The Daily Friday: Monday 11/27

It’s another week in paradise. Here’s what you need to sound smart today.

1. Frank Reich fired by Carolina Panthers after 11 games. That’s a full 10 months longer than Sam Altman lasted at Microsoft. Kudos.

2. Derek Chauvin, convicted George Floyd killer, stabbed in prison Friday. Coulda seen that one coming.

3. Big Sandwich strikes again, as Subway is sold to private equity firm that owns Jimmy Johns, Arby’s, and McAlister’s Deli. Jersey Mike’s, you are our last hope against sandwich monopoly. Save us.

4. George Santos faces expulsion vote this week, vows to expose Congress members for having affairs, voting hungover if he loses. That’s my king. If you go down, so does everyone else.

5. A 3-YEAR cruise was cancelled. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

But first, it’s the Monday after Thanksgiving which means it’s the perfect day to do two things.

1. Check out completely at your job until after the holidays.

2. Hammer the last day of deals online, especially at the greatest apparel store known to man: Friday Beers.

We still have tons of great deals at our store, including a 50% off Mystery Box and this beautiful hockey jersey. Buy now or regret it for the rest of your life.

THE CRUISE THAT NEVER HAPPENED

Life at Sea was supposed to be an experience of a lifetime: a 3-year journey around the world, on a sick cruise ship with tons of horny old people who had nothing to do but eat, drink and bang.

But there was one little problem…they didn’t have a boat.

LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

• The ship was originally set to depart from Istanbul on November 1^st, but days beforehand, the company asked for a 2 week extension. Then they changed the departure city to Amsterdam. Then the date pushed AGAIN to November 30^th. Not great for the people that were already in Europe, like any normal person would.

• In addition to traveling to Europe, many passengers had already sold or rented out their homes and discarded possessions because why the fuck not? You’re gone for 3 years and money isn’t real.  Also, the cruise price was in the six figures, which honestly is in line with 36 months of rent and living expenses in any major city.  

• The main issue? The company didn’t have a cruise ship, a pretty essential component of a cruise. Life At Sea had planned to purchase a boat called AIDAura by September, but eventually lost the bid to another company. Maybe I’m crazy but even if they bought this boat successfully, 2 months is NOT enough wiggle room for this journey.

• The CEO of Life at Sea claimed that their board backed out of the purchase with ‘concerns about unrest in the Middle East,’ which famously started on October 7^th, a full month after the company was supposed to buy the ship. When in doubt, just blame ‘globabl unrest.” I’m stealing this move the next time I miss a deadline.

• After claiming they would try to buy a new boat by December 1^st, they eventually caved and called off the entire voyage, offering to pay customers back in installments through early March of next year. Reminds me of a hotel in 2020 that offered to refund my stay in 180 business days (better known as 9 months) except this was because they shut down during a global pandemic and not gross mismanagment.

This is fucked. It’s like Fyre Fest but at the expense of senior citizens who wanted to enjoy their remaining years instead of rich millennials who want to do drugs at a music festival. At least the millennials still have Burning Man.  

FUCK CAILLOU

Can’t believe the bald brat is only 9 on this list. I generally don’t like to wish death and/or physical harm on children but I have to make an exception when it comes to Caillou. What a smug, arrogant little shit who weaponizes his tears to get his way in the world. He is bald because he doesn’t deserve hair and joy. It’s just a fact.

Justice for Cersei Lannister. I can forgive pretty much anything if you’re hot. Not my business which of her siblings she decides to sleep with.

NFL: Thursday confirmed it: Dolly Parton has still got it. This is Lebron/Brady level staying power and we need to appreciate it while we can.

Eagles fans got a litttleeeee under the Bills players skins’ last night after their OT win. Steelers win thanks to Diontae Johnson’s incredible effort. Tommy DeVito has thrown more TDs (7) than Kenny Pickett and Zach Wilson and Papa Devito couldn’t be prouder. Being a Jets fan is hell on Earth.

NBA: Josh Giddey under investigation for dating a 15 year old (yikes.)

CFB: Massive rivalry week, highlighted by the play of the year in Alabama’s last gasp win against Auburn. Kirk Herbstreit was fired up.

#3 Ohio State falls to #2 Michigan for the 3rd year in a row and Ryan Day needs to go. #5 Washington holds off Washington State as walk-on kicker nails game-winner and gets rewarded with a scholarship. #6 Oregon trounces #16 Oregon State, will have rematch vs. Washington for a top 4 spot.

Texas A&M reportedly set to sign Duke HC Elko after flirting with Kentucky’s Mark Stoops. I can’t get over how weird their yell squad is. 

OTHER: This high schooler had one of the greatest catches I’ve ever seen.  

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

There’s dedication to the craft and there’s this male nurse who set off a fire alarm at the hospital to ‘watch his coworker’s breasts bounce.’ Worth it.

Ice Spice finally gets her own Chia Pet. Can Jack Harlow get one next? It’s the only way i’ll forgive him for that travesty of a Thanksgiving performance.

Don’t sweat the reports of out-of-control invasive ‘super pigs’ that are set to cross the US border from Canada. That’s just me and the lads heading back from Montreal after a boys’ weekend 😎😎

Hall, no Oates. Daryl Hall files restraining order against John Oates’ amidst ongoing legal battles and every American institution is officially crumbling.

MONDAY MOVE

Brilliatn. Stop waiting around for life to happen. Go out there and make it happen.

This has inspired me to finally achieve my lifelong goal of having a sandwich named after me at a local deli. For the next 365 days, I’m going to order the same slightly ridiculous sandwich every day and hope it sticks. If not, it’s time to move on to a new dream. Please hold me accountable.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• Goddam, America rocks.

• Romance in a Care Home is real life Golden Bachelor. Good read.

• PETA got murdered on community notes. Good.

• Why some celebrities like Jamie Foxx, Donald Trump and Diddy have been sued for sexual assault from years ago.

• These useful rules for life are very useful.

• Watch Kurt Vonnegut’s storytelling lessons and dust off that screenplay from the back for your drawer.