The Daily Friday: Monday 1/22

It’s another week in paradise. Here’s what you need to sound smart today.

1. Today is Blue Monday, considered the most depressing day of the year. Great excuse to call in sick, rip a power hour while live-betting Russian arm-wrestling and have the day of your life. Suck it, science.

2. Alec Baldwin indicted for involuntary manslaughter in Rust set shooting. Still waiting for him to be charged for his most horrific crime (making Boss Baby 2.) Completely sullied the original masterpiece.

3. An Australian heiress is giving away $27 mil and wants the public to decide where it goes. That’s one year of Jordan Clarkson. She could really swing the NBA playoffs this year if she’s savvy.

4. A cloned monkey has reached adulthood for the first time, which could mean human cloning is next. I’ll take 300 Chris Farleys please.

5. Ron DeSantis has dropped out of the presidential race. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

DESANTIS DROPS OUT

After 8 months, $269 million, and a nickname from Trump that I still can’t remember how to spell, Ron DeSantis has dropped out of the Republican presidential primary race and endorsed Donny T.

Many pundits will blame his demise on things like poor debate performances, a hyper-fixation on culture wars instead of actual issues facing Americans, or his overall weird vibes, but here at Daily Friday HQ we like to dive deeper.

LET’S BREAK DOWN HOW IT WENT WRONG

His boot lifts weren’t extreme enough. As someone who buys magnum condoms solely to impress checkout clerks, I totally respect that he wears hidden high heels in his boots to look taller. But if you’re going to be so obvious, why not go all in? Wear massive 18 inch lifts and walk up to that podium like Wembanyama. That’d be awesome. People vote for awesome.

His chief strategist was a slow puzzler. Before the Iowa caucus, Scott Wagner was nowhere to be seen by staffers, as he was off ripping a jigsaw for hours. Nothing wrong with a good puzzle but can’t waste valuable time like that. Next time, hire one of those Rubix cube freaks who can knock puzzles out real quick, freeing up more time to make insane Twitter videos.

His smile game needed work. To be fair, it’s really hard to figure out how to smile, especially if you start to think too hard about it. It’s like when you get too high and forget how to breath. Why not lean into this relatable human experience, hire Gary Busey as a smile coach and go full insane smile? I think people would appreciate that.

He was too damn hungwy. Someone get this man a snack before he has to be on camera next campaign. Can’t have him doing this shit. I don’t care that the video is fake: it’s real to me.

MODERN ARCHITECTURE IS SO BEAUTIFUL

Some may see the Forbidden Ledge and question why exactly it exists. In my experience, it is a fantastic place to play 400 Cup Pong with 3 buddies and then have to call 911 so firefighters can come and rescue you like kittens in a tree. But that’s not the point.

The point is, the mysteries held in this ledge are numerous. It is not for us to question to great architects of modern suburbia. Our role is just to appreciate.

COMMENCE SOCO SOUR SUCKDOWN

For your next pregame, watch party, throwdown, or whenever you’re in the mood to be So Tasteful, plan to pick up some SoCo. And the next time you’re at the bar, go-ahead and order some SoCo Sour shots. On me. (just kidding. But maybe though.) 

Created in 1874 with an innovative blend of stone fruit and spices, SoCo Whiskey is the ORIGINAL ready-for-anything spirit. Satisfying on its own and ideal in any mixed drink, Southern Comfort is tasteful and approachable however you drink it and whoever you drink it with. 

My personal favorite blends? It’s a two-way tie between the SoCo Original and SoCo Black. Either way you can’t go wrong.

When you hit that happy hour tonight, make sure you….order a Soco Sour. One Part Soco + Two Parts Sour Mix.

Southern Comfort, Spirit Whiskey with Natural Flavors and Caramel Color, 35% and 40% Alc/Vol, Sazerac Company, Louisville, KY

NFL: Kinda rooting for the Chiefs to make the Super Bowl so Jason Kelce can pull this move again. Gotta think this distracted Bass during that field goal or Joe Brady while he dialed up the former dead guy fake punt play.

Shoutout Jordan Love for doing his best Brett Favre impersonation in the loss to the 49ers. Now send a dick pic and steal from Mississippi welfare families and you’ll complete the full trifecta.

Lamar Jackson has been unstoppable since tweeting ‘Johnny’ and the NFL script still intact. It was always 49ers-Ravens.

UFC: Death, taxes, and Drake cursing big-time sporting events. Strickland deserves better.

CBB: We need to protect Caitlin Clark. She’s our greatest national resource. Send this Ohio State fan to jail

NBA: I am calling for an immediate pause in the NBA season until we figure out what is going on with Wemby. He is simply not human.

Feel for Josh Giddey. I’m sure he wanted to be at this high school jersey retirement so bad.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

Respect to the fella who creamed his jeans mid-twerk contest. Now tons of women know you are capable of ejaculation. Not everyone can say that.

If the world ends, I’m heading straight to Rick Ross’s doomsday bunker. Seems like a chill ass time plus I’d feel very safe with him. Win-win.

Snoop falsely claims he was offered $100 mil to join OnlyFans. Mr. Dogg, I only offered you $100 and edit access to the highly curated ‘Tasty Licks’ playlist. No need to embellish for the media.

Ed O’Neill says that he almost joined the mob when acting wasn’t working, but was too scared to do jail time. I mean yeah, dude. That’s the main reason most of us don’t it.

MONDAY MOVE

Elite move that I’d love to pull off one day. Life is low-key boring sometimes. I crave at least one do-or-die moment to make me finally feel something.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• We sold out of beer in Boston. Check out Part 3 of the beer doc. Last Dance has nothing on this.

• This footage of tribal warfare from a group untouched by Western civilization is nuts. Crazy how much guns have changed the world. Shoutout guns.

• Death by a Thousand Cuts: the fall of Sports Illustrated.

• Lil Dicky drops a new album for the first time in 8 years featuring tracks from Dave. It’s a very good listen (and solid music video.)

• Fell down a deeeepp rabbit hole on the Dark Forest Theory on alien life. Scary stuff.

• Roommates at 50 years old? Could be the move.