The Daily Friday: Monday 10/9

It’s another week in paradise. Here’s what you need to sound smart today.

1. Israel declares war on Hamas after a tragic weekend saw over 1100 deaths. It’s a confusing time online for Jamie Lee Curtis, but one thing is for certain: shit is about to get very real.

2. Ice is Ready. The NHL season starts tomorrow and The Empty Netters got everything you need to be ready. We are so fucking back.

3. Drake is taking a break from music for a year because his wittle tum-tum huwts weawwy bad and Joe Budden was mean to him.

4. The Cowboys are ass, the Lions are not, and Taylor Swift’s boyfriend almost died. Please, Swifties - use your powers to get us grass fields. Think of the fantasy owners.

5. The FTX trial hits week 2, as SBF’s ex girlfriend is set to testify today. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

FTX TRIAL HITS SECOND WEEK

Life Lesson: don’t fuck your co-conspirators. Literally and figuratively.

The second week of one of the largest financial fraud cases in US history kicks off this week, as former FTX CEO Sam Bankman-Fried’s ex girlfriend Caroline Ellison is set to testify in court.

Here’s What You Need to Know.

What Happened With FTX Again? In November 2022, a CoinDesk report led to a massive run on the FTX crypto exchange, pushing crypto to a 2 year low and  leaving the company (and their customers) in an $8 billion hole. That’s a LOT of coffees to make at home to catch up with.

Celebrities like Tom Brady, Steph Curry, and Kevin O’Leary faced criticism for endorsing FTX (Brady got a massive bag though) and people around the country were out a shitload of money.

Sam Bankman Fried (SBF) was the CEO of FTX and the associated trading firm Alameda Research, where his ex girlfriend Caroline Ellison worked.

What’s SBF On Trial For?  He’s accused of organize a scheme to defraud billions of dollars in customer money. If convicted he would face 100 years in prison, which is plenty of time to get jacked as fuck at the prison yard.

He’s pleading not guilty, basically saying the fraud was either accidental because he sucked at his job or was his ex-girlfriend’s fault. These are my two go-to excuses for everything, so I kind of get it.

What Happened Last Week? Moneyball author Michael Lewis published his book about FTX that was surprisingly supportive of SBF, and included the revelation that he tried to offer Trump $5 billion not to run for President.

Two of SBF’s MIT buddies who were also involved with FTX testified against him. Damn, it really be your own huh? Social Network vibes here.

What’s Happening This Week: Ellison will be testifying after pleading guilty to her own charges. Expect it to be a little messy, since SBF has already leaked her private documents to the press (leading to his bail being pulled and him going to jail pre-trial) and also cuz they were banging.

WHAT DAY IS IT TODAY?

I don’t care what you call today, it’s confusing as hell.

Next year, can we just agree that this is a paid holiday for everyone? I can’t stand seeing anyone experience joy (posting IG story about how they’re enjoying their day off) while I experience immense pain and sadness (forced to work the job that pays my rent.) Thanks government, it means a lot.

NFL: The NFL experiment in London is an absolute success. We need more fans like this in America.

Jets defend Hackett’s honor, Ja’Marr Chase is always open, and Jonathon Taylor finally signs with Colts, killing orca whale in process.

Tons of respect to this fan. Fuck Tyrek Hill’s mom, you deserve that ball.

CFB: This Miami loss is just embarrassing. At least we got an all time meme reaction GIF out of it.

Not sure what got hit harder: this camera operator’s nutsack or the BC player who ran into an absolute brick wall of a referee.

Oklahoma flies up rankings to #5 after knocking off Texas with last minute TD. USC escapes against Arizona in triple OT. Louisville stuns unbeaten Notre Dame and Jack Harlow stormed the field.

One of the craziest picks I’ve ever seen. Good golly.

MLB: Let’s not forget the important message this Baltimore Orioles streaker was trying to spread: Virginity Rocks. Yes it does, brother. Yes it does.

Much respect to the Dodgers’ David Peralta for celebrating after hitting a huge double while the Dodgers were still down 9. If you can’t celebrate the little things, what can you celebrate?

Matthew Stafford’s high school teammate SUCKS. 162 Postseason ERA is comical. Figure it out.

Braves get shut out at home for first time all season, fall to Phillies after controversial catcher’s interference call. Don’t see it at all.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

Fuck yes. Kraft is bringing back the SpongeBob Squarepants mac and cheese shape after 10 years. Maybe life is worth living after all.

Jason DeRulo told a singer to ‘partake in sex rituals and sacrifice a goat’ if she wanted to succeed in music. Sucks for people like me who’ve been doing that for years and are still a massive failure in music. Not sure what else to do.

Several Amish men were shunned after their forbidden cellphones were exposed during last week’s national text alert. Let these dudes play Immaculate Grid in peace. It’s what God would have wanted.

Long Island bus driver caught drinking on the job says she ‘didn’t realize White Claws were alcoholic.’ I’m absolutely using this today when my boss gives me shit for having 4 IPAs at lunch. Dude is such a micromanager.

MONDAY MOVE

Love this. Viewing a boring job as a high stakes football game is kind of the only coping mechanism that exists (besides desk Zyns and wire fraud.)

After Thanksgiving, I like to remind everyone that we’re at the 2 minute warning and we only have 1 timeout left. It’s time to buckle down and make something happen. For the shareholders. Really rallies the troops.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• Al Michaels is the hero we need in these dark times. Fuck vegetables.

• Huge if true. Reddit user claims they intentionally infected Paris with bed bugs.

• Humans have been in North America for longer than we thought.

• Iran helped plan attack on Israel for weeks. This is gonna get ugly.

• Stop trying to optimize your life (I never started.)