The Daily Friday: Friday 9/15

Everything you need to know to sound smart today.

1. Eagles pull out the W against Minnesota last night, but AJ Brown is fucking pissed. Trouble in paradise already?

2. Need a gift for your mortal enemy? Lena Dunham will come paint a mural in your home, along with other celeb service offerings.

3. Enjoying the theater is illegal. Lauren Boebert kicked out of Beetlejuice musical for singing and vaping. It’s Beetlejuice, what the hell do you expect?

4. Nobody wants to work anymore (myself included.) Automakers are set to strike in the US and I fucking get it. Work sucks.

5. Hunter Biden indicted on gun charges. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

HUNTER BIDEN INDICTED

He just keeps getting cooler.

Yesterday, the man who turned a president into “Hunter Biden’s dad” was hit with 3 gun charges and a federal indictment.

Here’s what you need to know.

• The indictment centers around him claiming on a 2018 gun purchase form that he was not using drugs, when he was actually addicted to crack cocaine. This is like telling your doctor you only have 2 drinks a week when you actually have 200.  I get it.

• Charges were originally dropped in a June plea deal, provided that he stayed clean for 2 years however the plea deal was ultimately rejected because 2 years is way too long to not do crack for being too lenient.

• He’s the first child of a sitting president to be indicted, which surprises me. If I was the president’s son, I’d be doing wild shit all the time. Barron missed a big opportunity.  

• This is just part of the issues he’s faced, including his business dealings with Russia, dating his brother’s widow, illegitimate children with a woman he married 6 days after meeting her and pictures on his laptop of him smoking crack, partying, and having his dong out being released. He has truly lived a full life.   

He’s the realest dude in DC and you can’t tell me otherwise. They’re all doing blow and have Adderall addictions anyways. Who cares?

The full timeline of his legal troubles is a doozy of a read.

MEME STOCK MOVIE DROPS

The Seth Rogen movie “Dumb Money” about the meme stock craze (trailer here) it out today, which feels weird to me. The timing is all off. It’s not current enough to feel relevant but too soon to feel historical.

They should’ve released this movie in 2028 and we could all be like ‘ohhh yeah remember GameStop?’

NFL: Lotttt of touchback rule discourse after the Justin Jefferson fumble. Rule stinks, but I’m not smart enough to think of another solution.

Jason Kelce paid $50k for his family to watch him lose the Super Bowl. MORON (I will never have $50k in my life)

The NFL just brought a Key & Peele sketch to life, literally told Aman Ra St. Brown ‘one more pump and we’ll throw the flag.’

MLB: Ronald Acuna Jr. closes in on 40-70 (currently 37- 65.) Let the man celebrate.

Max Scherzer done for rest of regular season, unlikely to return for playoffs. Maybe the only Mets W of the season.

Red Sox fire Chief Baseball Officer Charlie Bloom after 4 seasons of mediocrity. Chief Baseball Officer sounds fake as fuck, but what do I know?

This move definitely would’ve worked on me.

OTHER: Dartmouth basketball team files petition to unionize. Didn’t know you could do this, but I trust the nerds.

Cade McNamara is constantly thinking about men cumming. Same brother.

New NBA rule prevents teams from resting 2 ‘star’ players in same game, defined as someone who made All-Star or All-NBA teams in the past 3 seasons. This could end the Clippers franchise forever.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

Hero Jonathan Majors breaks up definitely not staged fight between teens, coincidentally replaces search results for “Jonathan Majors beats up girl.” Masterful PR.

I hope she likes sizzling fajitas. Emily Ratajkowski says she’d date “anyone who’ll take her to dinner,” and she better be ready to fall in love in a Chili’s booth tonight.

Refer 50 people to our newsletter and you too can win her heart at America’s #1 casual dining chain.

Tik-Tok trend has girls confused by how often their boyfriends think about the Roman Empire, a good distraction from what we’re really thinking about: how easy it would be to beat the shit out of the aliens we found in Mexico.

Police continue to lie to us, refuse to address very real threat of Manhunt Murderer teaming up with another small man, Little Rascal Style.

DR. LOCKS’ LOCKS

Our resident betting sharp, Dr. Lock’s MD is blessing the boys with 3 college football plays every Friday. Let’s make you some money.

Season Record: 2-1

Western Michigan / Iowa: UNDER 42.5

Western Michigan isn’t gonna score and Iowa will put up 4 touchdowns AT MOST. I’m predicting a 31-7 game. Over doesn’t have a shot.

LSU -9.5

The Tigers first SEC game comes against a shaky Mississippi State team. LSU already dropped a massive game to FSU in the opener and will looking to make a statement against MSST. Hammer.

Colorado -23

Colorado State made it personal. Bad move.

Pro-Tip: Sign up for BetMGM and use code BEERS for a $1,000 risk free first bet. Thank me later.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• The Man Who Organizes Drake’s Bras.

• Bill Maher brings back his show in midst of WGA strike. Enjoy this thread of him getting owned by his guests.

• This Apple video is peak corporate cringe. Can’t look away.

• I salute this fantasy football legend.

• New JFK assassination revelation for my conspiracy heads.

• Desperately want to join this underground NYC sumo club.

RUSTY RANKS BARS

Folks, we have a 9.4 rating on our hands. The good people of Boulder, CO are truly blessed to live in the same zip code as Sundown Saloon. A utopia in the truest sense.

15