The Daily Friday: Monday 1/8

It’s another week in paradise. Here’s what you need to sound smart today.

1. Today is NFL Black Monday, as Falcons’ Arthur Smith, Commanders’ Ron Rivera, and Panthers GM all get the ax. Belichick’s safe (for now) but may have to do his second walk of shame in 2 months.

2. Jonathan Majors gives interview after being convicted of domestic violence. Disney fired him from Marvel but then gives him a platform on ABC to see if he can win people back. Not suspicious at all!

3. Defense Secretary Lloyd Austin was hospitalized for days, a detail he did not share with anyone he worked with. Dude didn’t want to have to use his sick days so early in the year. I totally get it.

4. Alaska Airlines grounds all Boeing 737 planes after the doors blew off mid-flight on Friday. Those passengers better get free Sunchips and dry sandwich boxes for LIFE. Nightmare fuel.

5. The Golden Globes were last night. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

GOLDEN GLOBES

The Golden Globes are the best. It’s the only award show that doesn’t take itself too seriously and lets everyone get drunk. That’s all you really need.

Here’s what went down last night.

• Oppenheimer dominated with 5 wins (I don’t remember seeing it,) Succession took home 4 dubs (but none for soundtrack, make it make sense,) and Chef won best comedy (good show but what exactly is funny about it?)

• Host Jo Koy honored Oppenheimer by bombing hard. Like so hard he had to say “I got the gig 10 days ago.” That feels like more than enough time? That’s coming from someone who has about 3-4 hours to write a newsletter in the morning and there’s barely any typos, false information or small penis jokes.

• Kylie spent the entire night smooching and making out with Timothee (yuck!!!!!) and wouldn’t let Selena take a picture with him. I don’t blame her. She knew Timothee would just talk her ear off about Wizards of Waverly Place.

• Meme Round-Up: Taylor Swift scared the living shit out of me. That is NOT a look you want to get. Jennifer Lawrence wanted to go home. Kieran Culkin told Pedro Pascal to suck it. Bill Hader is a girl-dad. Will Ferrell and Kristen Wiig did a dancing bit (since when does she look like that?) Update: Ben Affleck and Matt Damon are still boys. 

I WANNA LIVE HERE SO BAD

This minor leauge baseball stadium that was remodeled into apartments looks so fucking sick. It probably reeks of Copenhagen wintergreen long cut, a perfect, natural scent for any home.

They should do this with stadiums more often instead of just letting them crumble. That shit feels like a zombie movie.

MOTORBUNNY MONDAYS

The world’s most powerful man endorses the world’s most powerful vibrator, so we do too. Supercharge your Monday with the Motorbunny.

NFL: The playoffs are here, but all I can think about it how the Cardinals blew their game against Seattle. Fix is in.

Jameis Winston is the best teammate of all time, goes against HC Dennis Allen’s wish to take a knee at the end of the game to give Jamal Williams a TD. I could listen to this man talk for hours. Captivating, inspiring and hilarious.

CFB: Michigan and Washington square off in the national championship game tonight and I love Michael Penix Jr. so much I’m hammering Washington to win outright (+160.) Do you know how good you have to be for no one to call you Michael Penis Jr? Very good.

NBA: PSA: do NOT ask Lebron James about Ricky Rubio’s retirement. 

Draymond Green is back from suspension, hoping to shore up a Warriors team that is unhappy af right now. How funny would it be if he just punched someone in the face at the first tip? Do it Draymond. Do it.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

Huge props to the guy who jumped in the Bass Pro Shop aquarium and let his little pecker fly. Finally, the micropenis community gets some visibility.

Thank you to NYC Mayor Eric Adams for teaching parents how to search their children’s room for “something as simple as a crack pipe.” Must-watch video.

Relatable: man gets drunk and then stuck in an urn. He probably just got a sneaky boner and is hiding in there until it goes away. Happens all the time.

MONDAY MOVE

All time breakdown here. Pull this move for any and all in-office sandwiches this week. You’ll be promoted by Q2. That’s a guarantee.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• How we (Friday Beers) made the best beer of all time (Friday Beers.)

• What if Money Expired? is a great long read. Haven’t stopped thinking about it since I read it.

• Emmanuel Acho had the worst take of all time about the Bears potentially trading for 4 picks. What is going on over at ESPN?

• DJ Khaled meets his soulmate, a shirtless British dude named Tony. I love this man. Scientists need to examine his brain.

• Kind of a bummer that the headline from Jody Foster’s interview on being the only lesbian in Hollywood for years was “Gen Z can be annoying sometimes.” Whole interview is worth a read.