The Daily Friday: Friday 9/8

Everything you need to know to sound smart today.

1. Jimmy Fallon is apparently a massive dick to his Tonight Show staff. Honestly, I think he’s just hungover all the time. Dude is a boozehound.

2. Olivia Rodrigo’s new album GUTS released today and it’s a banger. 10/10, no skips. Belt Vampire in the shower with pride this weekend.

3. Kadarius Toney is public enemy #1 in KC, dropping 2 passes and deflecting another into an easy pick 6 as Lions pull out the 21-20 W. God we are so back.

4. ‘That 70’s Show’ actor Danny Masterson sentenced to 30 years in prison for raping 2 fellow Scientologists. Bad guy!

5. A dude has been stuck in a Turkish cave for almost a week, sparking one of the largest rescue missions in the world. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.  

DUDE STUCK IN CAVE

Healthy reminder to not fuck with caves or the outdoors in general. A 40 year old American named Mark Dickey is extremely ill and trapped 3,500 feet underground in a Turkish cave, sparking a massive rescue mission.

Here’s what you need to know.

• Dickey is a vet spelunker (love this word) who was leading an expedition in Turkey’s third-deepest cave to map a new passage. No offense, but if you’re gonna get trapped at least have it happen in the deepest or 2^nd deepest. Just saying.

• On Saturday, he began vomiting, fell in and out of consciousness and found blood in his stool (doctor word for shit.) I experience these symptoms every Sunday morning so I don’t really see the big deal, but I’ll hear him out.

• Emergency responders eventually reached him Thursday and he can now walk and eat food after they gave him 6 units of blood. What is a unit of blood? That’s not how measurement works.

• He’s still trapped in the cave and the Turkish military has had to call in help from several different countries to rescue him, calling it ‘the largest cave rescue in the world.’ I’d be so embarrassed if this happened to me. Hate when people make a fuss.

The operation could take as long as a week, so hopefully Elon Musk will have time to chime in and call the rescuers pedophiles.

UNCRUSTABLE IS UNFUCKWITHABLE

They should be pulling in $700 billion. Uncrustables is hands down my snack of choice when I’m high and it’s not even close.

Someone once told me they toasted their Uncrustables and I almost threw up in my mouth. Yuck. Eat them cold, as God intended.

NFL: Global Viagra Shortage Incoming. Belichick breaks up with his longtime girlfriend, is now single and ready to pork.

Joe Burrow signs richest contract in NFL history at $275 million. Maybe he can finally afford an engagement ring now.

Very cool! Cowboys have released a life-like AI hologram of Jerry Jones at AT&T stadium so fans can ask him questions about his life. Who asked for this?

Anyone got a good tattoo removal guy? Send him to Nick Wright.

MLB: The return of the alien. Ohtani takes swings, nearing return to Angels lineup. Honestly, their season’s over - why bother?

Love is beautiful. A wedding happened in the outfield bleachers at Wrigley, which is just savvy budgeting. Always good to save on venue costs when you can.

Ballboy of the Year tosses live baseball into the stands. Fucking love this move.

US OPEN: Play halted in women’s semis as protestors glued themselves to the ground and shouted climate change stuff. God, it’s gotta feel great standing there while someone scrapes your little piggy toes off the concrete.

@circles.dating

Climate activist glued his feet to the floor at US Open after interrupting the match. #usopen #nyc #protest #tennis #glue

Coco Gauff will face Aryna Sabalenka in the final on Saturday while Blake Shelton looks to slay the Novax Djokovic dragon in the semis at 3 EST. Two Americans in the US Open final? Could be the move.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

America’s fall from grace has begun. Florida man arrested for trying to cross ocean in a hamster wheel and being the man is now illegal

Can’t decide if it’s weird that Drake keeps all of the bras thrown on stage at shows and organizes them by size or just a beautiful display of appreciation for the female form. Leaning weird.

Country music star Zach Bryan arrested for obstructing an investigation. What was the investigation? How a man could possibly look this frickin’ sexy?

The Rotten Tomatoes critic rating is fake as fuck. Company caught working with movie PR firm to give higher critic ratings to certain films. Always trust the audience score.

DR. LOCKS’ LOCKS

Introducing a new weekly segment from our resident betting sharp, Dr. Lock’s MD, who’ll be blessing the boys with 3 college football plays every Friday.

Let’s make you some money.

COLORADO -3

Is it a trap or is it free? Spread originally opened up with Colorado as +1.5 underdogs to a Nebraska team who lost on a field goal to Minnesota last week. Word on the street is Nebraska is sharp, but I physically can’t sit back on my couch and fade Colorado after what I saw in TCU. Riding with Deion 🤝

UTAH -8

Riding the hot hand with Utah because there is no reason not to. Baylor is in shambles after losing as a -26.5 favorite to Texas State Week 1 and will be without their starting QB this week as Utah looks to get theirs back (Cam Rising). Also loving the Utah defense.. show me the Utes.

TEXAS +7

Gotta have a piece of action in the main event. Game scares me being in Tuscaloosa, but Bama doesn’t have the absolute fire power they’ve had in the recent past. Bama was in the deep end last year in Texas until Quinn Ewers got injured and the Longhorn defense was buzzin’. Ewers returns while Bryce Young has left town…all signs point to Texas having boots shaking in Bama.

Pro-Tip: Sign up for BetMGM and use code BEERS for a $1,000 risk free first bet. Thank me late.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• Bill Belichick talking for 10 minutes about long snappers is honestly captivating.

• Watch Wayne Gretzky torch Pele, Bjorn Borg and Sugar Ray Leonard in a foot race and tell me he’s not a top 5 athlete of all time. GOAT him.

• Can we talk to whales? I sure as hell hope so.

• The Decomposition of Rotten Tomatoes. Justice for Fast and the Furious.

• Love this move by Jared Weaver. 

RUSTY INVENTS MIMOSAS

Enough bubbles to kill a small horse. Beautifully said as always, Mr. Featherstone. I personally plan to suck down several dozen of these grapefruit mimosas at brunch tomorrow and I hope you’ll all join me.

Bottomless Brunch Liquids Menu:

1. Water (for hydration / hangover prevention)

2. Coffee (for awake)

3. Orange Juice (for tasty)

4. Grapefruit Mimosa (for drunk)

5. Chocolate Milk (for dessert)

Commence Weekend. Let’s have one.