The Daily Friday: Monday 12/11

It’s another week in paradise. Here’s what you need to sound smart today.

1. Shohei signs with Dodgers for 10 years, $700 million. Kinda embarrassing to not turn that down so you can grind harder, but at least he has more money to tip his landlord this Christmas 🙏🏻

2. New high-speed rail project announced, potentially freeing us from the tyranny of Big Airplane and TSA forever. If we can smoke cigs inside these trains, I’ll never fly again.

3. Russian opposition leader Alexey Navalny missing from penal colony just days after Putin announces he’s running for re-election. I’m sure Navalny is alive and well and these two events are not correlated at all 👍🏻

4. Argentina’s new president Javier Milei takes office today. He’s walked back some of his radical policies but is keeping his hair, passion for tantric sex, and his key advisor: the ghost of his dead dog. Good.

5. Golden Globes nominees announced. They better hook up Ronald from Jury Duty with an award. He’s been through enough.

YOU GUYS CAN’T SPELL SHIT

This is embarasing. And that’s coming from me, the guy who mispels at least 5 words every newsletter. It’s just unprofesional and frankly, it’s a problehm that should prbobly be dealt with before Thirsday, or at the very least, by Febuary.

PLEESE STOP THE SHENANEGEHNS. FINALY.

Real talk though: I get that some of these words are confusing, but how the fuck do you not know how to spell police? And why is Kansas so stressed about spelling Tennessee? Worry about your own state.

MOTORBUNNY MONDAYS

The world’s most powerful man endorses the world’s most powerful vibrator, so we do too. Supercharge your Monday with the Motorbunny.

NFL: It’s a goddam shame this play was wiped from history. Feeling for Taylor Swift’s husband right now.

Do the Eagles suck? Is Zach Wilson a god? Should the Raiders be demoted to the XFL for ruining Dr. Locks’ once in a lifetime parlay? Yes, yes, and of course.

CJ Stroud in concussion protocol, Herbert fractures finger and Jefferson goes down again. Fantasy football playoffs are gonna be a bloodbath next week.

Confession: I was the one who took a massive, sloppy shit at the Bears game in the boiler room on Sunday. Fucking sue me.

NCAAF: LSU QB Jayden Daniels wins the Heisman, two years after a less than amicable departure from ASU. Good for him.

Army-Navy game ends in a safety, an absolute catastrophe for everyone who bet under 27.5. These players should be dishonorably discharged from the forces and thrown in prison (jk thank you for your future service.)

NBA: Lebron Sr. wins in-season tournament, but loses the all-time Lebron James NCAA scoring record (0 points) to his son, as Bronny Jr makes USC debut. This block was sick.

Thanks for asking the hard-hitting questions Pat Bev. Journalism 101.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

The Boy and the Heron, the latest movie from Japanese legend Hayao Miyazaki, become first anime film to top US box office. Huge W for the virgins in your life.

South Carolina Rep. Nancy Mace breaks up with her fiancee, loses staffers for talking about her sex life too much. You can talk about it with me, Nance. I like hearing about that kind of stuff.

Elon lets Alex Jones back onto Twitter, creates meeting of the minds that ends with Vivek Ramaswamy forgetting to turn off his mic while peeing. Until he has the balls to go full Jeffrey Toobin, he won’t have my vote.

Man says he still loves girlfriend who shot him in the cock, because it was ‘just a pellet gun.’ This relationship will stand the testes of time (sorry.)

MONDAY MOVE

He worked his little 5’9 ass off all year and left it all on the field for his brothers. It would crush the kid and destroy team morale to cast him to the waiver wire before he has a chance to see the confetti fall.

More importantly, it’s just the right thing to do. Fantasy football playoffs can be cut-throat but I’d rather lose a title than lose my values. Some things.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• This charming old man is unbelievably talented at banjo. Let’s make him famous together guys. He deserves it.

• Say ‘Good Morning!’ to a stranger today. It’s good for you.

• How Mr. Brightside became this generation’s anthem. (Behind a paywall on NYT, but you can read if you copy the link into a private browser.)

• Gonna be honest, I’ve seen like 5% of this year’s Top Tik-Toks. My algorithm is ass (literally.)

• RIP to Frank Wychek, beloved Tennessee Titans legend and hero responsible for iconic Music City Miracle play.