The Daily Friday: Monday 10/30

It’s another week in paradise. Here’s what you need to sound smart today.

1. Today is 2023’s only Sports Equinox, with games on in NFL, MLB, NBA and NHL. Can’t wait to lose my bets on every one of them.

2.  Pharmaggedon hits this week, as pharmacy staffs are planning strike at Walgreens, other chains. STOCK UP ON YOUR ADDERAL.

3. RIP to Friends actor Matthew Perry, who tragically died at 54 years old. Shoutout Almost Heroes, his 1998 movie with Chris Farley - very underrated.

4. Israel deepens military assault into Gaza Strip, as death count exceeds 1,400 and 236 hostages remained with Hamas.

5. Biden issues executive order to deal with AI safety. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

BIDEN ISSUES AI EXECUTIVE ORDER

Good news for anyone who is still pretending to be an AI NPC on Tik-Tok Live: your competition just got a lot weaker.

President Biden will sign a sweeping executive order today that will guide the development of AI, including safety requirements, additional funding for key research, and new consumer protections.

LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

• Biden has reportedly been obsessed over the AI issue for months, after seeing fake images of himself and his dog (I NEED to see these images) and watching the latest Mission Impossible film, where the villain was a rogue AI known as ‘The Entity.’ Love where his head is at but but this is kinda like freaking out about cancer research after seeing I Am Legend: it’s a fictional film buddy.

• The biggest priority on the bill will be labeling and watermarking anything produced by AI, which is going to make it so hard to convince people you would have been hot in 90s yearbook photos. Damn shame.

• The order will also focus on enhancing the benefits of AI, including expanding grants for research into issues like climate change and keeping highly skilled immigrants in the US. I hope this will apply to my girlfriend, who I love dearly.  

A full breakdown of the bill is here. 

MOST POPULAR HALLOWEEN COSTUMES OF 2023

In my experience this weekend, the adult version of this would have Travis Kelce-Taylor Swift, Carmy from the Bear, and for some reason this Step Brothers outfit a million times. Those were my findings from the field, but I was pretty fricking sauced the entire weekend, so take it with a grain of salt.

NFL: Bears undrafted QB Tyson Bagent may have come back down to Earth last night, but his dad is still a goddam legend. Arm Wrestling > > NFL.

Will Leavis loves mayo and throwing TDs, the Jets own New York after beating the Giants 3rd string QB, Kirk Cousins tears his Achilles (wtf is up with the Achilles injuries this year?) and the Bengals are all the way back.

I would follow AJ Brown anywhere, including a Flat Earther convention.

NBA: Flava Flav is the songbird of our generation. PIPES.

The Dillon Brooks humiliation tour continues. Good riddance.

MLB: Friday’s Game 1 was insanely dramatic, as Garcia hits walk off HR after Seager’s 2 run HR in the 9th sent the game to extras. Loved the fan reactions.

Rangers tie series up with 9-1 win as Tommy Pham goes 4-4 and wins teammate of the year. Game 3 tonight: historically, the winner will go on to take WS crown 69% of the time. Nice. (cuz of the sex move.)

CFB: Colorado officially stinks, but there’s no way Shilo Sanders should have been ejected for this hit.

#6 Oklahoma stunned by Kansas, USC pulls out 50-49 win against Cal, and Washington escapes against Stanford. Michigan is still dirty rotten cheaters.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

Gavin Newsom heroically draws blocking foul against undisciplined Chinese boy in high-stake basketball game, sets new standard for American excellence.

Indian man set himself on fire after daughters took too long to bring him tea, the same move I pulled Saturday when the waitress was slow refilling my mimosa at bottomless brunch.

Kim Kardashian releases new Skims ‘Nipple Bra’ that exposes nips through shirt. I will be releasing ‘Sack Shorts' in response (shorts with a nice hole for your sack to hang out of and get a fresh breeze and/or suntan.)

MONDAY MOVE

A bold but daring move here. I definitely need to practice this before debuting in a social setting, but this could be the future of clapping. Stay tuned.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• Biggg Nate Bargatze guy. Loved his monologue Saturday on SNL.

• Strollers from 100 years ago are insane. Laughed out loud.

• This might be the best commercial I’ve ever seen. Butt Drugs is THE spot.

• Was Fresh Prince of Bel-Air based on Will Smith’s real life?

• The evolutionary reason we are drawn to Haunted Houses.

• Very jealous I wasn’t at the Bada Boo Halloween Party at the original Sopranos house.