STARS

Absolute crime that Kevin James is on this list. Putting aside the legendary run on King of Queens (top 3 normal husband/hot wife sitcoms IMO) he’s put out some banger movies.

Hitch is a must watch when it’s on TBS, I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry solved homophobia, and Paul Blart: Mall Cop transcended cinema. We need to shut down IMDB until we figure out what the hell is going on.

MLB: Bryce Harper was NOT happy with Angel Hernandez. This fired me the hell up for playoff season. Can’t wait.

Orioles win 100th game, clinch AL East and 30 more years at Camden. Braves sweep Cubs, lock in home field advantage for playoffs. Curt Schilling is a dick.

Chad McCormick had this coming. THIS LEAGUE.

NFL: The Lions offense looked unstoppable last night, as they rolled over the Packers 34-20. Jared Goff is a top 5 QB right now and you can’t tell me otherwise.

Zach Wilson revenge tour incoming. Watch out league.

Colin Cowherd says that there’s rumors coming out of New England about Mac Jones that are ‘not good.’ Dude is the new Grayson Allen. Stay away from people’s nutsacks!!!!

CFB: Travis Hunter hangs out with Colorado State’s Blackburn, the dude who got death threats for late hitting Hunter and knocked him out for 3 games. Cool move.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

White House dog Commander is on an all-time run and has bitten his 11th Secret Service guard this year. He’s putting up Wilt in 1961-62 stats.

A married British pilot ripped lines of blow off a woman’s chest before flying and told her “I’m a naughty little boy.” He should be promoted, not fired.

Sorry guys - I showed my high school football highlight tape to a bunch of ladies last night and now NYC is flooding like crazy. My bad.

The Golden Bachelor aired last night and it’s must watch TV. I don’t have a joke here because this is a legitimately sweet show. Get ready to cry.

DR. LOCKS’ LOCKS

The board is looking mighty tasty this weekend. Our resident sharp Dr. Locks has the picks you need to make bank this weekend.

SEASON RECORD: 4-4-1

Duke +5.5: Everyone and their mother is gonna be on the bounce back for ND.. but it’s 2023 and Duke football is here. (College Gameday in Durham? Never thought I’d see the day.)

Ole Miss +2.5: Home dawgs bark loud.. love Ole Miss here coming off their trip to Tuscaloosa and I will fade Brian Kelly in a big game any chance I get.

U 45.5 Georgia/Auburn: Simple here: Auburns defense will show up at home vs Georgia…and Auburn won’t be able to score. Basic math right there.

Live bet the action all weekend with BetMGM. Bet 10, get $200 with code BEERS200. Let’s ride.

WILL AND RUSTY’S PLAYDATE

@playdatepod

sayings that don’t exist

“Don’t break a sweat on the escalator” just changed my life. Bars up and down this entire clip. The latest pod from the lads is their best on yet, make sure you give it a listen.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• What is Boy Math? This article breaks it down.

• Kim Kardashian might actually be a good actor? Her clips from American Horror Story go pretty goddamn hard.

• Genuinely impressed by this Mehran’s Steakhouse prank. Worth the watch.

• Here’s a thought - what if the robots were actually super nice when they took over?

• The Race to Catch the Last Nazis.