The Daily Friday: Monday 11/6

It’s another week in paradise. Here’s what you need to sound smart today.

1. 50k people ran the NYC Marathon yesterday and every single one of them thinks that they’re better than you. They’re not wrong.

2. Elon has released an AI chatbot with a rebellious streak named ‘Grok.’ Someone make one called ‘Kelc’ to date AI Taylor Swift.

3. Trump holds lead over Biden in early polls, one year out from the election. I can’t believe we’re doing this shit again. Tony P should run.

4. College basketball starts today. Time to let 18 year old Fortnite addicts ruin my life for the next 3-4 months 🤝🤝🤝

5. Republican House Speaker Mike Johnson has some weird shit going on. LET’S DISCUSS.

SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE IS KINDA SUS

Louisiana Rep. Mike Johnson has been the Speaker of the House for a little over a week and the honeymoon period already appears to be over.

Once an unassuming conservative lawmaker, he has been thrust into the national spotlight, with some interesting skeletons being exposed.

LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

• Johnson has reported no assets at all, and claims to not have a checking or savings account. Bro is either broke as fuck (relatable), taking his paychecks to the bank and cashing them every 2 weeks (massive pain in the ass) or lying and extremely corrupt (no comment.) Dude should just sign up for Chase checking – they have a lot of cashback deals and are super nice when you overdraft. Trust me.

• An interview clip resurfaced yesterday where Johnson admitted that he and his 17 year old son monitor each other’s porn intake with an accountability software, with Johnson saying his son has a ‘clean slate.’ Classic father-bonding stuff. Pretty sure that kid is just watching porn on Incognito mode or jerking it to IG models but what do I know. We need Royce DuPont to step in.

• Johnson also has an ‘adopted’ black son that he has raised since was the boy was 14, but was never legally adopted or included in any family photos or press releases. This is starting to feel like The Blind Side but much more suspicious.

• He is also a climate change denier, believes the 2020 election was stolen and is strongly anti-abortion. He states that he takes his political viewpoints entirely from the Bible. Progressive guy.

THANKSGIVING IS GETTING MORE EXPENSIVE

All the more reason to completely eliminate canned cranberries from this year’s Thanksgiving. It’s a disgusting item and I’m disgusted we give it such prominence during my favorite holiday. There’s a reason 90% of canned cranberry sales are during a one day period: it’s nasty.

This is also your reminder that Thanksgiving is just over 2 weeks away. Really snuck up on me this year. A pleasant surprise but a surprise nonetheless.

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NFL: Josh Dobbs’ is a goddam legend, as he leads the Vikings to a comeback victory just 5 days after signing with no knowledge of the playbook or his teammates’ names. Absurd.

A running back kicked a field goal for the Texans, the Chiefs defense had the play of the year and Colts’ owner Jim Irsay has MOVES. I’ll have what he’s having.

NBA: Here’s your daily Wemby highlight. It’s just not fair.

Harden plays tonight, just 6 months before he demands another trade. The Nuggets were on some Three Stooges meets Globetrotters shit. Thoughts and prayers for Draymond, who got Draymond’ed.

CFB: USC loses for 3rd time this year and Caleb Williams was upset. This play was still sick.

#9 Oklahoma stunned by #22 Oklahoma State in last Bedlam Bowl ever: the Cowboys own the entire state forever now. Iowa beats Northwestern 10-7 at Wrigley; 6 Cubs games had more scoring this year. Rutgers might have lost to Ohio State, but this Fumbelrooski was incredible. That’s a W.

OTHER: Have the NBA in-season tournament here and maybe I’ll watch.

The San Jose Sharks have given up 10 goals in back-to-back games. That’s not good!

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

Tyson recalls 30k pounds of dinosaur chicken nuggets after consumers find metal pieces in them. I’m confused - the metal is what makes them delicious.

Zuckerberg tears his ACL while training, further delaying his fight with Elon. Just buy another ACL or some shit. I need to see this fight happen.

Jacob Elordi ate a pound of bacon every day to prepare for role as Elvis. Thank god this isn’t 2009 or the amount of ‘epic bacon’ memes would be overwhelming.

Somerset Gimp banned from wearing Gimp suit in public and ‘wriggling or writhing on the ground’ for 5 years. God forbid a man have hobbies.

MONDAY MOVE

Love this move. It’s important to always celebrate the wins, no matter how small. Something to keep in mind this Monday and every Monday until you die.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• This Josh McDaniels - Antonio Pierce story is wildddd. How this guy got 2 head coaching gigs is beyond me.

• How often do people lie? A lot!

• This dude ripping cigs on a flight is a hero. Can’t believe someone snitched on him. Coward.

• Fuck this guy alert: after losing his job as a cook, Kenneth Law began peddling suicide kits on the Internet.

• I really appreciate The Ringer’s guide to What the Heck Should I Watch This Week? There’s too much TV and also not enough.