The Daily Friday: Monday 1/29

It’s another week in paradise. Here’s what you need to sound smart today.

1. Sustainable food protestors threw soup at the Mona Lisa and totally showed Da Vinci who’s boss. That guy fucking loved factory farming and hated hearty, tomato-forward, broth-based meals.

2. Trump ordered to pay $83 million to E. Jean Carroll in settlement, a sum Carroll vowed to spend on ‘something Trump hates.’ Alec Baldwin’s finally gonna be able to put his 7 kids through college.

3. 49ers and Chiefs advance to Super Bowl and strap in for 2 weeks of talking about if Taylor will make it to Vegas from Tokyo. The real story is these draconian casino rules…let the boys gamble.

4. Drone strike from Iran-backed group kills 3 US soldiers in Jordan and Biden vows retaliation. Shit might be getting very real.

5. Nikki Minaj has biggest female rapper debut in Apple Music history amidst feud with Megan Thee Stallion. She’s still got nothing on Ben Shapiro, the only man alive who raps slower than he talks.

SOMEONE FROM NORTH DAKOTA MADE THIS MAP

There’s a lot to take in here. Let's do a brief power ranking of most and least impressive victories.

MOST IMPRESSIVE:

Most Library Visits Per Capita (Ohio): Reading is cool. Get over it, Big Screen. Your time is done.

Most Units of Local Government (Illinois): Always believed government should be as complicated as possible, especially at the local level. Well done Illinois.

Largest Wall-Eye Ever Caught (Tennessee): I don’t know what a wall-eye is and I don’t have time to look it up. Gonna assume it’s related to the Pixar movie about the robot who was cleaning up Earth that made me cry. Good shit TN.

LEAST IMPRESSIVE:

Most Twin Births (Connecticut): Twins are very, very, very scary. I always knew there was dark magic in Connecticut and this confirms it. They should secede.

Most Homes with Indoor Plumbing (Nebraska): Cool Nebraska. No one gives a fuck. Corn sucks btw. Just a fact.

Most Breastfed Babies (California): Stop giving breast milk to babies that haven’t earned it. Save it for the big boys who write 3x a week daily newsletters. Those are the real heroes.

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NFL: Let’s start a petition to show Pat Mahomes Sr. on the Super Bowl broadcast more times than Taylor Swift. This guy fucking rocks.

The second I saw this clip from CJ Gardner Johnson, I knew it was all over for the Lions. Just can’t do that.

Dan Campbell is fully addicted to going for it on 4th down and I fucking love it. It’s probably a good thing he’s not in Vegas for the Super Bowl.

Lamar Jackson proves the critics right, should absolutely convert to receiver.

NBA: Good on Giannis for saving himself $20 with the free WingStop promo here. Those savings really do add up.

I’m starting to come around on Draymond. He simply cannot go 2 weeks without hitting people in the face. Never change.

 TENNIS: Australian Open won by an Italian for the first time ever, as 22 year Jannik Sinner takes down Medvedev. Ok, show off. Go get a job in software sales like a respectable 22 year old. This whole tennis thing is a waste of time.

CFB: Michigan names Sherrone Moore as new head coach Friday after Jim Harbaugh departs for the NFL. You know he cried like a baby. 

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

This story gives me hope. No matter how lonely I get, one day I might meet my adopted mother’s long lost birth daughter with a distinctive birthmark, fall madly in love, and create the most confusing family dynamic of all time.

No idea how this woman survived being stuck on a ski gondola for 15 hours overnight with no phone. If I go 15 minutes without rotating between 4 different social media apps and phone games, I break into hives.

A man was arrested for impersonating an officer after he pulled over an off-duty cop. Reminds me of my buddy who pretended to be an RA and ‘confiscated’ beer from dorms until he got busted doing it to a real RA. Great idea, terrible luck.

MONDAY MOVE

This is the motivation I needed to get through another Monday. Why not be great?

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• Social media is obsessed with movies. Will it save film or destroy it?

• This DJ Khaled compilation inspired the hell out of me. Time to start living life with this child-like wonder and innocence. Why the heck not?

• Is Masters of the Air the new Band of Brothers? I sure hope so.

• This is just good old fashioned humor right here. Gave me a bigggg chortle.

• I really hope i’m not watching cable news when the world is ending, but if I am, CNN has had this video planned for decades.