The Daily Friday: Monday 2/12

It’s another week in paradise. Here’s what you need to sound smart today.

1. The S&P 500 broke 5,000 for the first time ever, led by Big Tech. Nothing brings a smile to my face like shareholders getting richer 🙏🏻

2. Kanye drops album with Ty Dolla $ign, hopefully will sell enough copies to afford clothes for his wife. I’m worried she’ll catch a cold. 

3. Valentine’s Day is Wednesday, so don’t forget to make that reservation for 12 at Dave and Buster’s ASAP. Can’t let the fellas down on Malentine’s Day.

4. The French are not getting laid, as a record 24% of adults haven’t porked in the last year. You know Pepe Le Pew is fuming right now.

5. The Chiefs are Super Bowl Champs. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

SUPER BOWL IN MEMES

The NFL scriptwriters have finished the Season 58 finale, and for the second year in a row (and 3rd time in 5 years,) the Kansas City Chiefs are your champions.

Here were our favorite moments from what truly mattered most last night: the memes.

THE GAME:

• If you had ‘Fan to Streak on the Field’ at +10,000, you are now a very rich person.

• Travis Kelce was almost as angry with Andy Reid as Entrapranure when landlords won’t increase the rent.

• Mecole Hardman makes Oz the Mentalist’s prediction come true. Of course this happens to the Jets.

• Not a meme, but a wild reveal: the 49ers did not know the overtime rules. Kyle Shanahan is really never going to win a title, will he?

THE COMMERCIALS:

• This poor guy had no idea that his SuperCrabs testimonial would play during the Super Bowl.

• RFK Jr. went full Connor Roy mode and had to apologize to family members for the commercial that heavily featured JFK footage.

• Temu definitely stole our credit card information to afford all those ads. While they had the MOST ads, the best commercial definitely went to Dunkin.

THE HALF-TIME SHOW:

• Usher showing up to game was a big mood for the work from home grinders out there.

• Alicia Keyes lost her voice and probably her husband as well. How do you see this image and ever let your girl around Usher again?

• Thank god I’m not the only one who saw this girl fall off a pole during Ludacris’ performance. Thoughts and prayers to her.

THE NICKELODEON BROADCAST:

This whole thing was a fever dream.

SpongeBob’s joke about Leo dating 25 year olds was actually insane. The celebrities were out to play and Patrick Star might have a career as an NFL coach. I need this every year.

TAYLOR WATCH:

• Jason Kelce had to be the perfect level of drunk for this interaction with Ice Spice in the suite.

• Taylor Swift, confirmed alcoholic?

• We are confirmed living in an episode of One Tree Hill.

  

  Best edit goes to this bad boy

YOUR MENTAL HEALTH MATTERS

When the winter comes around, it’s normal for the ol’ mental health to crash hard. It’s cold, it’s dark, and sometimes you just wanna curl up, look at pictures of your ex and her jacked new boyfriend on Instagram, and hate yourself until you go to sleep.

Happens to the best of us. For me, the only thing that makes me feel better (besides hitting all 7 legs of my NFL parlay) is talking it out. With a trained professional.

With BetterHelp, you can get matched with a therapist in less than 48 hours. No more waiting days, weeks or even months to find someone.

Sign up with code FRIDAY25 for 25% off your first month today.

GOLF: The Waste Management Open was exceptionally lit this weekend, as alcohol sales had to be stopped, fights broke out, and Zach Johnson went Shooter McGavin on the crowd. I love this event so much.

NBA: Sorry Nurk, but you can’t pull this move and then get scored on. Just how it works, my guy.

MLB: Former Mets GM Billy Eppler suspended for the entire season for making up injuries to create open roster spots on the team. I blame whoever his drinking buddies are. This is exactly the kind of idea that you come up with after 12 cold ones.

CBB: Caitlin Clark dropped 31 points and is just 8 short of the all time scoring record. Queen.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

The streets of Ohio are safe after two police squads teamed up to arrest a couple that stole 27 bags of ice. Going to jail for frozen water is crazy.

Finally. Society has advanced to the point that we can have the competitions that actually matter. I love being alive.

I have found a new sport to fill the gaping hole in my life between the Super Bowl and March Madness: motorcycle chariot racing. Need to bet on this.

MONDAY MOVE

This makes so much sense. I’m always looking for a good excuse to polish off some sour cream and onions.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• Now that the Super Bowl is over, it’s officially Mock Draft SZN.

• This Tim and Eric clip gets me every day. The way he says ‘ridged chip’ is all time.

• The trailer for Ben Stiller’s new Secret Life of Walter Mitty movie looks good but I’m a little confused. Didn’t he just do one like 10 years ago?

• Read this on your lunch break: His best friend was a 250 pound warthog. One day, it decided to kill him.

• All 7 Mission Impossibles in 90 seconds. Let’s go.